I don't normally post, but I have to explain boundaries to you:
When you set a boundary, it is for YOU, not for HER.
You CANNOT tell her what she can and can't do, you can only decide how to respond to her actions.
So when you set a boundary, it's about setting it up to protect you, not to control her or her actions.
Ex. WW spewing at you is a boundary that you can set. You can tell WW that you will not listen to her berate you, yell, etc. and if she does that there is a natural consequence-most likely, you walk away, don't respond to text, etc.
You cannot tell her who she can call, or where she can call from.
If she's doing that to try to get to you, BTW, it's working. You need to pretend like it doesn't phase you at all.
Here's an example of a boundary you can set and could've set when she gave you that talk about "disrespect."
WW: joe, I know I disrespected you and that's why you're doing this to me.
joe: WW, I'm just living my life. As long as you're still in an active A (contacting OM), what I do is none of your business. I'm going to go now.
--and you end it there. You walk away after that, because you've set your boundary and told her that she doesn't get to discuss R with you until she's serious.
So she STILL has the choice to contact OM. It might still bother you; there's nothing you can do about it, but you've set up a boundary to protect you.
You've is set a clear boundary: no R talk until NC with OM.
If she wants to talk R, she knows what she has to do.
I'm telling you this right now: It may never happen. She might never get it, but you are protecting yourself with the boundary.
This make a little more sense?
As far as finances, you can't "take back control." what you should be doing is establishing control over your OWN finances.
ie. setting up an individual account in your name. If you can do a direct deposit into your account, that's best.
If you know what monthly bills are, you can continue to let her pay them and write her a check from your personal account.
you don't tell her anything until she asks. IF you bring it up first, it looks like you're being vindictive.
She'll ask, trust me! Especially if she's the one paying the bills.
when she does, you say
"WW, I'm unsure of what our future looks like, and I'm preparing myself for the reality that our household may dissolve. If you can get me copies of the bills from now on, as long as we're both living here, I'll gladly write a check to cover my portion of the expenses."
Again, this a boundary to protect YOU. You don't want all that responsibility, you want to protect yourself financially and emotionally.
This is why we call it detaching. You are separating yourself from the sitch. all this is right now is a business transaction- the business being the household expenses.
There is no R, no R talk until OM is gone.
This is going to be eating away at you until you can actually detach, but you have to "fake it 'till you make it."
If she ever gets to the point of wanting that R talk again, you need to remember
Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
If you let her in too soon, you show your hand. You have to detach.
