ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 3

[Coconut]

I don't have time to post much, but I wanted to hit on a point you made that is VERY significant.. That he works with OW.

Any chance of that changing in the very near future? Personally it would be a deal breaker for me, but it definitely presents extra challenges if it continues if you do decide to move forward.

Whatever you decide to do moving forward, I would suggest you really take your time to decide, don't be in a hurry to commit to him, really work through it on your own for now, he will wait if he means it.

[TBSakaJ9]

I know I wouldn't be able to do it either. If my W told me her OM taught at the same school she did I would tell her she needed to transfer or us wouldn't happen. I would always be wondering if they were sneaking off into the broom closet

[Maika]

My W, in a few weeks after BD, went out on a coffee date with a coworker who is also separated. Nothing came of it and nothing seems to be going on - as far as I can tell.

If something did, most definitely a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't consider even for a second a recon with W if she was still working in the same place. It will be tough for her to switch jobs right now, and for the next few years, for a number of reasons - but I wouldn't give a $hit about all those reasons.

It would be simple - as long as she's in the same workplace, Imma be out of the picture. there would be no negotiation.

[SJW]

Hi Treasur

I got the OWstan from you my darling a hilarious analogy.

We are both severely battered and I agree with you that I also need to seek IC which I will do as a priority when the kids are at school next week. I suppose I've been lucky in that I have a fantastic support network of friends around me and this place, he has had nobody, although he has opened up to one of our friends since he's been back. I feel having someone neutral and experienced is necessary for both of us.

SJ x

[Treasur]

Oooh, clever funny me - I'd forgotten about OWstan. Think my STBXH splits his time between OWstan at weekends and MeMeStan during the week!

So looking forward to meeting you f2f x

[SJW]

Thanks everyone for stopping by.

I completely get the concern about H still working with OW and ideally I would prefer he didn't however I do absolutely completely believe him that he is done with her. Each day his comments become more damning of her and himself for being sucked in and making such horrific decisions that affected me, the kids and everyone else in his life so badly. He has also spoken in depth to one of our friends and she also believes that he will never go there. The other difficulty is he can ask for a transfer but ironically he took this posting to be nearer to home in his final posting before leaving the army, it was so he could spend more time at home rather than just weekends if he wasn't working. If he requests a transfer he could be sent anywhere including on tour for 4-6 months. There are times when I think the tour option would be great but then in reality what would it achieve, another 4-6 months of our kids not seeing their Daddy and I wholeheartedly believe that they need to see as much of him as possible right now after what has happened. He needs to build his bridges with them as although me and the kids talk a lot and very openly (in an age appropriate way of course) they don't find it as easy to talk to him and I want him to work on this for them and himself.

He has a parade tomorrow which he has invited us to and then he goes away for 10 days. My DO has already asked if OW will be going but she isn't and I also told her she didn't need to worry about that.

We have discussed at length where we are currently at and what we would both like going forward but have also both agreed that we cannot just jump back into routine as if nothings happened. We both want the M but a better M so I feel a little less all over the place but that's today.

I need to continue to work on me and the kids and next week once they're back at school find myself IC and start deciding what I am going to do for a job.

[SJW]

Hi Blu

I think reading your thread would really help me. Where can I find it?

Thanks for the advice.

SJ x

[Treasur]

SJW/Citygrl - still ok for the 15th?

[Citygrl]

SJW. Hope you can make London! Know you have your hands full and small children but would be great to meet you as well as anyone else reading.

[SJW]

Sorry for disappearing but very suddenly and devastatingly my Dad passed away on 4th September. As you can imagine all thoughts have been occupied with this and I have been travelling backwards and forwards to Manchester to be with my Mum and brother and make arrangements.

I will endeavour to make Friday and up to now should be OK but it's hour by hour at the moment. I'm back up to Manchester tonight until tomorrow night possibly Thursday morning.

H has been fantastic immediately took a weeks compassionate leave from exercise and has been very supportive. Our sitch is on hold for now, we are friends and parents first and foremost. He has his first IC appointment tomorrow evening, I haven't arranged mine yet but I know I need to.

SJ