Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[sandi2]

I think you had asked about helping with house chores. First of all, does she have a full time employment of 40 hrs or more a week? If so, then, absolutely you should share equally in the evening chores. Three kids and a one-year old.......yes. If she doesn't work outside of the home, my personal opinion is that you focus on managing the boys. Oversee homework, baths, taking them to activities, etc. In fact, you could have the oldest three boys taking different nights assisting you in cleaning up the kitchen. You'd be surprised how that presents opportunity for one on one conversations with your child. Here's the thing........don't do all the work, and don't any of it to score brownie points with her. ( I don't know why housework is the first thing men think of doing as mending the MR). If you didn't do it before the bomb was dropped.......then it's not going to cause miracles now. Okay, I'm taking up too much time on this subject........so, moving right along........

Have you taken time for self evaluation? Have you thought about the things I suggested? I realize you want to save your M, and the applications we will be suggesting may be totally opposite to what you feel you should be doing. Most every newcomer struggles with their emotions, so FWIW, you are in great company.

Beginning right now, you need to think of you and your WW as two separate entities. Your W has brought a third party into the MR........and that never works. You cannot control anyone but yourself, therefore, take your attention off your WW.......and the OM.

She has expressed enough about her feelings toward you and the OM to let you know she no longer wants to continue in this MR. Therefore, that frees you from any type of wife management that you may have previously considered. You are not responsible for her, and you can't manage her. That means you focus on self, and managing yourself.

You may find yourself wanting to persuade your WW to give the MR another chance. You may have moments you experience fear or even have panic attacks. You may be tempted to write a long letter, apologizing to her for everything you can think of.......and even taking responsibility for her affair. You may want to tell her that you will always love her......no matter what she's done. You may want to tell her you will always be there for her; forgive her, repeat how you don't want a divorce; offer to go to MC; express how much you love and need her; etc. You may tear up at times. You may follow her around the house, you may try to please her. You may want to plead with her and make her promises. You may go home, put on your Super Husband cape, and treat her like royalty.......while you jump around putting out fires. You may feel sad and unhappy. My point here is that these are all examples of something that is self manageable. Some things like panic attacks, sleep deprivation, depression, etc. may need to be treated by a doctor.......but it's still you managing your side of the street in this sh't storm. It's your responsibility to manage Joe. It is not your W's responsibility to manage Joe.

What about your WW? She's unhappy; complains; doesn't want to act like a married wife and mother of four; wants to explore other options; wants space; gets angry; cold; has problems; has debts; picks fights;......... yada, yada, yada. Whose responsibility do these things fall under? A lot of men try to manage their W, and you can tell when reading their threads. A lot of men try to fix their W. You cannot control her or fix her......and you should not rescue her.

So what can you do? Here are a handful of things to get you started.
1). Emotionally detach from her. Physically detach as much as you can.
2). Let her go, emotionally.
3). Be less available.
4). Set personal goals.
5). GAL. Fill your calendar with activities you enjoy.
6). Don't try to fix her, please her, or rescue her.

I have to end here. May be gone over the weekend, but don' t think I have forsaken you.