I have horrible guilt because I feel like I do not have a fantastic life. My life would suck with my ex still in it but as it is right now, I feel kind of miserable at times and I feel guilty feeling that way. When ex left me I was barely 28. I heard from everyone else "you are so young, you have a chance to start over, get remarried, still have another child". Well, now I am 37 and none of that ever happened and the other child definitely won't and getting remarried is looking pretty bleak. My life is no where near I want it to be. But it's not bad it simply "stable" I guess.
I always thought I was an introvert. I had a small close circle of friends, and I blended in. I was kind of embarrassed growing up of my life. I lived in a small middle class town, and I was the child of a drug addict. I don't think the other parents knew too much of my life, but I guess I was always a little embarrassed. I kept to myself and stayed inside my circle of friends. It was safe. I realize now that I am an extrovert although I need my alone time to recharge. I like to be around those I connect with. I thrive on that.
OWW did not come tonight. It was ex's night but I didn't need her to sleep there anymore, so I kept D9. I brought her best friend to the pep rally tonight and I had a realization. The only school parents I am friends with is D9's BFF's parents. ANd they were there tonight which is why I brought her. Other than that, I never made any "mom" friends. They are all kind of cliquey in my town and their kids have siblings and they all see eachother through other sports. I am friendly with another mom but just basic friendly. I think part of me was always too insecure to become friends with the other parents because of the single parent status. It's not an unusual thing to be a single parent but there wasn't many in my town, and none as young as me. I regret not making more, but it is what it is. I should have been more involved with school stuff, but I didn't know how to make it work.
I have no date prospects right now, absolutely nothing. I haven't since FF and I broke up. It's lonely. I would love a date. Tomorrow night after the game I will go home alone and maybe treat myself to some sushi.
Today I spent too much money getting my hair done. But I needed to feel good about myself. So I got rid of the gray, got some peekaboo highlights and a cut. Tomorrow night for D9's game I am going to maybe even wear some makeup. It's hard to feel pretty dragging around a leg in a huge brace.
On a good note, D9 loves loves loves middle school! She loves school in general which is great. Her teacher is best friends with a high school friend of mine. Then she switches one class and that teacher today asked "are you so and so's daughter?" She recognized her last name and knows ex and his sister. I remembered her when I found out her maiden name. Hopefully she doesn't hold being ex's daughter against her, lol.
My bad season is coming upon me. I do really horrible with the holidays and the fall, while beautiful, depressed me. Joining that gym last year helped lift the depression a little. Having somewhere to go 5 nights a week, seeing those new friends and keeping my body healthy really helped.
