Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[25yearsmlc]

JoeJoe - She has repeatedly denied a PA. I validated what she's told me because she got really tired of hearing me doubt her.

The possible OM lives literally on the other side of the planet, so there are no rendezvous other than skype appointments while she's at work - never on weekends, no lovey chats on her phone - none of the "normal" signs. I think this is some kind of escape for her.

My IC is encouraging me to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

There is risk here that W will bolt, or that I will. Your W admitted a PA, as have seemingly many others on here, but mine is hiding things and keeping secrets, even though I have some circumstantial evidence that points in a direction. Our R may not make it, but I do deserve to know what the truth is.

Haven't you all reached similar crossroads?

I do not recommend telling her about your ONS.

But it's curious to me that you have a double standard. You were able to work it out and choose her.

The 3 things that hit me most are 1) that there is a guy on the other side of the planet who is older.

I wonder if he seems like a relatively safe "fantasy partner" in that the sex is not going to be as much of an issue (probably) and he's FAR away. He's the least likely man in her life to have sex with, correct?

2) her depression. Her mom died and a few months later she gets OFF AD's...when her reserves were at their lowest. My mom passed away year ago in August and it about kbrought me to my knees. A gaping hole in my life. Ugh.

She was Fine one day and gone the next. And she was older, too. I mean, I "should" have expected it, but my Point is, I was pretty darn low and my recall of that time period is way off. Your w was a situational recipe for an emotional misfire.

3) the "sex feels like rape" is both disturbing and dramatic. (Was there abuse in her childhood?) However I relate to the childbirth making some sexual things different. A certain spot is no longer "fun" but it can be worked around.

There are other methods and ways around, and devices to help with this, if you are willing to experiment. (Not Now, obviously).

But if it is painful for her - then I worry less about a PA, plus the mother's death and dad moving into assisted living, and getting off the AD's and the financial stress are a lot.

BTW, I don't think you getting a paycheck as of May is going to feel like all is well to her. Especially if she has felt overly burdened the past year.

It's a security thing for women, unfair or outdated as that may seem.

Underlying our feelings towards our h's is the sense that we are protected, whether from a noise in the night or food on the table. I'm sorry she told you one thing but felt another, possibly b/c there is pressure on all of us to support our spouses dreams - sometimes at great costs.

In retrospect I wish my h had not decided to go to medical school when we had an 8 week old son and I was still in law school. Even though I worried about it, I never really considered saying no. It's as if that would have been selfish of me (oh the irony).

Expand your GAL and back off the R talks.

As for discussing divorce and her wanting one, what is stopping her?

The state grants divorces, not spouses. So the old Dallas show with Joan Collins yelling that she'd "never give her h a divorce!" is not relevant anymore. Only one spouse has to want a divorce to get one.

If she files, you'll be served. As for mixed signals, I think she's confused.

But here's the thing, you don't want a mixed signal confused wife to reconcile with. if she came to you tomorrow and said "Oh, btw, I now want to be m"

you would not trust that. And you'd be right! The only way to reconcile is when the WAS knows they want to and

and you will know if that happens. Plus the sex life issue must be addressed.

I know you dont' want a divorce in your life and your kids', but having a resentment filled sexless marriage modeled for the kids isn't great either.

So put ALL your focus on yourself (and the kids) now.

Be a rock for your kids but GAL asap. Wear some cologne and a few new shirts and get some mystery going. You are busy "going to new places, meeting interesting people and doing Fun things!"

Don't get bogged down in what SHE is doing, get all bogged down in how you will fit all your new GAL in days.

And see an IC, for YOU. Maybe forget the MC for now. She's not invested in the MC now and will use it as a forum to confirm her choices.

As for OM, given your situation I would not put so much energy there. It's distracting you from so many underlying issues in the m that are real, and valid and important.

Hang in there

[JDub]

25yearsmlc - This is a woman's perspective that I really needed, thank you.

the "sex feels like rape" is both disturbing and dramatic. (Was there abuse in her childhood?) However I relate to the childbirth making some sexual things different. A certain spot is no longer "fun" but it can be worked around.

No abuse that I know of from her childhood. She liked sex a lot before kids. She did slowly pull back - don't kiss me there, don't touch there, I don't get a lot of pleasure from sex but you do so I'm good with it, etc. We did experiment with toys that she got a lot of pleasure out of, but she kept feeling badly/ashamed that she didn't have the sensations without the toys.

As for discussing divorce and her wanting one, what is stopping her?

I think she's waiting/wanting for me to do something. It's hard work and she doesn't really like that kind of emotional stress, better to let someone else do it. And, she's conflicted. She's really warm when she's not in blame rage.

I am seeing an IC for me, and the MC fired us...exactly what you said would happen. She kind of manipulated the MC.

This is really great. I appreciate it so much.

[JDub]

Y'all have been so helpful, thank you.

W and I talked last night. Got more clarification about the potential OM. She agreed to introduce us, or bring me into the conversation, as long as its not me asking/accusing "are you and my wife having an A?"

She said that would be terribly embarrassing for her, as he's a professional colleague and it's not romantic. Her self-esteem is bolstered by work, always has been, so in that sense there's emotion, but ultimately this doesn't appear to be what it appears to be. I'm working with my IC on how that conversation will go, but probably won't be for a few weeks. She acknowledged that her hiding things is contributing to my/our anxiety level.

Also working on my action plan for the next few months. Will involve GAL and being an awesome and upbeat dad and person to live with.

As for mixed signals, I think she's confused.

25yearsmlc - She brought up potential D again last night...while making a fancy birthday cake for me. I said to her last night that I think she's conflicted. She said that she is. Felt super close to me after her fender-bender, and hopeless after R talk that I initiated at 2am (the fact that I initiated it at 2am that is). I did promise her that I wouldn't do more late-night anxiety-driven R discussions.

One other thing: in the D part of the discussion, she said that she is considering moving out for a couple of months prior to getting a D. Leaving me with kids. That's not normal W, or even WW behavior, is it? Moms tend to take kids with them, don't they?

[TBSakaJ9]

One other thing: in the D part of the discussion, she said that she is considering moving out for a couple of months prior to getting a D. Leaving me with kids. That's not normal W, or even WW behavior, is it? Moms tend to take kids with them, don't they?

My W moved out and we share the kids 50/50. I don't think it would be fair to you if she left and you had to care for them 100%. IMO if she leaves you need to come up a custody arrangement.

[Holding]

JDub, you should totally let her move out prior to the D. Trust me, an in-house separation is not easy.

As far as her leaving the kids with you, what would be best for them?

[25yearsmlc]

One other thing: in the D part of the discussion, she said that she is considering moving out for a couple of months prior to getting a D. Leaving me with kids. That's not normal W, or even WW behavior, is it? Moms tend to take kids with them, don't they?

My W moved out and we share the kids 50/50. I don't think it would be fair to you if she left and you had to care for them 100%.


With all respect, I disagree fully. Get the kids as much as you can and there are several reasons for that. Legally it helps you. Parentally it helps you. Emotionally it helps you. Financially it helps you as you won't need to pay for a rental. She will

The only dimension that you may worry about is that your w will "be free" and you won't. FINE.

(Only temporary anyhow. And your kids will be sharing with her about your mysterious GAL when she asks..."Oh dad went out with his friends that night...Oh dad has plans this Saturday so...")

She will miss the heck out of the kids and feel guilt that is of her own making, not yours.

She will be lonely. IF she finds OM, she already had him, or would have, and it will be revealed sooner.

And when the custody issues arise, SHE can pay you CS and keep the kids stable.


She will want to arrange time with the kids and you can address those talks, then.





IMO if she leaves you need to come up a custody arrangement.

[JDub]

She will miss the heck out of the kids and feel guilt that is of her own making, not yours. She will be lonely.

And she'll miss the dog too. What you've described is kind of what I'm anticipating if she does leave. There is no local OM, I'd seriously know about it. She doesn't get out much. She has one girlfriend who won't be a real good influence, but that woman has her own life and kid to worry about. She's not a 24/7 companion.

Plus, I want the kids. I'm the more consistent, focused parent anyway. I guess that by being away, she'll avoid seeing their pain and anguish on a day-in, day-out basis, and that would suck for me while she lives in her happy fantasy.

I really don't think she has thought any of this through, and she admits to being conflicted. This is not the mom or person she aspires to be.

[25yearsmlc]

yes I think I get it.

But I would not tell her how she feels even if she agrees. No more "you seem conflicted/confused."

You will eventually corner into a false certainty b/c you hate the uncertainty.

I get it, I really do. But once she's out of the house parts of this will probably get easier.

Make sure you have a grasp on the finances however.

And see a L if you can. She may be giving up some custody rights by leaving the home if abandonment is grounds for divorce in your state.

Hang in there, this too, shall pass

[JDub]

I get it, I really do. But once she's out of the house parts of this will probably get easier.

Easier? Can you explain what you mean by this?

No more "you seem conflicted/confused."

OK. I'd rather drop the R discussions for a while entirely. Among other things, my IC suggested seeing her with me just once to explore the conflicted-ness, so I can better understand and manage what's potentially ahead. But that would take some time to set up.

[Holding]

Plus, I want the kids. I'm the more consistent, focused parent anyway. I guess that by being away, she'll avoid seeing their pain and anguish on a day-in, day-out basis, and that would suck for me while she lives in her happy fantasy.

In that case, absolutely let her move out and leave the kids with you. I wish my STBXW would do the same for me.

Don't worry about her seeing their pain or whether she's enjoying her happy fantasy.