25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I say this with love.

Let the process play out. You can't control this.


Good point.

I think you are like me, in that you spent so many years covering for him that you've gotten used to the idea that you can control your environment. It's hard to acknowledge that that was a mirage. (At least to some extent).

I like the idea of your being able to *text or email* that you received the message through your brother and that Dr. Alaska is free to send you a settlement offer which you will take seriously. Take it straight to your lawyer since that is, after all, what you're paying her for. Tell her what you think of it and carry on.

In negotiations, I want the other side to say the number first. And I know With h, he will lowball me AND think it's "fair". If it's insulting to me (and it will be)...

oh for God's sake, I'm looking at ^^^ this - my own words -and just overly complicating it.


Don't worry about Dr. Alaska's motives. You don't have enough information to use them against him and they will only keep you spinning.

Motives? He wants to save money. THAT part is not complicated to me. As to whether he wants to marry Schmoopie or just be able to work openly or go to the moon, can't go there.

I would give you a hug if I could. You seem like you could use one.

((( )))

Yeah, it's true. My older sister came over tonight for a bit. She is a great woman, was a great daughter to both my parents, and was a great wife & great sister. Man I miss my mom. Her wild gesticulations to compensate for English being her 2nd language. She was French and had some great idioms, some of which may have just been hers...


Oh, you are right about the self pity and though H will or already is missing the kids - I think he feels HIS loss. That is not to say he wants a recon

and frankly, at some deep level ( if he has a deep level that he's in touch with)

IF he wanted a recon b/c hey, this D is super UN fun and what happened to the "temporary sep" and the "rebooting the M"??

but he cannot face himself or the wreckage he created. Maybe a few hours of tears -he has moments of clarity. But then he'd revert. It's just too much for him to cope with (geez, if it were me, it would be too much!)

But h is not me.

And in truth, I could not feel the same for him. I don't. I can cast out the anger and the hurt, for a few minutes at least. And look at it objectively.

He did not have my back when I needed him, which just was a gut punch. I read that A's are the worst betrayals possible and I get what they are saying. But for ME, he was AWOL when I was sick and truly needed him, the DOCTOR.


So No matter what he does we are done as a couple, (okay, okay I'm a literalist. IF H had a brain tumor, I'd at least be very civil & make sure he got good care. He's my kid's dad). But I cannot count on him. Boom, mic drop.

I'm not destined to be m to him again. And that doesn't make me as sad anymore. Lately I feel - a sense of relief, as I see the recent marital past as something I should not have endured. I am working to forgive myself for that. And it is work. I feel stupid. I heard that h told my BIl that "this was coming for a long time." REALLY? Because i did not know. Guess he forgot to tell ME. And It is another slap - as if I was so stupid I did not see the obvious. More marital revisions.

It was my only m and it was a long one. The sunk cost theory and diminishing returns are valid realizations. Gosh I wish I'd been more in touch with MY feelings.

I could not envision losing my intact family. My T said Bailing water as fast as I could on a sinking ship. But that is gone now. So I don't have to do the heavy lifting anymore.


I want to repeat to you that YOU WILL BE OK REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME HERE. I feel like you are in the trees, which is appropriate for the moment, but it is calming to remember the forest. And the mountains beyond it. And the ocean beyond that.
'

Maybell, in my head, I know this^^^ . And probably 5/7 days I act like it. I reflect and journal and then go about my day. And it helps to know that in the future I will be fine. It helps me TODAY in the present, to know that.

I also think that where the head goes, the heart will follow. But my heart is not following yet. Not the desire for a recon, but the desire for resolution and peace.

I wonder why the past few days have been like PTSD or something. I was waking up with my heart racing and walking my dog too, and have felt physically weird and thought

"Oh dang, is this another seizure? Oh no, I'll be stupid again for weeks!"

But I think it was me freaking out just walking my dog - like a panic attack. Never had one before. I got through it with cognitive work (meditating with an app on my phone, deep breaths) This is rare for me.

Oh, and THEN I got the L call to pay up or say bye, and oh btw, we are having a conference in a few weeks...

And that hearing and the year anniversary (like I should be farther along by now. My my new life should be ALL fine by now...)

and the funding issue (I have never borrowed money before) and my d's coming and my wanting my condo to look all together it all just cumulatively got to me.

I pour everything out here. I do not edit my feelings. I do not rehearse how they sound. I want to move thru this as fast as possible WHILE also trying to be gentle with myself.

Balancing act...like so much of this.

I gotta say, I almost admire people who can ask straight face - for money from friends. OMG it kills me. I was the lender, not the borrower!!

BTW, a niece of mine is marrying this Saturday. I'm not worried about how it feels to see a wedding (though I love the idea of me making a drunken bitter "toast" at the reception, just to make my niece nervous. "Hey, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH!! YEAH, GOOD LUCK little girl!") but I have to pull it together and act as if. And I will. It'll be very fun.

I just have to focus on this FAMILY time that I so love. And stop stressing about it.
REFRAME this as a totally good thing not a stressor.


Do not let Dr. Alaska steal any more of your peace of mind. For all anyone can tell, he just made that phone call to unsettle you and give you hope before the settlement conference. We can not mind read one way or the other till we know how serious his actual offer is.

Of all the scenarios I don't think it's that^. There was no bluster or threats thru my brother whereas the aggressive posturing is all I have heard of, so far. Interesting change.

(Sidenote, I can imagine a scenario in which my L might want me to know "hey, your h is Not interested in settling, he feels it's unfair, does not seem to want to settle"

THAT ^^^ is relevant without being really hurtful.

But otherwise h's L has passed on way too many personally hurtful comments including that HE hates my h. What?

it's just way too much info for me. And I suspect the L's have passed on the comments I have made which were made in confidence (and in pain).

OH FREE ADVICE - I have learned something I should have known. Don't use your L as a T and don't use your T as a L. I made the mistake of babbling to my L about WHY WHY and blah blah blah b/c I did not have a T here for the first few months. Huge bills and not great T advice anyhow.



PS don't you think he HAD to play the self-pity card to get your brother to listen to him? I mean, rage would have gotten him no where. And if he is marrying Schmoopie? That's a kick in the teeth and no mistake. But it tells you very clearly who he is and that gives you clarity, even with the pain.

Maybell, YES.

Now I'm going to journal a bit and hope you can bear with me. Your comment triggered a major venting -- hold on!

Self pity -the past 5 years it's been a tendency h has if he's not in a grandiose mode or on the fury channel. He's a victim, a hero or infuriated.

As far as I know, H did not mention Schmoopie to my bro. He'd be a true moron to do so.

BUT heck yeah, h is a victim. OH wow, I just recalled that when h volunteered for a deployment (which he was very vague about. Let me think his whole unit was going.)

But my kids saw thru it. They Said it's "just another distracting adventure away from family" and I shook my head. I'm a veteran and did not see it that way -then.

But h was furious our kids did not write to him. I could not force them to though I asked probably 5 times. They resisted mightily and in anger. "Why should we? He's left again.."

They were still hurt about his other YEARS away from them. They spoke to him by phone, but did not write. I did.

btw, neither h nor the Army did make it simple to send him things. I recall now spending $65 to send h a care package. WTF?

No way is that normal, but h did not lift a finger for it to be convenient. Didn't say "oh use this free APO, etc. Very typical.

He called us from there on a wacky free phone and always between 2 and 5 am my time.

I always answered CHEERFULLy b/c hey, he's in combat and I'm a veteran and I get it. No matter what, you STFU and support. Like guys need to do for their w's in pregnancy.

BUT H complained to everyone including my family in a giant email that his d's did not write to him! You'd think he'd be embarrassed to admit that, b/c it's[b] obviously a reflection on HIS r's with them![/b] he's the parent, remember?

He should wonder why HIS r's with them were so poor. But nope! They were bad d's and he saw himself as a victim. SMH. My family was unimpressed but maybe h's dad cared...

OMG now I recall that S31 wrote a long detailed letter to h back then, explaining that in the kids eyes, h had abandoned them before. H wrote back the oddest non sequitur letter to s31.

S31 kept a copy and asked me to read it a few months ago. Objectively, it was weird.

H's first line thanked S31 for a "thoughtful reply" Then transitioned (??) and spoke of h's working out a lot, and his weird desert haircut, and flying wounded soldiers in a medevac. A few comments about the culture. It was a whole page or two with nothing emotionally disclosing or insightful. Not a single sentence other than thanking for the thoughtful reply. Good grief.

H simply lacks self awareness to a pathological degree. My family knew the deal. It's like H had begun to believe his own narrative. Geez...God only knows what he told his dad/wife. Oh well, NO control over that and yep, letting go of it.

Again,
As to why h called OR called that bro, who knows? God knows it's Way easier than chancing a chat with me.
Bro did not pick up on any anger, as far as I know. ( I asked.)
bro said h was "nice, and polite on the phone." I asked bro about h cutting off d20 from college and bro said he did not share info with h, but h did mention the kids not speaking to him, and h is deeply hurt by that".

Maybell you're right, h would have to play victim - any more character assassination of me would be foolish.
The adult part of me says bro did what needed to be done.

In a few minutes I'm going to meditate and there are some great ones on "Insight Timer" and "Calm" about letting go of the need to know our future and the need to let go of the past, being in the present.





If there's anything I can do to help I will. But I know for sure that you will be OK.

Thank you. I'm on fb irl but will look again at the cite you mentioned.

Maybell, thank you.