Grace in your heart...

[Treasur]

Funny shift a few days ago. I just woke up and felt like myself again...can't explain it but it was nice. Pre-M me was independent, very rational, optimistic and quite tough-minded. My H brought out a softer side of me (which was there but usually hidden) and it was lovely too.

I have no doubts that my M was pretty good and that we really loved each other. Few doubts that my H had a breakdown and is in full MLC roll. I don't doubt that he was a great human being (with flaws like we all have) before this. I don't think this crisis was about me and I do think he has done some rotten things and is unrecognisable from who he was. I also think his life is a chaotic hot mess and I don't think he is happy or healthy from what I know. I love him and I wish we weren't here...

But the original me says that I'm tired of this ridiculous mess. I don't want to fight for my M anymore no matter how much I love him. If he is so f'd up that he can't remember how special we were, or how fab I am, then that is his sad loss. We're due to talk this weekend on the phone to try to get £ stuff sorted out (IF - ha ha - he sends some info over today as he's promised) and 'let's get this nonsense sorted' is going to be my attitude. Never thought I would want a D but, logically, it is the best thing for me now. To cut the ties and walk away from the endless chaos. My H has a MH problem, I've done my best, but I'm no longer prepared to take the damage.

Wedding anniversary next week. My H (even after we're d'd) will always be my beloved H in my heart. I won't remarry even if I have other men in my life. I'm going to the church where we renewed our vows to say goodbye and ask God to help my H heal and find himself again. Can't tell you how much I miss the person he was. Everyone who knew him does.

I'm also thinking that I might apply for the Absolute which I can from 18th Oct. Unlike my H who filed without notice when I told him I was having cancer surgery (seriously, I don't even have a word for the kind of man who would do that), I would email him to let him know just before I did it. It would be a big 180 for me! But feels like it's time to take some pride back, to choose for myself rather than wait for a bit of paper to arrive. Or not. Time to accept that my H is gone and may never be the man I loved again, and to step towards a new future. And let's face it, MLC-H is no prize at all, even as a human being let alone a partner! It has also made me realise that the relationship was always more important to me than being married.

My gut instinct is that D is necessary for him and, strangely, I think he will pop up again in my life next year...but I'm living on the assumption that I won't see him again if that makes sense? I know my H loved me in his bones and if he ever comes out of the fog, he will need to see me and talk to me. He will need closure of some sort. If he doesn't, I can live with that too.

So, I'm feeling fine and quite strong. Which is lovely after 2 years of hell.