I remember when D9 entered kindergarten I tried to sign her up for girl scouts. I emailed the person in charge, she never got back to me. Getting her into girls scouts was almost impossible. It never happened. It probably would have been the best thing for both of us. You are right, mom friends are important and its like dating! The good news is I made a few more when I chaperoned the 8th grade dance. I met some new ones so atleast I have some moms to talk to at these games, it's getting better.
As far as the other kid..... I know I could love someone elses kid as my own. Absolutely. I have. And I have also considered adoption and fostering. But I simply cannot afford it. Financially it is something I cannot handle. Unless I have another income coming into this household, I couldn't do it. But I have really honestly considered it.
D9 wants a brother real bad, haha. She would love for me to have another kid. ANd she would make the best sister. But if I could even manage to get a dog in here, things would be better.
Journaling, Yesterday was a day of cheer for D9. We did pics in the morning and game at night. It was an away game and where we sat was the longest walk on grass, but I made it! I sat with D9's best friends parents and another mom and then ex comes on over with OWW's and her parents! I didn't know they would be attending. They are very kind to me and I am very kind back. They respect me as D9's mom and they love her like a grandchild. OWW was telling me how D9 is growing up and now goes to her bedroom and closes to door to get ready when dad is around and asked OWW how to put her bra on.
After the game, we were all by my car with OWW's family. ex calls his MIL "ma" and for some reason it stings me. His FIL put my chair in the car for me (even though I am capable) and I kissed and hugged my D9 and watched them all drive off with my baby as I went home alone. I sat in the car and just burst into tears. Actually, I shed them as I type now. I didn't expect the tear and on the way home I did what helps me. I stopped at Marshall's and went shopping. Unfortunatey where exercise used to soothe me, I now have shopping, eating and drinking, haha. So I bought myself a new wallet and a nice warm sweathshirt jacket for the games then I stopped at Smashburger because I hadn't eaten all day.
I get commended for how I handle this situation. I will be honest, it is so hard, and so painful for me at times. I do it for my little girl and because harboring animosity would only hurt me, not them. I want them to see I was someone who did not deserve what I got. That whatever was said about our marriage or the person I am is not true. Because to accept what their daughter did and to accept this man as a SIL, I am sure some horrible things were said about me to make this all ok. And I am not that person. And I just want my little girl to be happy and loved. And she is. Parents say they would do anything for their kids and this is truly a test of that saying. Throwing myself in front of a car would be easy to save her life. Giving her a kidney would be a piece of cake. This however has been anything I imagined giving my child to ensure her well being and happiness.
And every day I still go home alone. I still soothe myself, even if not the healthiest ways. I would just like someone to be there for me to hug when the pain gets bad. No one knows this about me at all. In this situation I feel isolated. I have friends who will say "it's good that OWW is good to her" Of course it is. But the degree of difficulty that comes with this I do not think could be understood unless one had to experience it. My BFF has kind of been MIA lately, and I really have been kind of alone in my thoughts. My next closest person is my dad and I can't share this stuff with him, because he basically tries to talk me out of feeling as I do because he doesn't want his daughter to feel pain. I know he is extremely proud of how I have come out on top despite all the adversity. I know he talks of me often with his friends. It means a lot.
On another note, my ex's cousin died of an OD yesterday. Very sad, he was in his early 30's with a wife and 3 year old. I saw him a few years back at a bookstore and he seemed like he was doing really well. I do find it interesting ex told me immediately after he found out. I know this as a fact because We were just on the phone discussing the bday cake he got D9 for today. less than an hour later he tells me. All his major news in his life, I am still one of the immediate people he tells. I am sure his wife first, but then usually me. I am going to be connected to him, his wife and the whole family in some form for the rest of my life.
Could that have been anymore long winded? If anyone actually made it to the end, I commend you, lol. I just needed to journal.
