Maybell 41: The Saga Continues

[Maybell]

Taking a few minutes out from exam prep to post a little update.

Had a very rocky week with Mr. Fantastic. He casually announced that he was changing the kid schedule for this coming week, and when I protested he "offered" to revisit the whole agreement, told me he was "being nice" keeping the kids during the week because "he didn't have to" and when I said yes he did, he said "No. It's *not* in the agreement. READ IT." And stormed out. I sent him a text telling him that I accommodate his every request and there was no reason to treat me like that and he sent me a LOOOONG angry text back accusing me of bullying him and being aggressive and everything else ugly. Apparently I'm a bitter old b!tch.

I'll admit, it really rattled me for a day or two. The whole thing was just so venomous. The only thing I've done to make him loathe me so much is fight for a fair settlement for me and the kids. Considering that he has not paid for any medical costs outside of what the insurance covers, including a pretty substantial therapy bill for my D14 (and he wont' even help me get that through insurance, in spite of my requests), and he pays for very little else for them, I don't know what he would prefer I pay for.

That's neither here nor there. It just upsets me that he treated me so awfully and yet he's the one who is so venomous to me.

Then another day my daughter showed him that I still have all the old CDs he left behind and he was on the point of taking them when I said "This is MY house." He said "Do you even listen to these?" And I just looked at him. That's not my business. He had plenty of opportunity to take stuff out of the house before we sold the marital home.

In that same conversation, he adjusted his clothing in a way that I could see his jeans were sagging around his hips a little (a lot), and.... apparently he's stopped wearing underwear. Which kind of just seals the deal for me that at some point in the past he made a decision to become a person who I would find repulsive. I'm sure he didn't consciously decide to become repulsive to me personally, but the road he's decided to travel gets him there. That gives me some peace. I couldn't have tanked a marriage where our values were so far apart from each other.

No offense to any of my friends who like to go commando, it just is something I don't want to be intimate with. Or really, modeled to my kids. Though I don't get a say in that.

At a party last night I was talking to a couple of D14's friends' moms, and there was some concern about the amount of oversight he provides when the kids are at his house.

Then last night, during a really delightful weekend with My Guy, I dreamed that Mr. Fantastic was sitting in his living room feeling really sad because of how horrible our relationship has become. That was all it was, but just incredibly vivid, and when I woke up I felt a little bit of peace. (Didn't tell the dream to My Guy, of course.) Like, MAYBE he does have a sense of what he's ruined.

But this evening when he dropped the kids off he was grim to me and I was to him too. If I could just erase him from my life I so would.

**. ***. ***

I have noticed in myself a fear of calm. Like I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have something to be anxious over. It's difficult for me to rest in contentment, as much as I'd like to. If anyone can suggest how to learn that I'm open to learning more.