WW Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

25years -

Agree not right to put D on the spot.

I'm trying to model restraint and calm now after I joined this site. I haven't had or initiated any P/A texts with WW since I first posted. This week I've really only initiated contact regarding DD's or financial matters.


Good! Try to watch the tone as well, like avoid saying "Did you pay the bill YET??" or "you were supposed to..." because that's just an unneeded jab.

Make sense? I tell you these things b/c we all need reminders of what we could say, instead of just what "not" to say.

I'm also trying to regain WW's respect as I've been the A typical Nice Guy conflict avoider peacekeeper don't rock the boater pretty much our whole marriage.

The NG syndrome is sort of a misnomer b/c it's more about wanting to look like a nice guy rather than being one for real. As for respect, I think if you show you respect yourself and not "trying to regain" it from someone who has a lot of resentment at the moment might just backfire.

Plus that^^ is all about you getting her to give you something rather than you working on you. There is a dynamic in your interactions (hers too) in which there is an undertone of competitive resentment and pain in both of you. Dashed hopes and the desire to hurt our partner CAN come from the fact that we are hurt and our way of showing them how we feel is to make them hurt, too.

someone has to stop and break the cycle. And you are the one here working on the m, not her. So yeah, it's on you.

Do you see what I mean?


Sandi refers to it as retrieving my man parts back from her because she pretty much controlled everything in the MR. I never properly led the MR or the family.

That is one way of seeing it (I'm not saying I disagree either)

But that's not what I'm referring to. **Please put your helmet on b/c I'm going to deliver a 2 x 4 to you, okay?**

I think your remarks to your wife were mean spirited, like brow beating her with the "look in the mirror to see who ruined our family" comment. Ray, that is so NOT likely to attract her back, I hope you can see that now.

MWD teaches that when we learn to change our end of it - b/c thats all we control then by it's nature, the dynamic and relationship changes. What a great opportunity for you to show with ACTIONS Not Words, that you are a changed, better man.

your wife feels & believes many things about your including that you "will never change"...So there is ONE thing you can change and she will have to see..
you ARE CHANGING!

She believes the R and dynamics cannot change and you are all destined to walk on egg shells in between outbursts that wound you both deeply.

YOU can change that (and model what a man of strength and honor does when he feels strongly about something but maintains a respectful tone with his wife.

It's damn hard to scream at a Calm person, in control of their emotions and expressing what they feel/think - a calm person willing to walk away if the talk is not productive and respectfully Leave

BE calm and BE respectful so your wife can learn what it looks like. It's not weak, it's strong. The calmer person in an argument is the one with the power, the screamer or person who throws "truth darts" is the angrier person who is not actively listening, but is waiting to launch a dart as soon as there is a pause. The yelling person is not in control and is just having a tantrum

I don't think it's about you being too wimpy. Maybe you did not do what you wanted and "gave in" but you also resented it and lashed out.

So, what do you think "properly leading" a family means? Also, Are you guys regular church goers?



I'm somewhat conflicted because I don't want her to be away from DD's but at the same time I shouldn't have to leave the house because I'm not the one who:

Wants to separate/divorce
Pursued multiple OM's while living under this roof

I hope you are not throwing that in her face in your talks. IT's all blame. YES SHE is the one who wants out but you want her to stay, not take on your anger.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I've already told her I'm not leaving...now if I capitulate I'm sacrificing my convictions and beliefs just to keep the peace and that will cause me to lose respect for myself which in turn will cause her to lose even more respect for me.

I wasn't suggesting you leave.

You need to keep the peace better no matter what you do or what she does. She cannot MAKE you fight. But she will Not be bullied or cajoled back into the m.
The power struggle between you - Drop the Rope.

Choose your battles VERY wisely and only then, (not letting pride or jealousy be the cause; but your daughters, or the financial stability of the home and how your w treats you, ---those are important)

And IF you end up filing, that may not be the end of the m.
(Just don't file to "wake her up" )but only when you wish to end things.

In California 1/3 of divorces filed, are never completed. A chunk of those people reconcile or Sometimes the freedom to see the grass shows that it's green where it gets the most water.

Sorry but it makes me envision such a power struggle it's as if you are digging in your heels and grabbing the d's in to keep score.

When you detach better, you won't have so many conflicts or snipey remarks and she won't have to walk on egg shells...

the calmer the home can be, going forward the less need for someone moving out.

Do you have a pull sofa or extra bed in the girls room?

I'm falling asleep now so, I''l wrap this up.

Maybe If you could detach more, *(gone a lot) AND in better then maybe tensions would lower in the home, and your wife would not be squirming to have you out, would she?

You can do this.