Picking up Her MESS

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25yearsmlc

My W was a very Loving W and Mom couldn't have ask for better women since her Breakdown or MLC for sure depress W confirmed.

I in 2013 had a EA I am not sure why I did it it happen and not sure how when W confronted me I didn't deny it and was ready to leave my W and kids I felt in love lol but driving one-day it hit me like a slap in my face what was I doing how can I just hurt her that way or my kids.

okay so this^^ is a bit long of a sentence & it is a little hard for me to understand.

So, Are you saying that you had an EA, and your w guessed it, and then she confronted you? And you did not confess but you did not deny? (how do you feel about that reaction, now?)

You say you don't know why, "it happened", but you did feel remorse. And you expressed remorse, right?

So, if you don't know why you did it, it's important to realize she may not understand why she is.

OR she just feels entitled to have one. "She deserves it!" Maybe it's a revenge affair or maybe more.

I remember I felt unworthy for hurting her I realized it I went home and W greeted me hug me I cried and said am so sorry and we started piecing ourselves and when I said to W am sorry she'll say I know.

When you two were piecing,
Did you guys get individual counseling or couples counseling?

How did you repair the damage? Do you feel that it was resolved, in her eyes?

Now I know how it hurts but never had a PA as W is I feel EA and PA are two different things W broke something I feel unworthy not pretty enough ect.

some people see a big difference between EA's and PAs. Many think the EA's are worse b/c "Love" may be involved, instead of just sex. That EA's share more private things, and that it undermines marriages more than PA.

OTHERS are more upset by PAs and feel that is over a different line.

What matters is that All affairs harm the marriage, and they all damage our self esteem. They all do. I get it. It feels terrible.

Try not to make a distinction for now, b/c it's not a contest and it's probably not very helpful to you now.


Our kids are adopted all three our first s9 is not related to D9 and S8 they are brother and sisters by law I feel blood doesn't make you family.

Yes I see how you feel. If they are all adopted with the same legal formality, I would think the court might see it your way. But who knows? Subconsciously there may be a belief that the biologically related children are not to be split under any circumstances if possible.

I'm not really clear on why your w wants to part them. Are you both listed on the adoption papers, as parents with equal rights? And do you have a formal domestic partnership?


I myself had spine surgery it was 6hrs long of surgery still recovering haven't work in 8 months since work injury now am healing and couple more surgeries to go.

Has your w been the sole breadwinner since then or do you have money coming in?

How much more time will it take to heal? What is projected to be your long term needs and abilities?

Are you disabled? how is your pain level?


Now can I ask some questions.
Why do MLC spouses look for new relationships if they can't even handle there own at home or there kids.

Because they want to be happier or fix what is wrong in their life and it's much easier (at first glance) to change partners than to deal with reality. And when you remember the EA you had, you can see that justifying it in the short run, is not that hard. Plus they tend to think the real problem is the LBS, not them.

Also, asking "how" and "why" -- can waste a lot of energy and time and gets you nowhere. I spent a year of my life asking and asking. I understand the temptation but There are NO "good" answers that will help you feel better. What could she say that would make you slap your forehead and say "OH, I GET IT. It all makes sense now!"

That^^ won't happen and whatever she says anyhow, is either false OR if it is true, can change the next week.
Believe me, I've done enough asking for both of us. Try to stop asking what SHE is doing/planning/feeling and get back on track to caring for yourself and the kids.

Here is a prayer that might help you.


Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and **constant wondering is constant suffering.

-Caroline Myss

But can have an affair or ow is mind blowing. I try so hard to understand how can they just walk away and throw everything away.

I hear you.

But you are projecting YOUR views on her, as if she thinks/feels the same as you, but she does not share those views. IF she did, you would not be here.

I spend time even now, pondering how my h can go months without speaking or seeing our children. But he can.

I will never understand it but you know, we have to accept lots of things in life that we don't understand.

Hang in there.