25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Given that he has already dug in and is doing everything he can to screw you and will likely continue, what if you reached out to him and appealed to his "goodness" and "honor". Narcissists love to be told how great they are.

Yes indeed. And this^^ has occurred to me, (esp since I can solve our tax problem and I'm pretty sure he's clueless and fuming about it. I'm sure it'll be my fault, somehow....)
My T is very opposed to the idea of me reaching out and when we think it all out, it does not end well. I guess she thinks it will set me back. but I'll run it by here again.

From what I've learned, the only way we can deal with narcissists is No Contact. And that works for me.

Frankly, if he keeps up the NC with our kids, there may be no reason for me to ever see him again. Sounds crazy (35 years of marriage, good grief). But the only thing worse is to subject myself to his crap again. It's incredibly upsetting.



What if you said I think something is getting lost in this process with the lawyers because I am quite certain it is not your intention to leave me penniless or our D in a precarious situation with her schooling. We've been partners and had each other's backs for most of our lives

First, h thinks me getting the minimum is 100% FAIR! He thinks that is fine. he cannot believe I should get some of his earnings. He'd rather "retire" than give any to me even temporarily. Maybe his Schmoopie is egging him on. I don't know

But I cannot lie Own. I can leave things out but I will not lie and it turns out h has not had my back for a few years now. We were in 2 different marriages.


so it seems very sad to me that we can't reach a civil resolution here at the end.


I realize that you weren't happy with me and wanted a different kind of life


I will not say this^^^b/c it is a lie. I don't think h was unhappy with ME. Sure acted like we were fine though I can see his criticisms in a new light. I cannot enable his revisions.

H never told me he was unhappy in the m, either not once.

And the kind of life he wanted, as far as I can tell, is that of a part time h/dad, who des what he wants when he wants and used me as his touchstone for his periodic family fixes and respectability,

while he cheated and lied and ruined our finances WHILE also blaming me for all of his relentless restlessness, and private festering of grievances, until his narrative became so distorted I do not recognize it.

But then, at the time, Until he did not show up for me in the hospital I did Not know WTF was happening.

I'm feeling stressed and angry at the moment. I need to process and release it and don't mean to sound mad at you. I'm going to meditate in a minute.

and I accept that I need to make my own life going forward, but I want us to leave this marriage with dignity and I don't really feel that we are doing that right now.


Own, I have behaved with dignity and have not once responded to his nasty idiocy.
I'm not posting on fb or deliberately ignoring court rulings. I have done all that was requested of me.

Maybe I could say something like "This is an ugly way to end a 35 year marriage. I have a hard time believing it's what you want. It's going to keep on costing us both a fortune & the only ones gaining wealth, are lawyers (other than me, the L who had your children).

I remember how you felt towards your father after your parents divorced. For the sake of your r's with our children, I hope you'll avoid that path. I know deep down you love them."

This kind of speech generally works very well with my H. If I remind him what a "decent" guy he is or how we have supported each other in the past, he generally does what I want or need him to.

I understand what you are saying. (I do.) That's why similar thoughts have crossed my mind. )

But his behavior is so out of the ballpark I just don't believe I can enable or fuel his insane narrative. When S31 told me his dad was "mentally ill", I asked him what specifically he meant (and of course I fell into my rescue pattern of wondering "if I 'should help h"...I'm embarrassing myself now)

S31 said "mom, just look at how he's acting. Good riddance to lunacy."

But yes, once upon a time we were an enviable team. People asked us for advice and literally complimented our m, many times over the years.
But I'm so angry at the moment and probably so fearful that I'm having a hard time kissing a$$. God knows I should be more used to it by now.

Something in me is growing more stubborn about what I'm willing to do or say to "keep the peace." I know I'm so done.

Our d20 no longer needs him for money b/c, you know, he cut her off - did I mention that his letter to her was semi scrap paper? On the back of one of the sheets there were patient notes. And he crossed some words out (including the date he "retired" which actually made me laugh a bit. Nice cover, h.

Now that we survived without his big purse string of dependence, he has no extra power. He burned that bridge with the last child who really yearned for a R with him. And what a fool he was to do that. She's a wonderful young woman. F- him.

And I think case law is in my favor. Still, I detest borrowing money. Never did it before. Yes for school or homes, we "bborrowed." But I have never had to ask a person for a loan. But I swallowed my pride and did it and so far, I have gotten support. In some ways I feel really lucky.


Perhaps your crazy H just needs to feel like he has some control back and he can choose to be a good guy.


This ^^^ is 100% true. He hates the lack of control. I mean, wow, he sure does.

I should have made a tape to play adoring comments so he could feel good about his choices without me feeling like a manipulative liar.

But isn't that what OW Schmoopie is for? Last I heard, he's finally SO happy.

I frankly don't see the downside of making this kind of park bench effort since he's already dug in and is screwing you about as badly as he can.

my boundaries and self respect -- but I am aware that those have to be balanced against pride.

Trying to find the line. Maybe my T can help. Looking back over the past several years, Own I spent so much energy bailing water out of a sinking ship, I barely could notice how my needs were not met. It was all about h. H was the priority.

And the m/family were just options for him. Thank God my eyes are open now. Better late than never.