25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

UPDATE - my L called (the senior partner) Says

1) I need to pay up in advance, or they can't keep me on as a client (ouch.)

I Never knew I was behind, but I've been stressed about opening all their mail, tbh. Not very adult like on my part.

2) L says that I "will get the money, the retirement funds aren't going anywhere. But your H is a 'lying cheating b1tch' who will make it a pain in the a$$ to get it."

(I have no experience bring a client. So I don't know if other attorneys engage like this.)

and 3) it's a settlement conference coming in October, not merely a 'hearing'.

The settlement conference is news to me. I'm anxious & glad, but I am surprised it was not clearer to me earlier.

I don't see an alternative to paying up, crossing my fingers and praying hard for the best outcome for me.


So sorry, 25. It is hard and frustrating, I know.

My MLCer is certainly coming out to play! I think we all reflect on how to balance the person in front of us with who we think they were, especially after a long M.[b] I see MLC as being a pendulum really that releases a shadow side of our spouses, particularly if they are still in Replay. [/b]

Treasure, I understand the need to understand. I am working on letting go of that need as it really does hinder my forward motion. And I don't believe it is possible for us to understand behavior we would not ever engage in. I practiced criminal law defense for 4 years and though I knew some patterns (client wants a stereo that his neighbor has so client steals it. I "understood" it but only in abstract terms and while knowing my client was a sociopath.)

I do not believe I will ever understand my h's choices and I don't want to keep wondering . The only way to understand it is to project my values onto him but if he shared mine, we would not be here so it's a circular and giant waste of time for me.


And It often feels like I'm still giving h my power.

I believed in the term "MLC" it 10+ years ago b/c I saw it as new conduct from h and I could not grasp his behavior any other way.
Some behaviors like not paying bills on time, were new. But -
Now that I'm here again, I have to wonder

1) if "MLC" ever applied

and 2) if it matters.

BTW, I never understood "replay" as a term. Another round of abusive behavior?

What would motivate them to stop? Their risky gamble didn't pay off (for them, i mean.) They don't want to look bad, and somehow missed the connection between their behavior and results.

But oops, they created a lot of wreckage they do not want to see. And IF they see the damage and IF they tell us, it's likely to be in a way that seeks our compassion for them, not their giving compassion to us. Like self pity about what "happened" to them, and what THEY have lost...


My x BIL pulled that on my older sister. My older sister is probably the kindest woman I have ever known, she's attractive and nurturing (a nurse of course) and utterly loyal. The x BIL was a selfish fool. And when he had his awakening, it was when my sister was remarrying. Nice timing. He gave a short but direct apology to her and said he "gets it" and that he F--- up. But notice that he did not say he was so very sorry for hurting HER and the KIDS...no it was about the great catch she was -whom HE LOST...

She was sad FOR him (!) and for their kids. But she thanked him for letting her know and then she remarried her new h later than month. Her ex also got engaged and remarried too...

Speaking just for me, I now see that it was vitally important to call my h's first episode as a MLC b/c a few things fit and b/c I wanted to preserve my m and family,

And I now see another reason ---which is b/c the thought that I had married a selfish man with charm & intelligence, who would lie to avoid any consequences, was too devastating to me.

I definitely mistook h's strong work ethic and intelligence, for character. The cruelty is a disappointment but I'm trying not to let anything surprise me again.

But in the short-term, and in a L process, it doesn't matter - we just have to deal with the current persona. It's extraordinary how destructive and self-centred they are.

Hugs from the UK x [/quote]

It sure seems extraordinary. The frightening thing is maybe its not.

I have long assumed h will eventually renew contact with the kids. I have long assumed it is just a matter of time.

But the idea that h has removed and replaced our family permanently, is not unbelievable now. Not sure where the he11 his dad and wife are as far as our kids. I get that they detest awkward social situations and are not the reaching out types. But our kids are FIL's ONLY grandkids...WTF?

Anyhow,

If recent history is predictive, then H won't reach out to the kids if he fears rejection, (which is a reasonable expectation, considering)

And those fears will just increase with time b/c the longer he goes without reaching out, the harder and less likely it'll be. Somehow on H's scorecard, which he clearly must have, and in his distorted narrative, I and or we as a family, are way behind h the hero.

In h's narrative, he is the hero and I am the villain. No way I can change that.

Don't know h anymore. Accepting I will never know. Working on not caring.