Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

Hen,

I don't understand your path. You don't want the divorce. You want to change the way you interact. So you manage to make some behavioral changes. And he responds well to them, like HE is content with the new you.

But this bothers you...because you were only acting happy, you actually felt hurt and furious and he did not act like he did.

What did you want from him? Did you want him to suffer in some way so that this would "feel fairer" to you? We all struggle with these thoughts but it's not really something we will feel good about later. It actually undermines your new way of life.

Once he reacted well to your changes, you backslid and now you demand HE do some work to END things. I cannot help but think you are doing this to get a reaction from him,

(which I think you know is not new behavior) or to hurt him so he can understand how you feel.

That's not easy to admit but it is a common mistake. We tend to think if the WAS is not devastated like we are, they must not care and they are not "paying" for wounding us.

So I'd remind you to lose the scorecard, first. Second, learn more patience. A lot more. Your changes are not a year old, his statement to you happened a year ago. Not the same.

also your h has said numerous times all he wants is less conflict. (And that he does not believe you/the dynamic can change.)

Conflict for him is painful. Not easy for you I assume, but it's not a natural thing for him. I think it drains him.




[quote=Henwen]So since making that statement about I don't care if he comes home or not and let's get this over with, he won't sit down with me. I'm frustrated beyond measure.

ever think he just wanted what he saw from you, to last? He wants to trust that your changes are real so He can feel safe from criticism and

maybe that is what he got with the kids on his own. Why continue to tell him you don't care? What is the goal of that statement? It is not detachment. I think you know how It sounds.

Why do you want him to shoulder the divorce paperwork? Couldn't you just file if you really wanted to? I'm not suggesting it but don't know what your goals are here.

Also you say this is Not what you want.



I want my life back and to stop playing his games. I'm not interested in being his doormat. I'm not interested in pushing a divorce.

I don't know where the doormat piece is, but you are pushing for the divorce. Read your post from an outsiders perspective.

To me, it seemed you were making real change in the way you interact with him. But you wanted an immediate reversal from him. When you did not get it, you lashed out.

Hen, I know how hard this is. But please step back and read the past few posts of your thread.



But how do I get my point across that I'm ok with ending this. I've said it, I've left him alone. I truly don't care what he does now. I've come right out and asked him to sit down and go over things. He won't.

I think if you read this^^^ you can see and hear the indecision in you. You cannot get your point across and demand he join you in the "let's divorce" dance at the same time. They are not consistent demands.

Why couldn't you just keep up the PMA and GAL for more than a few weeks? Wasn't life better for YOU?

Or Were the changes really just tactics to get him back? Tactics are not authentic changes.

Here is the math of it:

consistent change + sufficient time = change he can believe in.





I did however get a response when he said for me to move on. I asked what he meant by that. As I had already told him at that point that I didn't care if he moved back or not. And he said for me to stop assuming he has a gf. He doesn't. And every time he answers a text to assume it's a gf. So I said fine. I won't assume anymore.

Anyways. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think at this point it's a lost cause, as of October it will be a year. [/quote


Look at this^^^ dynamic. You are cajoling and baiting him yet you do Not want a divorce... I feel as if you are daring him to file for divorce.

The vacation for him MAY have been a respite, not a time for wondering about missing you. You backed off and he returned - possibly with hope for you guys-- but not yet ready to completely change his mind/heart and path.

Then you declared your indifference and that you wanted him to hurry up and --- and what?

You want him or file & sit down with you only to see the horror of his choice and then slap his forehead and say "now that you've forced me to decide, I want this dynamic back!"?

Hen, please take this next comment as it is intended, which is to help YOU.

Okay, ready? (Got your helmet on?)

You're in pain. It has triggered You to behave a bit like a bully to him. Please take deep breaths and don't take any bait and do Not prod him anymore. Back off as if YOU have had the awakening (Sandi's "37 rules"--)


Maybe that ^^^ should be a permanent tool for you. It's a good one and I know you can do it.

Besides, If he really wanted the divorce and was now positive, you'd know!