Jmstl-let's get to DBing-Part 4

[Maika]

She then texted and stated if it was an issue to just let her know bc she didn't want to be inconsistent with when D would go. I tried to validate, and simply responded "I understand

That's good. When it comes to kids stuff, I try to be as less adversarial as possible, unless it something bananas.

She also stated that D needed to practice every day, and offered to go half on a keyboard so D can practice at my Apt. I politely declined, and stated that I would handle it. I went out and bought one for D that D and I agreed would be efficient for her needs. Not that I wanted to spend my own money on it (yeah, it'd be nice to have W pay for it too), but I wanted W to know that I do not need her help financially.

How did you and W handle financial things like this in the past? Did she/you contribute to things for the kids or one parent would get it? I am asking because you might have an opportunity to do a 180 here - accept her invitation for payment so that she also feels like she's contributing to D's well-being and interests. You may not need her help financially, but if you've never asked or taken her help, it would be a good 180 to do.

Do you feel like you're the better parent compared to her? I know I did and I have had to look hard at that to realize that I was projecting my own negative perceptions of W to cloud my thinking. Every opportunity I get now, I do a 180 on this and W has noticed.

I feel that I am making absolutely ZERO progress with my DBing, and often wonder if I should just give in, but I am not giving up. I know that it take an extreme amount of patience.

I know buddy. As the old DB/DR adage says - this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there!

Should I text W and let her know I got the Keyboard, or simply say nothing. I want her to know I followed through on my word (IMO building trust) or just let her think whatever she wants about how I handled it? I'm sure D will tell her tonight anyway.

Reflect on my earlier comment and then think about it.

[Jmstl]

She then texted and stated if it was an issue to just let her know bc she didn't want to be inconsistent with when D would go. I tried to validate, and simply responded "I understand

That's good. When it comes to kids stuff, I try to be as less adversarial as possible, unless it something bananas.

She also stated that D needed to practice every day, and offered to go half on a keyboard so D can practice at my Apt. I politely declined, and stated that I would handle it. I went out and bought one for D that D and I agreed would be efficient for her needs. Not that I wanted to spend my own money on it (yeah, it'd be nice to have W pay for it too), but I wanted W to know that I do not need her help financially.

How did you and W handle financial things like this in the past? Did she/you contribute to things for the kids or one parent would get it? I am asking because you might have an opportunity to do a 180 here - accept her invitation for payment so that she also feels like she's contributing to D's well-being and interests. You may not need her help financially, but if you've never asked or taken her help, it would be a good 180 to do.

Do you feel like you're the better parent compared to her? I know I did and I have had to look hard at that to realize that I was projecting my own negative perceptions of W to cloud my thinking. Every opportunity I get now, I do a 180 on this and W has noticed.

I feel that I am making absolutely ZERO progress with my DBing, and often wonder if I should just give in, but I am not giving up. I know that it take an extreme amount of patience.

I know buddy. As the old DB/DR adage says - this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there!

Should I text W and let her know I got the Keyboard, or simply say nothing. I want her to know I followed through on my word (IMO building trust) or just let her think whatever she wants about how I handled it? I'm sure D will tell her tonight anyway.

Reflect on my earlier comment and then think about it.

When it came to money matters in the past we just paid for it out of our joint (only) account. She is paying for the classes themselves, so I did not think it was fair for her to pay for something that would reside soley at my place. At her apt, is the piano.

I have asked for her help financially, esp when it came to getting the apt. I used my paycheck to move her, and skipped the mortgage to do it. I took out a 401k loan to get caught up on the mortgage. So when it came time to get my apt, because I had to sign a lease 12 days before I had intended, I let her know the situation. She offered to look at her budget and help where she could. She said that it was only fair, bc of what I had done for her.

I absolutely do not feel like I am the better parent. If I had to say, I would say that I am the lesser parent, but I cannot state specifically why. D seems to have more fun at W's apt, but I think that is because there is more to do, and she snuggles much more with her in bed. I have fun with her in my own, yet different way (Last night we played dressup and go fish, you should see me in a tutu).

S seems to be talking more, and his new words seem to be mostly coming from W. Although he has learned a few new words from me (glasses and dog bone just this weekend)

I take them for walks every day. I try to let them have fun at dinner (usually pick, and last night let them have ice cream after),

But I still cannot shake that I am not a great dad. Perhaps it is the extreme hit on my self esteem and ego.

I want to be less adversarial. I want to also talk about things other than the kids (but I don't). I want her to start to open up to me (I know I can't control that), but I also don't want her to think I am just being a cold jerk who won't communicate (Communication was a big reason for the Separation to begin with). I want to be engaging and fun for her to be around, but at the same time I want her to know I won't be pushed around and be her plan B.

[Jmstl]

Question.

Is it possible W could be having a MLC?

I am not too sure, but I tried to do some light reading on it, and I am not sure what the difference between a MLC and just a WAS really is.

[Kylo]

I'm not absolutely sure of the difference either, but I'll take a stab:

The WAS has a longer build-up or lead-in time. The spouse is unhappy for an extended period of time. Eventually gives up on the complaining, which can lead to the other spouse thinking everything is fine. The WAS picks a time in the future to leave, then springs it on the other spouse.

MLC is more tied to the mid-life transition. More stable people/relationships handle this self-questioning, and keep on trucking. Others end up blowing up their marriage. I think MLC can be influenced by an extended bad R, which can make it similar to WAS. Some have said MLC is tied to depression. I think MLC would have more wild behavior associated with it. I think MLC has more of a "fog" aspect to it, and would have a longer resolution time. MLC usually has a trigger event. This is all from memory and could be wrong. I don't think WAS or MLC has much of a difference in DB techniques.

[Jmstl]

I'm not absolutely sure of the difference either, but I'll take a stab:

The WAS has a longer build-up or lead-in time. The spouse is unhappy for an extended period of time. Eventually gives up on the complaining, which can lead to the other spouse thinking everything is fine. The WAS picks a time in the future to leave, then springs it on the other spouse.

MLC is more tied to the mid-life transition. More stable people/relationships handle this self-questioning, and keep on trucking. Others end up blowing up their marriage. I think MLC can be influenced by an extended bad R, which can make it similar to WAS. Some have said MLC is tied to depression. I think MLC would have more wild behavior associated with it. I think MLC has more of a "fog" aspect to it, and would have a longer resolution time. MLC usually has a trigger event. This is all from memory and could be wrong. I don't think WAS or MLC has much of a difference in DB techniques.

Thanks, Kylo. My main reason for asking was to figure out if there were different DB techniques for WAS vs MLC.

It is still hard for me to pinpoint which it is.

I think my detachment has been getting a little bit better everyday. But this morning I was seething with anger bc of how this is going to affect the children in the long term. W was always so worried about 'messing up the kids' and I really feel that this will. 'Maybe not in some sort of bad behavior sort of way' but shaping their world view, and telling them that it is okay to just walk away from commitments and people when things get rough. My friend who left her husband and I were talking the other day, and she said that W will be going through phases.

I asked what some were.

The show him I am good without him stage
The I don't care
The I can find someone better
The I am doing it alone
The I am very lonely
The I need him back
The I was wrong and made mistakes
The will he take me back.

Time will tell if any of these actually pan out.

[Jmstl]

So, this is an email exchange from yesterday.

I have not initiated anything until then, but I felt it was important for her to see that I am leading, and staying true to my word (Building trust)

W,

Here is the keyboard that D6 and I ended up picking out to compliment her piano lessons.

link to item

Please let me know if there is anything else you need.

Have a great day,

Jmstl


W-Awesome. There also this if you want me to order it with free shipping. It comes with a stand and bench??

^^ This is what gets me aggravated every time. I know she thinks she is being helpful, but I feel it is controlling. I said I would take care of it. I took care of it, and yet W still wants to have a say in it. As if my decision was not good enough


Me-That would be great, but we picked it up yesterday. No bench or stand, but we will make do. Thank you, though.

^^This is me basically saying I am sticking by my decision, and I don't need you to try and change it

W-Awesome!!! <-Her fake generic response these days



Later, I sent her a text telling her I signed D6 up for a special science class and put it on the calendar, so she would know. Never got a response.

Decided to go back to keeping answers very short when she messaged later and asked if I wanted books for mt apt, and just responded with 'yes'

[TBSakaJ9]

Later, I sent her a text telling her I signed D6 up for a special science class and put it on the calendar, so she would know. Never got a response.

My W does that to me all the time. I just realized that I have to communicate with her for kid related stuff and to not expect a response back. Sometimes she responds and other times she does not. I also realized she is generally more friendly via text/email than she is in person.

It used to bother me but now it doesn't

Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to be more responsive to her and friendly when emailing/texting on kid issues. Before I was strictly 1 word and/or no responses at all unless it was a question.

I have seen no changes in her attitude towards me with either approach. We even shared a couple of beers at my d's soccer practice. Based on this I am going back to delivering her short answers, etc. as it helps me to continue with detaching.

[Jmstl]

Later, I sent her a text telling her I signed D6 up for a special science class and put it on the calendar, so she would know. Never got a response.

My W does that to me all the time. I just realized that I have to communicate with her for kid related stuff and to not expect a response back. Sometimes she responds and other times she does not. I also realized she is generally more friendly via text/email than she is in person.

It used to bother me but now it doesn't

Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to be more responsive to her and friendly when emailing/texting on kid issues. Before I was strictly 1 word and/or no responses at all unless it was a question.

I have seen no changes in her attitude towards me with either approach. We even shared a couple of beers at my d's soccer practice. Based on this I am going back to delivering her short answers, etc. as it helps me to continue with detaching.

Yeah J9. I don't know if I should continue to just be very scarce on words, or if I should be a little more elaborate in my answers.

I know W told me her walls were starting to come down, but I don't really believe it. On the other hand, I don't want to come off as cold. I don't think that will make me appear to be an enjoyable person to be around.

[TBSakaJ9]

That's the hard part not come across as cold, angry etc. I try to mix it up some. She sent me a text last night telling me she was not going to be at my d's soccer practice last night. I didn't respond to it. She does the same thing to me so I didn't worry about it and at the end of the day she is not going to D me over me not responding to a text.

I will see her tonight and act my normal upbeat and positive self with no talks of our R or D.

[Jmstl]

That's the hard part not come across as cold, angry etc. I try to mix it up some. She sent me a text last night telling me she was not going to be at my d's soccer practice last night. I didn't respond to it. She does the same thing to me so I didn't worry about it and at the end of the day she is not going to D me over me not responding to a text.

I will see her tonight and act my normal upbeat and positive self with no talks of our R or D.

In a way, I guess it is nice to be able to see her at practice. More interaction to guage the situation and see a change.

In my sitch, we see each other for under 10 minutes a week, during handoff on Friday or Sunday.