Definitely hear what your saying with the "why" questions. That was definitely me. Probably ruined some things. But my W would try to manipulate the situation by saying ahe was changing her mind about me. But convientlu that would change when I called her out on her dirt.
Plus most of my "why" were for improvement purposes, so I could know where I went wrong. But I realized that my W was just pulling excuses out of her a** that made no sense whatsoever. So would you say that it was too late for me considering that my W has moved out already?
Nothing about these situations work to our time line. Settle in for the long battle.
At least you have some positive interactions going on. Keep improving for yourself. It will help two fold you will feel great about yourself and the w will hopefully have a oh [censored] moment and realize what she may lose...
1) W has a BFF (female) from college, also going through a tough time in her own M, giving my W "advice"...none of which is going to be particularly helpful to driving a positive outcome
2) W's "therapist" is also helping her get set up for a D. "Therapist" is more of a divorce coach than someone who can help. "Therapist" is also encouraging W to move out, which legally would be really dumb.
W is still conflicted, that part I know, but with friends like these, it's hard to see the success cocktail here.
JDub, what of this^^^^ can you control?
So how much energy should you invest in contemplating it?
And it's my birthday. Was hoping to chill just a bit.
Oh man, hope you had a decent birthday. It gets better! ( I mean that).
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Definitely hear what your saying with the "why" questions. That was definitely me. Probably ruined some things. But my W would try to manipulate the situation by saying ahe was changing her mind about me. But convientlu that would change when I called her out on her dirt. what's to call out? If she declares that she doubts your changes are real, so what? If they are real, time will reveal that. HER view of your work is not the goal of your change.
Besides, the "math" of it is consistent change + sufficient time = change that will be believed.
Plus most of my "why" were for improvement purposes, so I could know where I went wrong. But I realized that my W was just pulling excuses out of her a** that made no sense whatsoever. who knows why? You are again asking why she did something!
(No longer asking why may be a goal but it's really hard to do, isn't it?)
So would you say that it was too late for me considering that my W has moved out already?
Tread, first, no it's not too late -
and second, in my experience it's more likely to repair and restore a marriage after being apart.
Being "sep" in the same house rarely works. There are more reconciliation stories of couples who got some time apart & learned a few things, than there are of those who remained under the same roof.
For one, it is much harder to notice changes in our spouse when they are there in your face on a daily basis.
For people who only see each other at the child hand off for instance, all you have to do is look and be and act your best for 5 minutes! Much easier to pull it off, including the "act as if" and the "GAL/PMA"...when it's not draining you.
Plus detachment is exponentially harder, so the tensions often lead to more conflict, not less.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W and I have had a really great day together today, which made for a genuinely pleasant birthday. Kayaking, minimal R talk, lots of friends around (all couples).
Our religious leader was at a social gathering, he knows parts of what's going on from me, and spent some time 1:1 with W talking about the importance of looking past the challenges of what's immediately in front of us. She has a ton of respect for him, he genuinely touches her heart. There will be opportunities to build on this later.
R talk was very muted. Last week I resolved a financial problem that has been a festering problem and source of anxiety and stress in our R. We talked about it a little bit, esp how I solved it. Lots of blame directed at me, my parts I owned and apologized for, but also acknowledgement and appreciation that I fixed it. She also asked more about the business, opened up about some career aspirations of hers...all was shockingly positive. I did a lot of validating, or at least tried to (it's actually really hard to do right, esp in the moment).
None of this may mean anything, Sandi and 25yearsmlc may have a point of view on that...but I do like that we can have a really nice day without all the crap.
BTW none of this precludes GAL activities. I am going to do those regardless. It's better for me, and by extension, better than everyone.
So how much energy should you invest in contemplating it?
Her "therapist" often works with her spouse, they both come from divorces and have a mixed family. When they team up, "therapist"'s H sees the H, while W sees the female. They/we then come together and work on an action plan.
This does not feel right to me. A more positive outcome is conceivable, but I think this is a trap. I've said flatly that I will not participate in a collegial divorce action plan. Sorry if that is invalidating, but that's my boundary.
If W is going to drive this potential train wreck, she can own it and the consequences without my buy-in. And, to your point, my involvement in that particular process is what I can control.
Part of me is tempted to meet with the "therapist"'s H and tell him that I won't be manipulated into anything, and "therapist" needs to get off her a$$ and do therapy rather than enabling my W.
W apologized for being bitchy last night when she got frustrated with a video project she was working on. She was excited to have my help and ideas, but then got exasperated with the laptop, so I left the room and went to sleep. I figured if she wants my help, she can be nice about it.
This morning she was back to one-word responses to general polite conversation.
She's leaving town Wed for a week to see her dad. I've decided that I'm not taking her to the airport, going to spend time with some friends instead. GAL in action.
We also ran into an old friend at the party, someone I knew from my single days pre-W. Later that night kids asked about her, and I said that she thought that W wasn't good enough for me at the time. W was visibly taken aback by that, and quickly dismissed the thought saying that friend must have had a thing for me.
Tonight I may mention that several friends had the same view. She doesn't like to hear that, but it's the truth.
There is definitely something to DBing techniques and getting one's groove back.
W is chatty cathy tonight. Decided that she really doesn't like her job, can do more with her career. These are conversations we used to have back when we both had incomes (and we both do now). I like helping her with her resume, she appreciates the help. She's been so open over the past few days, and very happy on the outside. She's nervous about her dad moving to his retirement community, and I think feels good that I'm around to talk with. Her family called me yesterday to wish me a happy birthday, and she was really happy that they did. Told me that she's buying tickets for all of us to go to Seattle for spring break.
Met w/IC today and got some additional guidance on how to detach. It is not easy. Am envisioning W thrashing around in a swimming pool...not drowning, just thrashing and making a commotion. I get out of the pool and join the kids and take them for ice cream. W can keep thrashing, or join us, it's her call...but I can't control or be impacted by what she does. I can choose to go enjoy ice cream with my kids.
I think...I think...that's detachment. Looking forward to trying it.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/12/1708:56 AM. Reason: start a new thread message
