25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

I have a different perspective to share here that may or may not be helpful but "what the heck".

I'm the higher wage earner and am the one reluctant to "reward" my STBX for what she did. I also have a lot of anger that I'm trying to process and revenge, while petty is so very tempting. I'm also pretty sure that she has hidden some assets. Is she a narcissist? Well - many of the check-boxes get filled.

My h is the higher income earner b/c he took up a 2nd career, during which I financed and raised our 3 kids AND worked full time, which I continuted to do for the first 20 years. I only stayed at home with the 3rd child, h's agreement and with his unrelenting hours. IF I had continued working full time there would literally be times my kids would have been alone, or we could hire a nanny and keep moving around b/c that's so easy o kids...

OH And at the expense of my professional career. I literally turned down a partnership to move, again, for h, to a state in which I was not licensed.

His resume is pristine, thanks to me. Mine has a 19 year gap with 1 year excepted, and my career gaps are 100% due to family demands.

Not that I feel defensive or anything.

I shall now help you understand what I think the narcissist believes...




In the last settlement meeting it was pretty obvious that she was still completely unprepared and that she was furiously angry. The things that I (mind reading!) think she was angry about were that:
- She was going to have to reveal "her" holdings - she always hated anybody including me being involved in "her" stuff.

Yes this^^^ MUST apply to h, since he took all the JOINT savings and yet has "no money" now. (But HE worked for it! It's all his, if you think about it)...


- She was going to have to do actual work to get the settlement

tsk tsk, so unpleasant. Why can't you just let her be HAPPY?? You ruin everything

- That I wasn't just rolling over

you're passive aggressive!

- That I'm not playing along with her narrative (ahem - blatant and obvious lies) about her guy and her infidelity and her future plans

again you are ruining her happiness. You are selfish.

- That I'm angry and bitter about what she did to me and our family

No, you're the only one sad. Everyone else is fine. Kids are resilient. They'll be happy FOR HER and that will make them happy.

Everyone is happy except you. And that's b/c you are a bitter angry man...

Now - maybe "I'm" a narcissist myself. Don't know but she would probably say I was.

obvious...

Where I'm getting to though is a place where rather than looking at this in anger and punish her or trying to get the "best deal", I'm starting to look at it from the point of view of asking how much it will cost me to get this woman out of my life.

I hear you. I am not trying to punish h. H thinks anyone who is not happy around him or who voices a request of him that perhaps was expected of him so that it mildly suggests he's deficient in some small way, will be accused of being "vicious and vindictive"...including our kids.


In your case 25 - you want to do things in a way that is "fair" to you. Which means digging in to his assets, mucking around in the swamp of his secrets etc.


"Fair"? It is impossible for me to get what is "fair".
H will inherit millions when his sickly father passes away. I know that's not martial property, but it means his grip on the finances of MUTUAL assets is irrationally greedy and let's face it, I've been steamrolled and taken aback by the level of deceit h has shown. And in my most vulnerable moment.

And his willingness to fight dirty.

He made the swamp. They are not "his" assets. But if your point is that it's a really big hassle to keep at this, yes it sure is. More than I would have imagined.

My advice to others is not to stay in a failed marriage (possibly the marriage you didn't know was failing) but to prepare yourself and enter this with your eyes wide open.

Don't play dirty, but be ready for them to do so.



And that's good and reasonable from most people's point of view. As a lawyer you probably feel that following the proscribed procedures and doing things "right" is the best way to do them.

I was willing to take less than the law allowed. H's offer SEEMS to be "the minimum" I could get with a stamp. (Federally mandated share of pensions, below which I'd have to sign a waiver.)

Which is not super appealing

What if instead though you looked at it as "what am I willing to take" and maybe have your lawyer present a deal that doesn't involve discovery or getting every last cent you "deserve".


Andrew, what do you think I've been seeking? Good grief. Can you see my timeline? My marital length, etc?

The only wrinkle is that my L seems to be a pushover. It's Like I'm playing poker with my own L. But your point is taken and I have felt that way the entire time I've been posting on this round 2.
I would take less than I would have said just 6 months ago. So that's either progress or caving in


You could present it as being simple and clean and letting him "have the retirement he deserves" - feel free to use that line

That's valid Andrew. I get it.

(Yeah that "retirement".... which is sometimes the same as the partnership he's buying into, or the fellowship he wants to do, again, (age 61) or traveling the world OR helping veterans - but he left his job AT the Veteran's hospital

Whatever..

Just my 2 cents as a guy who is going to be reluctantly hosed over.

Andrew,

I don't know your situation - I only know If this were about fairness, I would not be here. We could have parted like adults and how our kids deserve, or communicated honestly & worked things out, etc.

I more than earned every single cent I get.

H gets to earn what an anesthesiologist earns b/c that's what I enabled him to become while our first child was 8 weeks old. Yeah, 8 WEEKS old and I was in law school and this was the SECOND career of h's...

if I were not 57 and starting over in a state I'm not licensed in, b/c my family is here and there was a medical setback (from which my h THE DOCTOR was AWOL), and there's a federal hiring freeze

and IF h had not behaved so miserably and dishonestly, all of your suggestions would be a lot easier.

H has taken a sad situation, the end of a long marriage that was once very loving, and turned it into such an ugly sickening ordeal, I'll never see him in the same light.

But that's okay. He's not my problem anymore. Your post only mildly annoyed me. Then I decided to take it on as a project.

Then i got to vent, so thanks!

Hope you get that.