I completely understand where you are coming from. There are so many things my ex did that are similar where I said to myself I should have never married him, then I should have left. My mother had a few suicide attempts before she succeeded. The one that landed her in the rehab where she finally did succeed she was pretty bad off. She called me telling me she took a whole bunch of insulin and Xanax, I called the cops and they transported her to the hospital. I got home from work and begged ex to drive me to to the hospital (about 2 hours away). he refused and said he was going out to the bar that night. So I went to the bar with him instead. Well, whens he was released ot the hospital to the facility I took a 3 hour trek to see her..... that was the last time I ever saw her, she killed herself a few days later. If I didn't go to see her, I would have never seen her again. I live with guilt for choosing my ex instead of my mom. At her wake (it was all I did, no burial) he left early because all his friends were coming over for a BBQ. He should have never left my side. But he was always #1.
When I was bleeding at 20 weeks of my pregnancy I freaked. I was bleeding when we were going to bed. After to all we had been to, I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. He complained because he had to get up for work in the morning. He came, but gave me crap about it. The night he met OWW he was out with friends and said he would be home from by 12, the latest the train came in. 2am, he couldn't be reached and he never came home. I drove a half hour to the train station, called his sister, everything. He strolls in at 5am telling me I was being dramatic and had the balls to me mad at ME for being mad at him. He said he fell asleep and left his phone on the table. 2 years later I found out the truth. We lived almost an hour awayf rom the hospital and I was in my 3rd trimester. He said "I will go out until you are 36 weeks". Well, he went out on 36 weeks, 4 days. I stayed at my dad's because I was scared. Well, I went into labor 3 days later and I realize where he had really been. I
These ran through my head for so long. I cringe at how pathetic I was to allow this. The anger used to be soooooo strong. These things still come in my head but now I realize how I am actually fortunate not to be with this degenerate anymore. I do promise you the anger lessens and the thoughts pop in less and less.
I have my dignity now. I feel like I had zero dignity back then. Now it is painful for me to look back on because I can't believe I actually let myself be treated that way. You are no longer allowing it. Please, take pride in that. You deserve a lot better and sometimes the better is what we give to ourselves.
I discovered so much from homecare and hospice. Seeing how people really live on the inside. How they come out on top when the cards were down. How maybe the perfect little house isn't so perfect after all. I began my hospice volunteering today and I enjoyed being around the patients again.
enjoy this journey, you'll learn so much! Be excited about it!
