25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Hi all

thanks for checking in on me, I appreciate it a lot.

[quote=kml]The only blessing about your H being so horrible during the divorce process is that it will cure you of any lingering desire to reconcile. I'm actually grateful that my ex was such a jerk. It finally allowed me to let go, and I wouldn't have him back for any sum of money.

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I think this^^ is really true. I don't think I'm merely consoling myself saying it.

I had a dream that h and I were driving somewhere (& we had reconciled I think). So I dropped him off somewhere and he was very nice getting out of the car. I think we kissed goodbye and then we waved bye.

Then when I began to drive, I got really furiously mad at him all over again. Not in a "present" way but in the dream it was just me thinking about the past.

Weird, eh? Okay I'm not proposing some new brilliant insight, okay? I mean this is not a mystery but still, I want to say what I think out loud.

I think it's my subconscious saying "hey 25, this really is over. It has to be over, No matter what." because some things cannot be forgotten or unknown, even when we want them to be.

I have changed...and I cannot be around someone for whom I periodically feel physically sick with fury, betrayal & disgust.

I wonder about us ever becoming friends or even cordial. Honestly folks, how do you do that? For my kids sake, I would want that. But how do you overlook this amount of - for lack of a better word, "treachery"?

For my kids and for me & my own health, I would like NOT to feel this anger. When I imagine my life as I want it to be, including full detachment, I imagine feeling pity for h.

Maybe pity for them is a mark of detachment ---- if it doesn't manifest as co-dependence on my end.