Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[25yearsmlc]

I get it, I really do. But once she's out of the house parts of this will probably get easier.

Easier? Can you explain what you mean by this?


I swear I'd be delighted with this arrangement if I were you. So many good men lose valuable time with their kids and feelings of alienation grow and fester...you have it thrown to you!

you and the kids will come up with a routine, you will find avenues to connect with them more, and the walking on egg shells whenever your w is around, will plummet. You will, overall, have more peace inside. And then you'll start to GAL more and detach and then


TA DA!! Your life will be easier. As for your w, who knows? Not your sandbox now...

[Quote]No more "you seem conflicted/confused."

OK. I'd rather drop the R discussions for a while entirely. Among other things, my IC suggested seeing her with me just once to explore the conflicted-ness, so I can better understand and manage what's potentially ahead. But that would take some time to set up.


I hate to disagree with an IC - so take my comment with a big fat grain of salt.

IMO, you will never ever understand what your w feels, or be able to relate to it. You are projecting your values and beliefs onto her, but if she shared those now, you would not be here.

But let's say your wife somehow comes and decides to be open (and not just tell you off for forcing her to come and speak)

let us say she will share her feelings with you AND let us say they're clear (highly doubtful)

but see, her feelings change weekly or more often, and they are very mixed, so if she came

and if it were clear

AND if she shared it with you

AND if it remained permanent, there's a huge chance you would Not like her answers

Plus you will force her to articulate and cement in her mind, the confusion she has

and which - thanks to your effort "to understand" - is only to be solved by her "Deciding!" And that won't go your way, imo.

Here are some words from Jack3Beans, a great DB man, who died at far too young an age (RIP)

---I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should they?

In many cases the MLC/WAS answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.



Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and constant wondering is constant suffering.

-Caroline Myss

[JDub]

But let's say your wife somehow comes and decides to be open (and not just tell you off for forcing her to come and speak)

She'll come for sure...and one possible outcome might be exactly as you described it. Would be a risk.

This would not be a joint counseling session or a backdoor into MC. That's a nonstarter right now for both of us. My IC knows our former MC, and also knows that W has some things that could be addressed through EMDR (has worked wonders for me). W has a stack of books on her nightstand about neurofeedback and really wants to understand how the brain works, likely because hers is a little wonky. W is really looking for peace but hasn't been able to find it in meds, kids, marriage, books, etc. I feel badly for her even though I know there's only so much I can do...I take care of me, she has to decide to take care of herself. Or not.

This conversation is soooo incredibly helpful.

[JDub]

Ya know, it's really hard to GAL when the kids love to hang out, and the W still wants to do things together. It's almost like we're a family.

This morning, W was cold and snuggled up to me and put her head on my shoulder. This hasn't happened in ages. Everything looks fine on the surface.

I'm wondering if I just back off the pressure, put R talks on hold for a bit, focus on work and upcoming travel - and focus on improving me - maybe we can settle in to a new normal?

[joejoe1]

JDub,

Is a new normal really what you want? Or do you want a healthy R. I know it feels good for the moment. But it won't last. You have to get that foundation laid first. Don't short change yourself or this R.

[JDub]

JoeJoe - I want a new normal, but I want the "normal" to equal "healthy" for sure. If we can turn down the anxiety level, we get along great, and positive interactions seem to help alleviate the urgency for her to do something quickly.

I do not like living on needles and pins not knowing where W's head is at. It's maddening.

Regardless, I do plan to keep doing more to make me a stronger, more independent person as that's just smart.

BTW If anyone is in Florida with Irma coming, stay safe.

[joejoe1]

You have to be the evaluator of your situation. I will only provide advice on what you post to the blog.

Sounds like you have a plan. Stick to it. Keep up the good work.

[JDub]

Confirmed 2 new things today:

1) W has a BFF (female) from college, also going through a tough time in her own M, giving my W "advice"...none of which is going to be particularly helpful to driving a positive outcome

2) W's "therapist" is also helping her get set up for a D. "Therapist" is more of a divorce coach than someone who can help. "Therapist" is also encouraging W to move out, which legally would be really dumb.

W is still conflicted, that part I know, but with friends like these, it's hard to see the success cocktail here.

And it's my birthday. Was hoping to chill just a bit.

[Nrthman]

Gal for bday.

When it comes to the outside "help" it never is a good thing. Just prove them wrong by your actions and the changes your making for yourself.

The w can't discredit what she sees. She may not acknowledge it but she is seeing the changes.

[JDub]

The w can't discredit what she sees. She may not acknowledge it but she is seeing the changes.

I think I agree, she can see and hear changes, and she is. I just don't know if it's getting through.

I'm starting to wonder if it may not matter, though. After reading a bunch of posts on here...if I'm protecting her from having/owning a loss, I'm just postponing the inevitable, and that makes me really sad.

I do (finally) believe that while we're together, there isn't OM, and I don't want to drive her to that.

I so wish she'd do IC work to process the stuff she's been dealing with over the past couple of years, with her mom, dad, meds, etc. If we're going to be having D discussions, I'd so much rather it be with a clear head, but some things are out of my control.

[lcause]

Here are some words from Jack3Beans, a great DB man, who died at far too young an age (RIP)

---I hope the LBS realizes that many of the 'why' questions they absolutely think they have to have an answer too...they really do not. Everyone dies with unanswered questions, but that doesn't prevent us from living. Why should they?

In many cases the MLC/WAS answers are NOT good enough for the LBS anyway, so they keep digging, and damage any repairs that have been made.

Stop asking.

This is a really good advice for everyone. I did exactly this and my XW went from "there's a possibility of us finding each other again in the future" to "it's definitely not possible, I ran so far because of the clingy attitude and questions". Gladly I'm not interested in recon anymore but if I was, I would have effectively burned my bridges entirely with this attitude. So, for all LBSs: just follow the rules, detach, GAL and you have the best chance to recon.