Picking up Her MESS

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=J1978]Thank you 25yearsmlc,

God knows I have tried am in Illinois the child custody change this year it's very weird, we where not legal married we had domestic partnership I don't have access to any of her VA I was never in Military. I am trying my best.

Illinois recognizes domestic partnerships if it's official one. If you adopted these kids (I don't recall if they are biological or adopted) then I would think that qualifies as a domestic partnership but I'm not sure. I know that the laws surrounding domestic partnerships can be confusing but there are family law attorneys in the Chicago area who specialize in LGBT family law. At least call.


I have been reading everything a mlc do she has threatened me so many times I lost track...

Do not get bogged down in the MLC term or WAS terms. Researching that instead of researching what YOU need to do, is a mistake.

Keep the focus on YOUR PATH, not hers. I'm telling you that for 2 reasons. First, it protects you and second, it increases your appeal to her anyhow.

Understand that The course of action for you is the same either way. You must protect your financial interests and the children, and be as strong as you can in front of her. Trying to guilt her or acting upset or mopey in front of her, is the last thing that will get her to second guess herself. Trust us on this.

The more you challenge her choices the more she will feel forced to defend her choices.

Talk to Child Protective services about Not splitting up the kids. I thnk You can fight that more than a property dispute without having to hire a pricey lawyer b/c of the children.

ike with lawyer 2 weeks ago and then 3 days after the threat called crying. Am myself don't know whats real i have taken everything out my name we have no ties together

I'm not clear on what you mean by this^^^. Are debts in your name or money or what?


Also, is English your second language? I only ask b/c I want to know if you have family near you?


when she started acting strange i read and Google it and seen all signs and quickly removed everything but it was to late on bank account. I guess physical money is different.

You mean she took all the cash? You can argue that half is yours and you are legally correct IF you are in a domestic partnership but that's not the same as getting it back. Do not give up there, but do not share ANYMORE cash with her and get her off any other accounts. And do not borrow money you don't need. And prepare to get child support FROM HER...

I have ask and called and spoken to lawyer's am now waiting for legal paralegal call me because they are my last hope.

There is no such thing as "last hope", okay? You will feel better. This will pass. You have to be the rock for your kids.

Am doing everything in my power even got gets going to therapy in next 2 weeks. Is just crazy I dont see how you take one child but but not the other two. And act like nothing.

You are trying to make sense of your life being turned upside down. I understand that quite well. It may be a waste of time however. She does not share your values right now and she may not, ever.

Let's face it, WE would not do what our spouses are doing so it's very confusing and painful. And I think we make it worse when we keep spinning and wondering WHY they are doing this. Speaking for myself, it's been a colossal waste of time

and yet, I often slide back into that rut. I work hard to reframe the experience and I pray a lot.

If you also do that, here are 2 mantra/prayers that help me.

One is to turn your relationship AND pain, over to God (or the universe or source or whatever term you have for a higher power). Think it, say it and hear yourself saying it and it begins to sink in, and calm you. I used to do that prayer a LOT in the shower so the kids did not think I was nuts.

And it calmed me before I'd see or speak with h.

Second, I'd use this one:

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and **constant wondering is constant suffering.

-Caroline Myss


I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. This is a very painful traumatic ordeal.




Destroying what took 10yrs to built and trust me she tells me you are so beautiful she ask if am dating everytime... is she freaking nuts 10yrs of marriage i just can't date but i guess because she doing it i should...


that^^^ is reactive dating and it's Not a reason to date.

But being mysterious and acting as if you have had an awakening (and coming to believe it)

b/c you KNOW you will be alright no matter what, YES do so.

Have you seen the 37 "rules" Sandi assembled? They will help guide you in this initial stage.


i wonder if she saw me dating what would she think because her focus is me always why do you care you got what you wanted...


I don't understand who is saying what, to whom? What does she mean you got what you wanted?

Hang in there.

[Kyh]

25 has given you some great advice. Keep working at this and dig deeper for personal strength for you and your kids. They need you to be strong and show them things will be okay. When you're feeling overwhelmed just stop and breathe. This will work out. No judge will separate your kids like your w is trying to do, but you have to keep working to keep them together and minimize the damage.

Be sure to be documenting all this (your efforts to get S back, his and her behavior when seeing you, how he looked) for your records. It is hard to remember when so much is happening and will be important for your case.

Please take care of your kids and yourself, you will get through this!

[marina7]

Journaling,

I lay here and is like a replay in my head, how did I miss all the signs my W was in MLC for 3yrs or 4yrs this is what happen I guess to trigger it and yes why I say what I did because I guess I went through a MLC myself but but never this extreme. Well lets say I guess I never was told.

2013 Pick D9 and S8 from family they where living in let's say drug house
2014 EM affair I guess I thought she didn't love me.
2014 W went to college to be a mortician
2014 W confronted me with EA
2015 Had a grand mal seizures almost died my self.
Late 2015 hurt badly at work

Now that I have time to reflect I see all her signs but slowly pushing me away,going out more,and shopping more but I also can see her fighting it constantly telling me she loves me so much am her life and her kids... so my Big question to anyone are these signs.. And trust me I didn't either sweep them under the rug I remember telling her and hugging her saying sorry and always reminding her how much I love her. And I clearly remember saying to W your pushing me away is even a email so consciously I seen it and felt it. But why wait for the BD day is it like an explosion MLC can't no longer hold it. Because I have own up to my mistake to family and friends I know I did wrong I should have never ran to another women for feelings I zhould have stood my grounds but I am also Human we do mistakes in life as long it doesn't repeat itself then is just a habit.

Do I know I can survive without my wife yes.... but she is truly my soulmate if ya only knew how we met it wasn't meant to be but God intervin and from different states her friend was determined find me. And she did. We honestly balance ourselves which again not perfect but close to perfect.

So big question is the stages are from BD or now when I have time to reflect that it started way before I was myself living in lala land.

Is true what they say when you have time for yourself you have time to reflect in life. What to do with yourself and family and spouse I can say I spiritually grew in 2015 when I most died waking up with a tube down your throat and not remember that last couple month's before accident my thought after that and feelings is very spiritually that life is short and I realized there's a purpose for me because the doctors where shock to see I woke up.

And going through this myself has even woke me up more spiritually and emotionally how we don't have control of what happens but we have control of our actions and how we react I have to say before 2015 the old me would have maybe been in jail for something stupid but I have learn to let go.

"God Is Good"

[25yearsmlc]

Hey there,

is the "EM" an affair you had or that she had? And then she confronted you about it?

How did it get resolved? This might not be a MLC if she felt betrayed or insecure before hand

But it does NOT matter if it's MLC or WAW.

YOUR course of action is the same. Do you get that?

In what ways are you becoming a wife only a fool would leave?

Any GAL yet? Are you back at work now? Do you like your job? How are the kids?

Are they siblings or all adopted from different homes? I'm not clear on that.

Hang in there

[marina7]

Hello 25yearsmlc

My W was a very Loving W and Mom couldn't have ask for better women since her Breakdown or MLC for sure depress W confirmed.

I in 2013 had a EA I am not sure why I did it it happen and not sure how when W confronted me I didn't deny it and was ready to leave my W and kids I felt in love lol but driving one-day it hit me like a slap in my face what was I doing how can I just hurt her that way or my kids. I remember I felt unworthy for hurting her I realized it I went home and W greeted me hug me I cried and said am so sorry and we started piecing ourselves and when I said to W am sorry she'll say I know. Now I know how it hurts but never had a PA as W is I feel EA and PA are two different things W broke something I feel unworthy not pretty enough ect.

Our kids are adopted all three our first s9 is not related to D9 and S8 they are brother and sisters by law I feel blood doesn't make you family.

I myself had spine surgery it was 6hrs long of surgery still recovering haven't work in 8 months since work injury now am healing and couple more surgeries to go.

Now can I ask some questions.
Why do MLC spouses look for new relationships if they can't even handle there own at home or there kids. But can have an affair or ow is mind blowing. I try so hard to understand how can they just walk away and throw everything away.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25yearsmlc

My W was a very Loving W and Mom couldn't have ask for better women since her Breakdown or MLC for sure depress W confirmed.

I in 2013 had a EA I am not sure why I did it it happen and not sure how when W confronted me I didn't deny it and was ready to leave my W and kids I felt in love lol but driving one-day it hit me like a slap in my face what was I doing how can I just hurt her that way or my kids.

okay so this^^ is a bit long of a sentence & it is a little hard for me to understand.

So, Are you saying that you had an EA, and your w guessed it, and then she confronted you? And you did not confess but you did not deny? (how do you feel about that reaction, now?)

You say you don't know why, "it happened", but you did feel remorse. And you expressed remorse, right?

So, if you don't know why you did it, it's important to realize she may not understand why she is.

OR she just feels entitled to have one. "She deserves it!" Maybe it's a revenge affair or maybe more.

I remember I felt unworthy for hurting her I realized it I went home and W greeted me hug me I cried and said am so sorry and we started piecing ourselves and when I said to W am sorry she'll say I know.

When you two were piecing,
Did you guys get individual counseling or couples counseling?

How did you repair the damage? Do you feel that it was resolved, in her eyes?

Now I know how it hurts but never had a PA as W is I feel EA and PA are two different things W broke something I feel unworthy not pretty enough ect.

some people see a big difference between EA's and PAs. Many think the EA's are worse b/c "Love" may be involved, instead of just sex. That EA's share more private things, and that it undermines marriages more than PA.

OTHERS are more upset by PAs and feel that is over a different line.

What matters is that All affairs harm the marriage, and they all damage our self esteem. They all do. I get it. It feels terrible.

Try not to make a distinction for now, b/c it's not a contest and it's probably not very helpful to you now.


Our kids are adopted all three our first s9 is not related to D9 and S8 they are brother and sisters by law I feel blood doesn't make you family.

Yes I see how you feel. If they are all adopted with the same legal formality, I would think the court might see it your way. But who knows? Subconsciously there may be a belief that the biologically related children are not to be split under any circumstances if possible.

I'm not really clear on why your w wants to part them. Are you both listed on the adoption papers, as parents with equal rights? And do you have a formal domestic partnership?


I myself had spine surgery it was 6hrs long of surgery still recovering haven't work in 8 months since work injury now am healing and couple more surgeries to go.

Has your w been the sole breadwinner since then or do you have money coming in?

How much more time will it take to heal? What is projected to be your long term needs and abilities?

Are you disabled? how is your pain level?


Now can I ask some questions.
Why do MLC spouses look for new relationships if they can't even handle there own at home or there kids.

Because they want to be happier or fix what is wrong in their life and it's much easier (at first glance) to change partners than to deal with reality. And when you remember the EA you had, you can see that justifying it in the short run, is not that hard. Plus they tend to think the real problem is the LBS, not them.

Also, asking "how" and "why" -- can waste a lot of energy and time and gets you nowhere. I spent a year of my life asking and asking. I understand the temptation but There are NO "good" answers that will help you feel better. What could she say that would make you slap your forehead and say "OH, I GET IT. It all makes sense now!"

That^^ won't happen and whatever she says anyhow, is either false OR if it is true, can change the next week.
Believe me, I've done enough asking for both of us. Try to stop asking what SHE is doing/planning/feeling and get back on track to caring for yourself and the kids.

Here is a prayer that might help you.


Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and **constant wondering is constant suffering.

-Caroline Myss

But can have an affair or ow is mind blowing. I try so hard to understand how can they just walk away and throw everything away.

I hear you.

But you are projecting YOUR views on her, as if she thinks/feels the same as you, but she does not share those views. IF she did, you would not be here.

I spend time even now, pondering how my h can go months without speaking or seeing our children. But he can.

I will never understand it but you know, we have to accept lots of things in life that we don't understand.

Hang in there.

[25yearsmlc]

How are you doing today J19?

[marina7]

25yearsmlc,

Hello and taking it a day at a time...that's all we can do

I would say the biggest mistake I am learning is that my EA really affected my W I honestly thought we where ok and I push for MC but we never got to it so I can say we swept it under the rug, now that I look back I really broke her W said she felt unworthy but it was Stupid mistake that only God knows I wish I could take back but the damage is done. Since W confronted me of EA I never ever denied I said yes and was so mad at myself because I seen the hurt in W eyes. I have beaten myself for this I will do anything to go in time.

Going to therapy has also open my eyes how an EA is worse sometimes as my therapist explain I didn't know this and I feel horrible and I remember telling W always she deserved better because I felt unworthy. W is the type of person that she doesn't forgive or forget but also her Pride also gets the best of her. I have explain to W why the EA it wasn't because my W isn't beautiful or not attractive it was because she lacks with showing affection with me and kids and even her parents I am realizing this is who she is.

So to finance I was a work alcoholic and put her through school and then we both work very hard but in 2015 I got hurt at work but still went to work in pain but it got worse so lawyer and doctors agree that I couldn't go to work as it was making it worse I was then receieving workers comp pay and W was ok with that in fact W made a comment as you deserve to relax for once because I always work so much and W and I agree we could make it until I heal. So then we where not having finance problem. But now that W took everything and I have no income coming in until workers comp lawyers come to settlement agreement. So I am now in a small home no money living in my cc.

Our children's are adopted legally by Illinois my children birth certificate says both mom names so yes they are siblings. I also don't understand why take only one child but W has stated she can't handle all three her anxiety becomes horrible and is not fair to them but am not sure how fair it is to separate them I guess only she knows until I get the finance to hire a lawyer. Or hoping legal aid will call me it's been 48hrs since they said someone will call you.

As I stated I did all the typical mistake from the beginning the begging and pleading even on my knees but the last 3 weeks I have done 180 keeping it short and even not talking for weeks. I am focusing in healing and getting better and my d9 and s8 is so hard not able to see my S9 and keeping my distance but I also can see this 180 is making her see W lost me W no longer on phone when dropping s9 on Friday and asking me questions while I try to ignore. Yesterday W called saying is 5 pm ok I said yes and hung up. A text was sent from W saying "why are you being short and standoffish with me I thought we where doing better" I didn't respond I then seen W and did our exchange she tried to have a conversation but I said ok we gotta go and left. As I was driving I seen her standing there seeing me drive off.

I really wanted to talk with her and give her a hug goodbye but I am realizing this is over and I need to treat her as an XW.

Going back to your question is this a completion her having OW I have not yet confirm but all signs are there but I think W wants me to feel what it feels to hurt W has brought it up before how it [censored] to hurt or it doesn't feel good right like taunting me. I guess in her teenage mind w wants me to hurt who knows what her thoughts are really are. I guess I will never get that answer how can you tell your Spouse they are your world she loves her family and then 4 days later BD like nothing.

Only God knows what future holds my faith is big in my gut and heart says we not over yet or this was the last hump to see if our relationship will stand stronger than it's ever been.

[Kyh]

Hi J,

Keep hanging in there, things will get better. It sounds like you're doing good w/the 180 but I'd be sure to talk w/her if it involves the kids.

"Our children's are adopted legally by Illinois my children birth certificate says both mom names so yes they are siblings. I also don't understand why take only one child but W has stated she can't handle all three her anxiety becomes horrible and is not fair to them but am not sure how fair it is to separate them I guess only she knows until I get the finance to hire a lawyer. Or hoping legal aid will call me it's been 48hrs since they said someone will call you."

Taking only one child shows she isn't logical or have the kids best interests in mind. This should have never happened, she legally can't just take the kids. My heart breaks for your kids, they need each other. I'm really sorry you're going through this, I've been there. I know you're trying but keep at it, keep calling back about the legal aid. Do you have a 401k you could borrow from? It's usually not a good idea but in this case it's warranted. I was thinking about this and I would think a woman's shelter would be a good point of contact to get a lead on legal help.

I know I sound like a broken record about documenting things but I can't stress how important it was in my case. Be sure to document the days/time you are calling for legal aid. The attorneys/judge will want to know you did everything possible. Try to call your S every night if you're not already. It would also be a good idea to meet w/your kids teachers. You don't have to give details but just let them know what's up. First for your kids wellbeing and second for your case.

Take care:)

[marina7]

Hello 25yearsmlc,
Thank you for asking we are taking it a day at a time, W drop son off for the weekend W surprise me with the call, but when I answer I was shock and very short due to being busy, I received a text quickly from W saying why so short and standofish I didn't reply I honestly ignore it because W taking one child and separating is not right and I have no financial help or working at the moment due to back surgery. I have been doing the 180 but I stand strongly about her separating kids this should have never happen and I am trying my hardest to get legal help.

So Friday W drop off and other two kids with friend while W drop off, W ask why I let the go if I knew W was dropping son my response was this was plan already I could see it bother but didn't show emotions. W goes no contact all weekend not surprise she has gone two without even a text. So today W pickup S9 I could have kept him but I am going to do this the legal way, I could tell W was unemotional W hasn't seen d9 or s8 in two weeks and d9 was hugging W and just a blank stare. Just empty literally maybe 5 minute total my d9 says will mommy ever give me a real hug again. I of course ask what she meant d9 said she hugs me but let's go and says ok ok bye the old mommy gave me big hugs the warm hugs this broke my heart I said for now you get my bear hugs as I tickle her, I wonder my d is only 9 and she could tell that emotionally W has change.

As I stated earlier everyday is a new day and I could have kept s9 but I am going do this the legal way the way I have done everything else. I just wish she could see what she dong I am understanding that she can't handle all 3kids at once but separating them was a no no I just wonder how she going explain this to a judge. I didn't want it to go this far but I need to protect all three as I could see s9 changing behavior because W is the Disney mom doesn't have him in rules and this weekend he got in trouble for being a brat I explain that in our home here we have rules.

Still wishing to wake up from nightmare... Ask away any questions.