It's true, the WAS who returns home usually can't deal with the pain they've caused and would like the whole thing to just be swept under the rug. It's also true that the anger that the LBS has kept suppressed for so long in the interest of DBing can start to surface once the spouse is back.
My ex and I had a successful DB reconciliation after his affair about 16 years into our marriage. (I do remember, though, during that first year back, occasionally screaming "I want a divorce" when driving alone in my car). We had several very good years and then he spiraled back into MLC (and his narcissism) and left for good. I felt at the time of that first reconciliation that it was really important for my kids (preteens and early teens at the time). But what I didn't find out until after he left was that even when things were good during the reconciliation, the kids were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In reality, it may not have been the best thing for my kids for me to have reconciled that first time. They lived with daily uncertainty.
If your ex had never left, that would be one thing - kids who were never aware there was any problem might benefit from never knowing. But given that they already know that dad leaving is a possibility - a rocky reconciliation may not be better for them than a stable divorce.
There's no good answer. But you're not wrong to expect more from your H in terms of making things up to you.
