I can't really say anything constructive about the children/co-parenting side of things (not having children), but I can try and help on the 'fear of calm' side of things?
You've been through an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotion with everything that's happened since the summer of 2013. It's been a super adrenaline-fuelled few years. That adrenaline has helped you get through it, to this point. It's given you a huge amount of energy. And it's a great feeling, having the energy and the drive to take on a difficult and stressful situation.
The flip side of the adrenaline high is a very deep low. We can't sustain that level of energy and just carry on regardless. The toll it takes on our body is quite high (and obviously your state of mind is intrinsically linked to what's happening in your physical self).
So my guess is that most people would do anything to get out of that low, and the easiest way would be to seek out another adrenaline fuelled situation. And so the roller coaster starts again. After such a long time, it also becomes a way of life for a lot of people.
The fear of calm that you talk about might be a fear of losing the tremendous highs of the adrenaline rush?
Nonetheless, how to learn to rest in contentment? I found meditation an incredibly powerful tool. I don't know if you've ever tried it? There are loads of different kinds, serving different purposes, but I found a type called 'Loving Kindness' particularly beneficial for me. If you look up 'Loving Kindness Meditation' on YouTube you'll find loads of free guided meditations. I just look for one that is about the length of time I want to dedicate to it, and one that I like the voice of the person that's doing the talking.
I've also found physical exercise to be incredibly beneficial. All that adrenaline has somewhere to **go** once you start running/any cardio/any exercise that raises your heartbeat.
I remember reading a study of the groups of performers that suffered most and least from stage fright. They studied musicians, actors and dancers. Guess what? Those groups that moved least (musicians) suffered the most from stage fright, and those that moved most (dancers) suffered the least from stage fright. All that adrenaline in the dancer's bodies had somewhere to **go** once they got on stage and started moving around.
I've found that these two things have evened things out for me **a lot**. Even if I only feel a couple of moments of contentment in one day at times that things are particularly bad, that's enough for me. I've got to that place, so I know I can get back. I just need to keep working on it.
