Me – 42 W – 47 S – 10 M – Ten years 10/14 I’ll start by saying that this isn’t my first rodeo. Last year in April 2016 I moved out of the marital home as our lease was expiring and my W wanted a D. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time but my W convinced me to sign off on a quitclaim deed so she could purchase a home that was close to my S school and have a nice backyard for our two dogs. Meanwhile I ended up in a crappy 2 bedroom apartment. Well the first few months the thought of losing my W was tearing me apart and I admittingly did all the wrong things. After awhile and after coming across this site and the DB book I was finally able to somewhat detach and work on me. Guess what, it worked! Around July of 2016 we started a R and by October of 2016 I had sold all my furnishings in my apartment and moved back in to our home. So here is a bit of a backdrop to my sitch. In 2011 I was successfully employed as a district manager for a major corporation. I was making pretty good money at the time but my quality of life was down the toilet. I was never home and exhausted all the time from putting in 60 hour work weeks for years. At the time my W was in the beginning stages of starting her own business which was doing well but needed additional help to take to the next level. So by mutual agreement we decided I would leave my employment and work on the business together. It was a little scary at first but it went well. I wasn’t making less money than I was through my employment and I had much more time on my hands for my S and took up some additional hobbies. Well this didn’t go over well with my W and she let me know. I was told I needed to be more helpful with items around the house. So of course, I dug right in and started helping more around the house. This went on for years, I had become my S primary caretaker, was handling most of the chores around the house and financially we were doing really well. Now most of the time I would work from our home office just for the convenience of it considering my S schedule among other things. During this time the business had become priority #1 and we really lost any connection we had. We were so busy we didn’t spend hardly any time at all together. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had just taken a trip with just the two of us to try and connect a little. At the beginning of 2016 she told me she didn’t love me anymore and had lost all respect. That she didn’t want to be with a stay at home dad and she wanted a D. Keep in mind that I was still doing very well financially but I was doing it from home. At the same time I was taking care of everything that needed taken care of at the same time. If I didn’t do it, it basically didn’t get done and I’m not OK with living in a mess and not having clean clothes. I did all the begging and pleading but ultimately, I ended up in my crappy apartment. Technically it is her company as she started it two years prior to me joining so I basically ended up unemployed as well. So there I was in my apartment feeling as if my world had ended completely broken from this ordeal. It took me awhile to detach but I finally started to get my head around it. I basically just got back into the business on a smaller scale and started working on my own deals. I stopped pursuing my W and was doing pretty well. I guess she started to take notice because she began to call and text me more often and in late June 2016 asked If I wanted to go to Legoland for my S birthday. I went with absolutely no expectations at all. I really was under the impression that this M was over. Well that night at the hotel she initiated sex with me. After we returned we started spending more and more time together and were getting along great. Around the beginning of October 2016 I was spending more nights at the house than I was at my apartment. Naturally we decided to have me move back and rejoin the business. I didn’t want to make the same mistake so I went full steam into the business. I worked harder this past year than I have in my life. Since the beginning of September last year until the beginning of August this year I had only taken about 7 days off and most of that was around the holidays. It was a great year financially and the hard work had paid off. For the first 6 months of me being back at the house we were getting along great. We were doing training classes together and going on business trips. Around February 2017 she started making comments that a lot of work needed done around the house. Things like the house was always a mess, the backyard needed maintenance and dishes are always piled up. We started arguing about all the little things in life again and could start to feel a wall starting to build again. At the same time it was angering me as I’m thinking gosh what does it take to please this women. I really started to pull away from the marriage and the last few months it has really felt like we are just roommates. At the beginning of August, the last weekend before my S was to go back to school, I suggested we take a day and head to the beach which she agreed. I could tell the morning we were supposed to go there was some tension but we packed up and left anyway. On the way is when she started to get some phone calls and a crisis was breaking out with a client. Once we got to the beach she started to complain that it was overcast and she had no cell reception. After about an hour of her panicking and trying to find reception so she could handle the client’s situation I finally decided to pack up and leave. We came back to the home office and spent the day putting out the client’s fire. I asked if she would like to go out for a family dinner and decompress to which she said yes. My S and I showered up and were patiently waiting for my W to finish getting ready when of course the phone rings and the clients fire has somehow been reignited. We waited for about an hour until I walked into the office to see what was going on. My W on the phone was basically ignoring that I was standing there so I snapped my fingers to get her attention. She then looked at me like I had just done the worst possible thing to her I have ever done. After her phone call she came to the front of the house and said, how dare you ever snap your fingers at me and that she wanted to proceed with the D. In the past 3 weeks I have heard the following statements from her. “I don’t love you anymore” “I don’t respect you anymore” “You’re a terrible father” “You never should have come back” “A women needs to get laid” (when I asked why she initiated sex with me at the hotel the first time) “You’re an Alchoholic” (which I certainly am not. I like to get a little sideways now and again but I never get drunk or out of control) So here I am again. I really wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone in their lifetime and I’m going through it for the second time in less than 18 months. I have once again been pushed out of the business and most of our finances are tied up in the corporate account. Honestly, I’m absolutely devastated. Part of me wants to try signing up with the DB coaches but the other part thinks it would be a waste of time and money. I do love my W and the thought of tearing our family apart again is destroying me. I just don’t know how many times I can keep putting myself through this ringer.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I've gone through the links multiple times and have read the DR book.
We are currently living in the same house and I won't make the mistake of leaving again until everything is finalized. This morning she was saying goodbye to our S before leaving the house and as she was walking out the door said "some of us have to work today". In my first post I mentioned that we worked together and now I have basically removed from that responsibility by her.
I have a meeting with my team leader on the 13th to strategize moving forward with my career but what did she expect? That I would quit the business and go find a job in a few days?
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sounds like her business is priority No. 1 and there's a lot of stress at work. It's the worst when there's an emergency and you can't get online.
I can tell you as an entrepreneur, sometimes things come up when you least want them to... and the best thing my spouse can do is let me do what I need to do. Take the kids, read a book, take the dog for a walk, just let me be.
Can you get help around the house for the small things? I'm guessing that if work can get out of control, she is looking for something she can control...like messes in the house. That's the way my S operates, anyway.
How long did it take some of you on this forum to start to GAL successfully after the initial BD.
Reason I ask is I just really don't feel like doing much of anything right now. If I'm out and about I kind of just find myself in daze and unfocused. Last weekend I took my son to the beach and most of the time I would find myself watching other families and feeling somewhat jealous I didn't have that.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Sounds like her business is priority No. 1 and there's a lot of stress at work. It's the worst when there's an emergency and you can't get online.
I can tell you as an entrepreneur, sometimes things come up when you least want them to... and the best thing my spouse can do is let me do what I need to do. Take the kids, read a book, take the dog for a walk, just let me be.
Can you get help around the house for the small things? I'm guessing that if work can get out of control, she is looking for something she can control...like messes in the house. That's the way my S operates, anyway.
Thanks for the welcome JDub
Yes, business is definitely a major priority. I really do understand that things do come up in our business and they have to be handled in a timely manner. That said, even our coaches in the past have told us we need a better balance in our business and our clients need to be taught to repect our time away from the office.
We have a full time assistant in the office and hired yard maintenance a few months back. We have talked and planned on having a maid come in one a week but never got around to it. Ironically I guess we were to busy.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
I went out last night with a friend which is a complete 180 for me. About an hour after being home she came to me and told me that she wasn't seeing anyone and she wouldn't because she respects the fact we still live together. I simply said it was none of my business and went on with what I was doing.
This morning she didn't say a word to me and left in her gym clothes about 3 hours ago. It really doesn't bother me except today is supposed to be her day with our S. Kind of frustrating as I was planning on going down to the beach and doing some surf fishing. I was going to text her and see when she was planning to take over with our S but I decided to let it go.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Gosh this is brutal! Saturday after her 3 hour disappearing act on her day with our S we didn't speak at all the entire day. Yesterday morning she was in a horrible mood and I was preparing to leave for the store to get a few items for dinner. She completely lit into me and telling me how awful I was. I tried to keep my cool and not say anything back but I finally lost it and let her know what my current thoughts of her are. It escalated into a huge argument where I broke just about every DB rule in the book and took a major step backwards. Does she truly hate me this much or is this her dealing with her own struggles and taking it out on me? She was bringing up things from 15 years ago to point out how bad of a person I am.
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
Does she truly hate me this much or is this her dealing with her own struggles and taking it out on me?
Nah, that's where don't believe anything she says and half of what she does.
Do not argue with her just walk away. Try to limit your setbacks. Read up on detachment.
Originally Posted By: lostrig
Last weekend I took my son to the beach and most of the time I would find myself watching other families and feeling somewhat jealous I didn't have that.
I know that feeling but believe me it gets better.
