Yes, this 'new' H is a good alien. I am sort of amazed that he is coming back around. You know, they say that when they come out of the MLC tunnel that they are forever changed, and in my H's case it appears that he has changed.
It's bitter sweet really because when he stepped off the edge of the earth and fell into the chasm of MLC he became such a 'dark' and 'unloveable' man while he was off 'finding himself' doing and saying hurtful things. But I look at him today through all these months of his evolution and see a completely different man.
I remember how I use to pray that he'd come back, and while praying that he would I'd have these nagging thoughts about what I was really losing. I often thought about the narcissist he'd become, and admitted to myself time and time again, that he wasn't such a prize and wondered why having him back in my life could possibly be so important to me.
I would ask myself, why would I want this selfish, self absorbed man back in my life. Why should/do I miss a man that shared only a small part of himself and his life with me?
But, despite my reservations I plodded along.
I worried about 'who' or 'what' I'd be getting back if he did return and if that 'new' him would be just, or more, unbearable then he was before, during and immediately after his A.
It is amazing that as he comes through the final stages of his metamorphisis that he actually is a better, more decent, more considerate and aware man, than he has been in over 20 yers. It's as if this self created hell of his has shaken his world to it's base and he has grabbed onto to the reality that there are no 'quick fixes' for personal pain and there isn't a cure for it outside yourself.
I'm looking at a man who broke himself down to his core and is now struggling to find his center and is discovering that all he ever really needed to be happy was to choose to be happy, right here with what was always there in front of him.
The contentment and peace I see in him has not been there for more years than I care to remember. He's happy, he's in love with me and maybe for the first time in all our years together he finally believes and feels safe to be loved and to love me and his sons just as we are. T2
WOW! T2 you scare me, LMAO. And where is the woman I use to know who I had to hit with a 2x4?! You have come a long way too!
Quote:
I remember how I use to pray that he'd come back, and while praying that he would. I'd have these nagging thoughts about what I was really losing. I often thought about the narcissist he'd become, and admitted to myself time and time again, that he wasn't such a prize and wondered why having him back in my life could possibly be so important to me.
I would ask myself, why would I want this selfish, self absorbed man back in my life. Why should/do I miss a man that shared only a small part of himself and his life with me?
I have asked myself this many times lately; why do I still hang on to the thread of hope that someday this "man" will come through this a better person. But, in my case, I will not be the one to reap the benefits! By the time my "slow" H makes it through this, will I even care? Or will I be the one he turns to? Or will someone else be the benefactor? I guess it would be nice to be friends, but I don't think we will be "allowed" to be friends.
You are one of the lucky ones! You both came through this and are better people, changing in ways that will bring you both the happiness you deserve. And the new knowledge that will help you move through the rest of your lives together; as partners!
I'm SO glad you both "get it"! I'm so happy you two have this chance to build a better R and reap the rewards!
In some ways our H's are similar--my H is and has been a ME kind of guy. My H is an alcoholic--not recovering at this point. To be honest, H's drinking has slowed down in the last few months, considerably!! And to hear that your H is making the shift gives me faith that my H can make that shift. That is why I'm holding onto him, our R, why I keep plugging away day after day, with the kind of patience I never knew I had!
I'm coming to realize and TO BELIEVE, that I am important, MY needs are important and that my H will at some point have to show me that he can meet MY needs.
I am just so darn happy for you T2, YOU'VE come so far!!
No labels...but then again I ALWAYS KNOW when there's a towel unaccounted for. And as for cereal boxes? What are they? Are they the paper packages that the cereal is in BEFORE they get poured into the stale proof, see-thru containers? LOL T2
Hey T2, Don't believe we've ever chatted directly but you have been my SHERO on the bb for the longest time. Love your advice to everyone and read and re-read your threads from time to time. But I guess that doesn't make me unique. Everyone sings your praises.
Here's my concern. As you describe the tremendous ambivalence you felt while db'ing through your separation many of us can truly identify with your thoughts and feelings. The questions of, why am I doing this? and Is he worth it? they just seem to surface constantly.
Another variation that I am getting from my therapist and my own inner thoughts is this:I have worked SO hard and am really changing and growing through therapy and db, etc. How is it possible that a WAH come back having done NOTHING to change who HE is?
Has your husband shared with you any of HIS thought progressions? Did he also have resources that he made use of that helped him become the H you see today?
Or is it TRULY possible for just one person to make the changes necessary that rebuild and restore the joy in your R?
Quote: is it TRULY possible for just one person to make the changes necessary that rebuild and restore the joy in your R?
and I would have to answer yes AND no.
My 1st bomb dropped in June of 2002...and it wasn't REALLY until after this New Year that all the rhetoric my H spewed started to become REAL, instead of just lip-service.
So yes, MY changing the parameters of my R with him and MY changing ME to a better, more independant and stronger person emotionally, IS without a doubt what kept him on the hook.
We zigged and zagged, went back and forth, and it's only in the past FEW months that he's become consistently, a better H and a better man in general.
I am actually watching him change right before my very eyes and if ANYONE had told me (and they sure as hell tried) that if I stuck to MY accomplishing my own goals and took my eyes off my H, that things would change for the better for ME and maybe for my R and H too, I wouldn't and didn't want to believe it.
Well, low and behold, it's true. And now, my H is finishing what I started. I am sincere when I say that after 20+ yrs of M, THIS TIME, I think, we're gonna get it right!
T2
