Still here. Still not detached...

[25yearsmlc]

Regardless, the desire to be "right" is definitely a strong one. I'm forced to participate in this divorce as if I agree with it and it's not fair.

you don't have to agree with it and no one will believe you do agree. You may have to sign papers and really, what is your option to that?
To stomp your feet and refuse b/c hey, you want "the world" to know you do NOT agree!?

Being a man of honor and strength means you can say calmly that it's not what you want but you resign yourself to her decision.

And learn to resign to it as if you know SHE will be missing a great man and life and that you feel sad for HER loss...

But I know "fair" doesn't really matter.

Oh it matters. But you are self aware enough to know that most people in the world are so much worse off than we are, just by virtue of us living in the west. Sometimes it helps us to have perspective, other times it's just not enough.

I struggle with the injustice of this. I relate.
Okay you already know in your head that there are worse off folks. -

Yet we have to process and resolve our pain. Mine was searing at times. Lately - maybe b/c our court hearing is soon, I've had anger so intense that I'd suddenly feel consumed & enraged, and fear that is so intense it would make my heart race and chest pound, sometimes at 4am.

THIS^^^ is not something I can maintain. I must process and reduce and then eliminate them. I refuse to be bitter, or defined by this, but we can be defined by how we react and how we retake our lives.


IF your M ends. You are still at bat.

My T said something I'll pass to you -- "Chris, you are really hurt, and it's shitty. Some folks have it a lot shittier, and some have a lot less [censored]. You still have to deal with yours..."

So Reframe this experience.




And the anger and I resentment I harbor toward my W permeates throughout all other aspects of my life. I know it has to stop because the only one who suffers from this anger is me.

This^^^ is gold. Consider the heart racing anger I felt last week when I was walking my dog. (I think I heard a song that triggered it)

I almost stopped walking my dog to go home. It hit me that my h has no idea how damaged I feel. And if he did, he provably would not feel guilt, but validated about how great a catch he was ("of course 25 misses me!") OR he'd feel that I was weak and unattractive ...or he'd give it no thought at all...

Though I see our d as mostly his fault, that does not matter in terms of my future happiness .

Can you see how your wife's "blame" in this, does not affect you & your future -unless you choose to let it?
I mistakenly believed that my love for him and the importance of our family was so deep and real, then getting over it would reflect poorly on me.

And sometimes I'd think

"HE did this to Me/Our kids. IF I'm not mad and hurt -pretty much always - then "everyone" will think I'm just fine with this! - And then H wins...but I'm right! He's wrong! How come HE gets to be happy and I don't?"

Because I'm letting my pain & anger remain in 'stuck', instead of filling my life with new joys and interests.

I am giving him all my power and he's not even aware of it.

Any of this^^ resonate?

You can reframe your experience here. That is where the GAL begins. And in your case I think making new friends and being a good friend matters more than you realize. Nothing gets you in a good mindset about the world and making meaningful connections than volunteering or coaching or putting yourself out there.