Still here. Still not detached...

[Chris73]

Happy Monday everyone. So much to respond to. Thank you 25 for taking the time to offer all of your thoughts. I need to go back and digest everything before commenting.

In the meantime, I had a great GAL weekend. Hung out with a buddy on Friday night. Had the kids all day Saturday. Dinner with my mom Saturday night and then caught up on sleep. Yesterday I watched some football and then went to play at the open blues jam in Philly. The sign-up sheet was light so I got to play for almost 2 hours.

Of course, there were some times where I struggled to tame my monkey brain. A few obstacles made that hard.

1. Now that we've decided that I am going to buy my W out of the house she has reduced her effort to help maintain it to the bare minimum. I don't complain to her about it though, I just do my best to keep up with everything when I'm there.

2. Found out from the kids (with zero prodding I should add), that my W had a few people over on Friday night and OM2 was part of the group. Considering item #1, this seems very disrespectful to me, but I didn't mention it.

3. W and I talked briefly about setting up an initial appt with a mediator. I think we both want this "nesting" arrangement to be over soon. But to do that requires refinancing the house in my name only and dividing up the assets so that she has some liquid to get set up in her own place. The whole conversation is surreal. It's like the two of us are just business partners working out details. Even though I'm listening, every fiber of my being is longing to cry out, "Please stop this! Call it off! Let's try to work on things!" At one point she even said, "You look like you want to say something." But I just said, "Nope, I'm good."

I'm reminded of the end scene in the movie Swingers. For the entire movie the main character is pining away for his ex-girlfriend - checking his messages every 5 minutes... Then he goes out with his friends, has a great time, and meets a girl that he really likes. The very next morning his ex calls him to talk and he blows her off.

This is one of the things I've been attached to for so long: "When she comes to her senses it will be too late." What a stupid way for me to live my life right? Worrying about a very specific set of circumstances that may never happen..?

Anyway, I have the first session of Divorce Care tonight so I'll follow up with a post about the experience.