So a counselor I am seeing advised me that when I get really mad at something that happened, to allot myself 30 minutes to vent/research/obsess over. But if Im in a place where I cant do that, I need to find a way to get it out of my head. I am consciously aware of this challenge and am really going to try.
My recent trigger was remembering about my trip to the ER for kidney stones in the middle of the night. I was in agony. Worse pain then child birth. This was pre BD, but during a time when my ex was just being really really nasty and detached.
Anyway, when we went to the ER, it was pretty empty. They had a man transport me to get a CT. I remember being scared because there was absolutely no one else around and I was in a robe and feeling really vulnerable. The CT machine was in an area of the building that was completely empty and dark. And I was transported to another male technician. And I was a bit out of it because of the pain. (He did not do anything wrong and everything was fine. The entire staff was great). But here's the thing. My ex could have come with with me and he did not. He disappeared. I could tell then how little concern he had for me.
If that was my daughter, and she was in a position like that I would have made sure I was with her.
I really wish that I was the one that left him.
This hurts me still and I dont know why. Of course the person you are married to should feel concern about their wife's safety. He was not. And i am angry about that. But anger does not make sense as an emotion to feel that way. A smart emotion would be "good, now i have an opportunity to find someone that is capable of feeling something for someone that is tied to them"
And I think about how nice it would be to actually have a partner that genuinely worries and cares for my well being.
I know from reading all the stories on here, that most of you have experienced something similar and know the sting.
So I am going to include something positive in this post as well...
Sometimes I see these really nice families. Family dog, kids, house. The whole works and I get really jealous. (i never had any of that..even prior to BD) Then I get to know the moms a little bit, and guess what? They were single moms at one point! This happened twice this week!
I just have to put myself out there and I am excited about trying something that will be fun.
