Still here. Still not detached...

[25yearsmlc]

Happy Monday everyone. So much to respond to. Thank you 25 for taking the time to offer all of your thoughts. I need to go back and digest everything before commenting.
- went to play at the open blues jam in Philly. The sign-up sheet was light so I got to play for almost 2 hours.

How lovely!! What do you play?

Of course, there were some times where I struggled to tame my monkey brain. A few obstacles made that hard.

1. Now that we've decided that I am going to buy my W out of the house she has reduced her effort to help maintain it to the bare minimum. I don't complain to her about it though, I just do my best to keep up with everything when I'm there.

This^^ makes sense (and in her mind it probably does too). Of course the better the house looks, the more money for all...

What would happen if you told her that you are having a hard time keeping everything up? And what if you acknowledged that it must have been a lot for her too (IF she makes a snarky comment, I mean)? It would be a great way to know you have communicated something without an expectation from her

and that you will NOT get baited but make sure you don't say it in a way that seems as if you are baiting her. It's just about you disclosing something you are struggling with and NOT you attacking her. Good chance to show a new dynamic. Or not.



2. Found out from the kids (with zero prodding I should add), that my W had a few people over on Friday night and OM2 was part of the group. Considering item #1, this seems very disrespectful to me, but I didn't mention it.


I can see how it may look insensitive, but "disrespectful"? Uh, not so much. There were others around, not just her and OM2. And this will work itself out soon enough.

Maybe She sees this home as still hers until you buy her out. And the nesting thing you both agreed to, did not make this a boundary, correct?

Take a breath and remember that the more time she has OM2, the sooner she'll see that he's actually not the fantasy man she hoped. No one is...




3. W and I talked briefly about setting up an initial appt with a mediator. I think we both want this "nesting" arrangement to be over soon.

be careful not to mind read here^^^. You may be right, but you don't know. You know how YOU feel and that matters, but no need to assign an opinion to her.


But to do that requires refinancing the house in my name only and dividing up the assets so that she has some liquid to get set up in her own place. The whole conversation is surreal. It's like the two of us are just business partners working out details.

OMG yeah, I know how surreal it is. I really do My h of 35 years and I do not speak to each other at all - and he's not in contact with our children. Yeah, talk about surreal.

It's like he died, and we didn't get to have a funeral (and no one is bringing over food).
I try to tell myself he's on Mars and is simply presently unavailable.

Whatever helps. Chris, this is the most important financial transaction of your life. You are, for all intents and purposes, business partners and co-parents.

Let her feel some of the results and let go of your need to control events. She may believe that SOON she'll have her freedom and all will be well!!

Ain't no better treatment for delusions, than a bowl of reality.

Don't be a jerk, but be careful of your interests.


Even though I'm listening, every fiber of my being is longing to cry out, "Please stop this! Call it off! Let's try to work on things!" At one point she even said, "You look like you want to say something." But I just said, "Nope, I'm good."

She may have been probing. If it happens again, you can say something "real" but without overt pursuit, (if it's authentic for you. Especially if she felt you were not authentic about your emotions within the m. Maybe this -

"W, Oh,me? It's just this feels surreal to me. It's a lot to process. Anyhow, no worries. So, where were we?"

Chris, I highly doubt this is an emotionless process for her. No matter what she feels about you or the m or the family or OM#2 or what her fantasy is, this is not easy.
Even if she acts as if THIS is what she needs/wants/dreamed of!

She has to see what validates her choices...for now...



I'm reminded of the end scene in the movie Swingers. For the entire movie the main character is pining away for his ex-girlfriend - checking his messages every 5 minutes... Then he goes out with his friends, has a great time, and meets a girl that he really likes. The very next morning his ex calls him to talk and he blows her off.

This is one of the things I've been attached to for so long: "When she comes to her senses it will be too late."

As I said before, this^^ is common. It does show that you are being realistic and thinking ahead.

Some LBSers just obsess so much about undoing the rejection "reconciliation is THE ONLY goal" and that is detrimental to them.

I think you are self aware enough to think it out. And it will haunt you at first (b/c it means that you may not ever regain this m and your life will not be the same. And that is terrifying. ) ** You don't know the future and the good news is, you don't need to at this time.

A mark of detachment will be when the reason you might have moved on is not b/c you have another woman in your life, but b/c your life without a woman is still complete.



What a stupid way for me to live my life right? Worrying about a very specific set of circumstances that may never happen..?

We all have been there. We all need to work on it, (not just divorcing people, when you think about it).

You will learn to be i the present more. And the DivorceCare group will help.

Anyway, I have the first session of Divorce Care tonight so I'll follow up with a post about the experience.

Excellent!