I read over your post on my lunch break. Yes i am most certainly keeping a scoreboard. I can see that now. Yes I want him to feel affected like I am. I want him to wake up to see the kids are affected by his decisions. I'm mad that we have to split up holidays and one of us has to spend Christmas morning alone. I'm mad that I'm the one at home raising the kids and driving them everywhere. While he does what? Goes home to a house where he has no arguing teenage daughter or homework. Or a leaking well pump. Yes I'm angry about that. I'm angry about his blind ways. I am desparetly trying to get rid of this anger. I am seeing an IC.
Your comment made sense that it's been a year since his BD not since behaviour changes. Some days I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. And I think if I got rid of him I would do ok. I hate working with him now. It just reminds me of the future I don't have. The one we had planned. I know I have a new one. One of my own making and it can be as fabulous as I want it. I'm only here because I get paid for my job really really well. Other then that I would quit. It's a conundrum for sure.
I want him to pay for the divorce and settle everything because this is what he wants. And I guess that is where my constant confusion comes in. Sure it's not listen to what they say. And only half of what they do. But parts of me wonders if he hasn't moved his stuff out of the house because his house is so small it won't fit into his place. And I know mind reading gets you no where. I know all this. But why can't I get my sh*t together and live that way? I am GAL. The kids and I had a blast at the local fair this weekend. I fill my calendar up with stuff to do. But honestly. If he truly wants to get out, then get out, so we can both move on. I find it incredibly hard to trust him after the EAs we went thru a year ago. And being separated makes it even worse. And if he is dating, then I want to know and then I will file. And I told him that. I told him if he starts dating then I want to know so I can quit at work. It's just confusing. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. And some days I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. And yes I do do some of the stuff to cause a reaction, so he can say woah what am I doing. I need to come back home. And that's why I said if he wants to leave let's do this. Because I can't take the insanity anymore. At all. And I try not to think of him and get on with my day. But working with him makes that hard. And if he does end up leaving then I have to mourn all over again?? I don't want that. Yes a patience is a virtue. Of which I don't have. And yes thank you for the 2x4. I'm going to process that further and take to heart what you said.
