"How did you react viscerally to that email?" It made me sad, deeply sad. It felt like a glimmer of the person I love, but I can also see that he's still running.
"It must have been nice to get some sort of acknowledgement from him" I don't know. It was a surprise. I'm not sure I see much acknowledgement of me or our marriage or that he ever loved me. I do see acknowledgement that he has regrets and things he now thinks he should have done differently, although not what they are. I see that he feels he can't go back and sees only a solo route forward. In so many ways, NC is easier because this kind of thing forces you to look the loss in the eye. I feel sad.
"You seem to have your head on straight and you detachment armour on." Not sure about that. I think I've just learned to accept the reality of what is while feeling the pain that it is, if that makes sense. To focus on what I can do because there is so much I can't control or influence. To accept that the behaviours, emotions and feelings he talks about rewrote my life but they are still unknown to me. That my H decided somehow at some point that I was irrelevant to him. That he obviously still thinks I am irrelevant in his future. The bit I'm most proud of? That I didn't bite on his comment about "what remains of us". I really wanted to, to ask or challenge or shout, but I didn't.
I am full of sorrow today, beyond tears. And tomorrow is my anniversary. But I have learned that I can keep going, so that's something.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
