Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[25yearsmlc]

JoeJoe - She has repeatedly denied a PA. I validated what she's told me because she got really tired of hearing me doubt her.

The possible OM lives literally on the other side of the planet, so there are no rendezvous other than skype appointments while she's at work - never on weekends, no lovey chats on her phone - none of the "normal" signs. I think this is some kind of escape for her.

My IC is encouraging me to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

There is risk here that W will bolt, or that I will. Your W admitted a PA, as have seemingly many others on here, but mine is hiding things and keeping secrets, even though I have some circumstantial evidence that points in a direction. Our R may not make it, but I do deserve to know what the truth is.

Haven't you all reached similar crossroads?

I do not recommend telling her about your ONS.

But it's curious to me that you have a double standard. You were able to work it out and choose her.

The 3 things that hit me most are 1) that there is a guy on the other side of the planet who is older.

I wonder if he seems like a relatively safe "fantasy partner" in that the sex is not going to be as much of an issue (probably) and he's FAR away. He's the least likely man in her life to have sex with, correct?

2) her depression. Her mom died and a few months later she gets OFF AD's...when her reserves were at their lowest. My mom passed away year ago in August and it about kbrought me to my knees. A gaping hole in my life. Ugh.

She was Fine one day and gone the next. And she was older, too. I mean, I "should" have expected it, but my Point is, I was pretty darn low and my recall of that time period is way off. Your w was a situational recipe for an emotional misfire.

3) the "sex feels like rape" is both disturbing and dramatic. (Was there abuse in her childhood?) However I relate to the childbirth making some sexual things different. A certain spot is no longer "fun" but it can be worked around.

There are other methods and ways around, and devices to help with this, if you are willing to experiment. (Not Now, obviously).

But if it is painful for her - then I worry less about a PA, plus the mother's death and dad moving into assisted living, and getting off the AD's and the financial stress are a lot.

BTW, I don't think you getting a paycheck as of May is going to feel like all is well to her. Especially if she has felt overly burdened the past year.

It's a security thing for women, unfair or outdated as that may seem.

Underlying our feelings towards our h's is the sense that we are protected, whether from a noise in the night or food on the table. I'm sorry she told you one thing but felt another, possibly b/c there is pressure on all of us to support our spouses dreams - sometimes at great costs.

In retrospect I wish my h had not decided to go to medical school when we had an 8 week old son and I was still in law school. Even though I worried about it, I never really considered saying no. It's as if that would have been selfish of me (oh the irony).

Expand your GAL and back off the R talks.

As for discussing divorce and her wanting one, what is stopping her?

The state grants divorces, not spouses. So the old Dallas show with Joan Collins yelling that she'd "never give her h a divorce!" is not relevant anymore. Only one spouse has to want a divorce to get one.

If she files, you'll be served. As for mixed signals, I think she's confused.

But here's the thing, you don't want a mixed signal confused wife to reconcile with. if she came to you tomorrow and said "Oh, btw, I now want to be m"

you would not trust that. And you'd be right! The only way to reconcile is when the WAS knows they want to and

and you will know if that happens. Plus the sex life issue must be addressed.

I know you dont' want a divorce in your life and your kids', but having a resentment filled sexless marriage modeled for the kids isn't great either.

So put ALL your focus on yourself (and the kids) now.

Be a rock for your kids but GAL asap. Wear some cologne and a few new shirts and get some mystery going. You are busy "going to new places, meeting interesting people and doing Fun things!"

Don't get bogged down in what SHE is doing, get all bogged down in how you will fit all your new GAL in days.

And see an IC, for YOU. Maybe forget the MC for now. She's not invested in the MC now and will use it as a forum to confirm her choices.

As for OM, given your situation I would not put so much energy there. It's distracting you from so many underlying issues in the m that are real, and valid and important.

Hang in there