Still here. Still not detached...

[25yearsmlc]

I hope to God you did not reveal your emotions and judgments to the kids in any way.

No, I never disparage my W to our kids but I'm sure they've noticed my irritated and sullen moods in the past. I'm trying to work on that.


well, to put it bluntly, you CAN work on that, not just "try". Be upbeat around your kids AND your w. IF you two divorce you can tell your kids how you feel and let them see you work through the process AND heal.

Someday they will face setbacks or heartbreak. They need to know their pain is not eternal or fatal. You can model this.

If there is a reconciliation, you will model forgiveness and compassion and loyalty and commitment from both of you.

Unless you reasonably and sincerely believe the kids are endangered, you have to back off. It will NEVER HELP YOU to criticize her mothering. I am positive of that.

I read you loud and clear. Right now I'm hung up on the fact that our parenting isn't consistent. The kids receive a mixed message because I feel like my W is too lax with the rules we've all agreed to. When we finally have 2 separate residences this will be much easier to handle.


Maybe your w feels you imposed the "agreed" upon rules. And maybe she thinks you are too rigid, or just wants to modify them, or maybe we just don't know. .

Do you want to be "right" or do you want to save your m?

This is the $64K question! (showing my age...)


My question to you was not the one you thought it was (but I'll address yours in a minute).

I meant to show you that being "right" is usually Not important at all. It's a competitive piece that does not belong in a marriage. OR a family, come to think of it.

Being "right" can mean that you guessed the capital of Iowa correctly, and no one else did. Yay, bonus!

Whereas insisting that everyone agree with you on a political/theological/relationship issue is Not "right", ever. It's destructive - even if you had "a point."

Many LBSers (including me) come here feeling that their spouse "Should Not" do or feel the way they do or think what they think. Because it hurts us. But putting our focus on blaming the WAS

derails our potential growth and detachment and those are things WE need.


The method of communication is very often more important that the content.

do you get what I mean? HOW we resolve conflict is usually more important than who "won".

Speaking for myself and the women I've asked, if a w feels listened to and valued, and her h seeks & takes in her input, that's usually enough to feel good about whatever decision is made.



I don't have an answer to this because lately I've been feeling like I don't want to reconcile. The other night while drifting off to sleep I had a bit of an epiphany in which I couldn't ever see our relationship recovering from this. I know that this feeling won't last forever, but when I ask myself the question, "What would it take...?" I can't come up with an answer. So much damage has been done.


I hear you!

So, 2 things.

1) you don't have to know the answer to this^^^ now. There are things we cannot ever really "know" until IF and when it happens.

2) when the belief arises that the m is irretrievably broken to you, a period of sadness and mourning may come. It's a lot like acceptance, but find peace in this: you don't really know if it is true

and if it is, let your faith in God (or the universe, etc) and yourself, come in fully. Know you are going to be just fine, no matter what.

Half the m's in our nation end in D, which is a real bummer. It means that half the people around us were or are walking wounded. Weird, eh? But they survive and many thrive.

At some point in this ordeal, it is or will be ALL up to us. Meanwhile, get those tools to make that happen no matter what your spouse does.