Another thought regarding: "The girls do not want us there(the house) together...that's not an option "
I've never told WW that she is not welcome in the house. I've made it clear that she is welcome in the house anytime she wants. Just that I'm not the one who wants the S/D therefore I'm not leaving the house.
I also don't think that the adults should let the kids dictate the terms of a relationship.
Your W is trying to leverage the kids against you. She's starting to see she can't talk you out of the house, so now she's trying to guilt you out by using the girls against you. Don't buy into it. If she pushes again, just politely but firmly reiterate that you are not leaving, that is simply not an option on the table. Don't drag the girls into that, they need to be insulated from the conflicts between you and W as much as possible.
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I'm trying to model restraint and calm now after I joined this site. I haven't had or initiated any P/A texts with WW since I first posted. This week I've really only initiated contact regarding DD's or financial matters.
Perfect!
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I've already told her I'm not leaving...now if I capitulate I'm sacrificing my convictions and beliefs just to keep the peace and that will cause me to lose respect for myself which in turn will cause her to lose even more respect for me.
I hope you haven't misunderstood what anyone has been telling you here, when I read through the comments we're all telling you to stay in the house. I agree that she would lose respect for you if you left with your tail between your legs at this point, but worse than that- YOU would lose respect for YOURSELF. That's really what this is about.
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I realize that if she files I can't stop the divorce. What I'm trying to convey is that I'm not going to voluntarily help end the marriage and break apart the family.
DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU NEED TO KEEP TELLING HER THIS???? She knows man, just let it go! You do not need to "convey" this at all, you need to start conveying that you SUPPORT her even if that leads to D. Quit fighting her at every turn and go with her. You can't stop the divorce but guess what, if you quit fighting her about it she may quit pursuing it. It happens a lot. My W kept hammering away about the D and finally I told her that if that was what she wanted then I was OK with it. She knew it wasn't what I wanted, but she also knew I was no longer going to do anything to stop it. She quit talking about it after that. I was the one that eventually pushed it through a year later, mainly for legal reasons tied to a business partnership agreement.
Originally Posted By: Kaizen
I dont believe that divorce is the solution to our problems, but I love and respect you enough to move forward with it if you so choose.[/i]
Think about how those words are different from saying: - Divorce isnt the solution to our problems - I dont do divorce
My IC agreed that she is trying to leverage DD's against me. Whenever WW would talk about not wanting to uproot DD's and move out of this house my immediate feeling was it's more about WW and not DD's. I did always keep that to myself though.
I have stopped reminding WW I don't want to divorce. That may very well change at a future date because I don't think she has really thought this through. Therefore I think I'm the one who will have to actually start the process.
So, what do you think "properly leading" a family means? Also, Are you guys regular church goers?
I apologize in advance for the following stream of consciousness
90% of the time I would always wait for WW to initiate activities. I was always the happy go lucky "ask your mother" type whenever my DD's asked for something. I let our finances get out of control with debt. I was never a strong disciplinarian not that that defines a man or masculinity. WW's first answer to anything the DD's asked for was usually no therefore I was the peacekeeper whenever things spun out of control.
I would however always have WW's back if we didn't agree on the answer when DD's asked for something or wanted to do something.
Over the last couple of years, DD's would always come to me to ask if they could do xyz.
I'm not really sure what properly leading is though. My Dad wasn't around do to the nature of his work so I didn't have that traditional male role model growing up. Do I think that properly leading is "it's my way or the highway" absolutely not. I strive to be voice of calm and reason in the family.
WW was raised Catholic but not regular church going. In 2006/2007 I went through RCIA and became a confirmed Catholic. I wanted to give back to the church so I became a Eucharistic Minister(Body of Christ or Blood of Christ) which was an every other week commitment. DD's were baptized a few months later and then we started to attend regularly. Probably a year or so later, WW became upset with my biweekly commitment for Eucharistic Minister. I dropped out and tried to attend as much as I could after that. WW and DD's stopped going to Mass around that time. In 2010 during EA #1, WW said "Church was something from my childhood and you ruined it for me" or something to that effect. Basically "I can't go to church because of you and I have no desire to ever go back".
I'm slowly getting back to attending Mass regularly.
Journaling -
Went to an inaugural Surviving Divorce MeetUp last night(Friday 9/8). 8 of us showed up which I think is a great turnout. We went around the table and each of us told our story. Of the 7 that spoke, 5 involved infidelity both emotional and physical. Getting out on Friday night and socializing with others going through S/D felt GREAT! We're already planning the next event!
Text from WW yesterday afternoon:
WW: Whats the Hulu password WW: and email Of course I didn't immediately respond
Few minutes later WW: Never mind
The remainder of the today(Saturday) is cleaning house for my Mom's 80th birthday celebration tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning I have a coed softball MeetUp...my first time attending this MeetUp! Been wanting to get back into some kind of organized sport for a while!
I'm not at all Ok with her tone and I really had no intention of answering. If I'm NC with her, should I have responded with "I don't appreciate that tone". Or How should I respond next time it happens?
She has taken that tone with me quite frequently over the last year or so especially when she's been drinking.
We had the following exchange the other day:
Me: Why did D15 need to get out of school early today. WW: (In a you idiot tone) Because D17 is her ride home Me: You know your answer didn't call for that tone
Celebrated my Mom's birthday yesterday and WW was there. Stayed out of each others way for the most part. I was calm, confident, pleasant and engaging with my family and WW. Felt good because this was the first time in 27 years that I planned and executed everything for my Mom's BDay...usually WW took care of getting the present and organizing the get together. This year I organized the get together, bought the food, picked out the present, got flowers, made the cake, and cooked dinner.
As WW was leaving she came over and gave me a full hug for a good 20-30 seconds. Not reading into it but the last few times she has tried the one armed "friend" hug. I closed and locked the front door behind her...normally I would've followed her out(pursuing) and said goodbye at the car!
Today as we're working out the logistics for tomorrows family therapy, WW texts: WW: Thank you for last night...it was a nice time. Me: It was nice I think my Mom enjoyed herself WW: Definitely
Then I switched the convo back to goals and logistics for family therapy.
WW: I'd like to discuss living arrangements Me: You know my feelings on living arrangements
I think my Mom enjoyed herself