I think you are bravely looking at ways to improve and that is commendable. REALLY.
I hope you'll read AS's post above, again. I have to admit that your comments (which he cited), made me cringe when I read them. I worried that you wanted us to validate them, but I shook my head -- literally.
I don't believe the very terms "truth darts" are in the DB books. Periodically I read some LBS here, using that phrase and proudly quoting their jabs here.
And it portends badly for them, imo.
One of the single most important changes I have made as a woman/mother/wife/friend is learning to hold my tongue. (Drink a STFU smoothie).
Now, I fight fairly, and I do not go for the jugular. I do not "hit back" or sling mud, I stay on point and if the other person cannot, I end the discussion. I can agree to disagree or just extricate myself. This has helped my psyche, my spirit, my health and it has helped my r's enormously.
People CAN change. Cycles can be broken.
Keep at this. I think your w is in a lot of pain, and looking for a friendly shore to land on.
The jabs just push her away and you feel bad later. Here is the "math" of it. consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
The time for You to tell her what she "should" do for you or the family or m, is not when she's on the fence or wanting out.
Now is the time for just you to work on just you. If you really feel compelled to insert yourself into her drinking issues, rather than your own stuff,
attend Al Anon on your own. (Don't tell her if you go, it'll just be a way to manipulate her into feeling like crap about herself which is SO Not going to make her want to work on the M)
Or just stay in your sandbox. You have bravely admitted you have your own issues. Good for you! Best to start there.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
