Grace in your heart...

[Treasur]

Yup, there you go...a gulp moment.
H was supposed to email me a draft 'to do' list re house sale and his new proposal on financial stuff today. (Actually, a week ago but..hey ho, MLC right?) Bear in mind that he filed in Jan and then avoided the process completely until June...but really wants to 'move on' with the D...

He sent a word doc with 8 items on it..and no financial stuff. Email exchange as follows

Me: Thank you. Will you send over the financial stuff before we talk too?

H: I thought it would be easier to talk about that tomorrow. Make it more collaborative.

Me: Collaborative might be a stretch as I never wanted any of this, but see it more as dealing with a ridiculous crazy mess!I’d prefer it if you did as you said you would and sent over your thoughts this evening. That will give me time to think too. Doesn’t need to be a letter, bullet points are fine.

I’ll drop the non-financial stuff into a spreadsheet and add anything missing, and send it over to you by lunchtime tomorrow so we can work off the same list. Hope that will be helpful.

Good thing about where I am now is that I don't really care what he thinks because I'm no longer trying to save our M. So I can be as blunt or me-ish as I want, which is much more relaxing.

Bad thing is I still had one of those 'catch your breath' moments that we all get when your heart just gulps at the reality of it. I know some of you know what this feels like.

Good thing is that I know logically that disconnecting myself financially and practically from the hot mess of my STBXH is necessary.

Bad thing is that it needs courage and I'm so tired of being brave. It is really painful to know that I will be talking to MLC-H about disentangling 20 years of our life 2 days before our 14th wedding anniversary. Really bad thing is knowing that my original H would have found this as horrific as I do but my MLC-H doesn't care and probably doesn't even remember that it's our anniversary soon.

Good thing is that my head is in charge right now and I can do this because the logic is SO loud and clear.

To be honest, in the very unlikely event that he comes out of the fog ever/before he dashes into marrying OW, it's necessary to protect some resources to rebuild with because he is a whisker from bankruptcy! If not, it's a platform for me to build on alone. I'm not even sure how you ream through tens of thousands of pounds in a year and build up huge cc debt when you're living rent and bill free in two houses courtesy of an aunt and OW at weekends...drugs, OW, expensive psychiatrist, nice holidays, who knows?

I keep saying to myself that each action is one less thing to do again. But I'm a bit exasperated with myself that it still hurts and feels so shocking. I suppose that getting divorced from my beloved H is the price I pay for freedom from MLC-H who is a lying, unfaithful, irresponsible, destructive man-child. I just wish I didn't feel so sad about also losing hope in seeing my honest, loyal, loving H ever again too. I almost wish my quiet reflections had led me to believe that my H was truly a rotten person and we had a lousy M before this crisis...but he wasn't and it wasn't.

Know it's the best I can do. Know it's wise. Know that it's necessary. Just hate feeling sad and that I'm the only one who feels it.