25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

thank you both. My d28 arrives wednesday & d20, Friday. Marathon wedding gala begins.

My place is a wreck and my kids have not see it. It's important to me that it look more together - I can imagine you guys know why.

I told myself last night and again, this morning, that I feel overwhelmed. I'm stressed. And it's not the first time this past year, that I've felt this way.

In my 20's I was a 3rd year law student married to a veterinarian (yes, my h). We were pregnant about 5 years early, I was taking a bar review course at night, classes 3 days a week and working 2 days a week. Oh, and job hunting while pregnant.

As the months passed, I was surprised to see how much more fatigued I became. My mother had 9 kids in 12 years and had so much energy. (Later she reminded me of the naps she took with Beethoven blaring out - no wonder).

H told several people "25 is taking her finals in May, having a baby in June, taking the bar exam in July and starting her new job in August." He was so proud and yet the closer to the due date I became, the more unsettled I was. I don't think I wanted to live up to all that. I kept thinking about this baby and how OUR life was going to be.

Anyhow, I could not pull it off. I failed an exam, and ended up finishing law school a semester late, at night. I knew within 5 minutes of the exam that I had not passed but I was RELIEVED. It meant I could temporarily stay at home with the baby I had fallen in love with, but had not yet met.

I just could not express before then, that at some level my body or brain was saying "this is a bad plan, I don't have to do ALL of this at once."

H told me he was impressed that I was " so resilient". In a moment of clarity he once said "I felt a little bad that so much pressure was on you." Yeah, no kidding. And he kept at it in not so subtle ways.

So in a way he's still doing it.

But your feedback helps me realize I don't have to have everything all tied up nicely.

That this IS a lot of stress and I just have to manage to do 1-2 things per day.

Can't let anxiety interfere with my effectiveness.

It's going to be a year, next month. Speaking of being hard on myself, I told my T that I thought I'd have my life more together by now.

She's a good source of rational positive feedback. And you guys are too.

I'll raise the issue of reaching out to H, with her. I don't know that NC is easier for him, but probably.

And yes, I know it's not about him. It just seems like reaching out to him, even if I lay prone on the railroad tracks, will end up hurting me more.

Per his L -- to my L -- to me (yeah I know, least discreet lawyers I've dealt with but then, for all I know I'm one of the few who STFU about clients comments)

h "hates my guts" and so, somehow I feel as if it would mean lowering my shield. Like turning the other cheek would mean getting slapped again. Hard to see it otherwise when some of his actions have not even been to his benefit, (like cancelling the life insurance I was paying for, that cost him nothing) but just to harm me.

Like I said, I'll run it by my T and I do thank you for the input

PS I'm one of 4 L's in my family and my brother - who did divorce law for some years- spoke to my lawyer and at the time he felt reassured.

I'm not opposed to asking him again!