WW Part 2

[AnotherStander]

Furthermore, I don't do divorce therefore YOU will need to figure out how to end the marriage and tear apart the family on your own.

Here's another book recommendation for you- "No More Mister Nice Guy." It's not what the title sounds like, it delves into the NGS (nice guy syndrome) and how "nice guys" are really not as "nice" as they try to appear on the outside. I'm reading some passive/aggressive comments throughout your posts (your comments towards your W I mean) like the one above. It is very unhealthy, and very damaging to any relationship but especially that with your spouse. Your W is already beating herself up for what she's doing, but when you say things like this she says to herself "wow, this is why I'm leaving this jerk, and I'm DEFINITELY doing the right thing." So quit giving her ammo. Read Sandi's 37 rules every day and LIVE them!

We're also supposed to start family counseling as WW's drinking has caused a fair amount of alienation from our DD's. So between her EA's and her drinking our family is very broken.

I'm also reading a lot of blame in your posts. I don't excuse your W for pursuing an affair, but try to quit blaming her and start asking yourself why. Why did she feel the need for an A? What was she missing in the M that she finally had to seek elsewhere? What can you do 180's on in that regard?

WW also says things like "DD's will be much happier if we're apart" "All the tension in the house is caused by LBH" "I think DD's would be disappointed if we stay together" "I think we'll be better as friends"

Read the sticky thread on validation if you haven't already. I think your inclination is to argue whenever she says things like this, but arguing about it just prolongs the tension and resentment. If you can learn to validate effectively it is a huge 180, especially for those who have passive/aggressive tendencies.

I so want to tell her "Every time you look in the mirror, you'll know who tore apart this family"

In her eyes that is you. And every time you say something like that, it just reminds her it's you. Like 25 said, you can't "guilt" her back any more than you can "nice" her back.

I also want to send her the picture I took of her and OM on the patio as well as the "we should get naked together" text capture and tell her "This is how I will remember you for the rest of my life...the serial cheater that you are"

First, I'm glad you had the forethought to post that here rather than doing it. Second, whenever you want to do something like this, ask yourself what your goals are. Then ask yourself "does this move me closer to my goal, or farther away." Get used to asking yourself that a LOT!

In the past when I've sent truth darts at WW, she claims that "I'm emotionally abusing her" "Using my words to cripple her" "You're unpredictable...nice one minute then mean the next" yada yada yada

I was as much a NG as anyone here, although I'm mostly reformed now. From one NG to another, SHE IS RIGHT. You ARE emotionally abusing her, you ARE using your words to hurt and cripple her, you ARE unpredictable and P/A. Please try and grasp that sooner rather than later, so you can go about the long, long road of repairing that about yourself. 5 years later I'm still working on it myself. You keep calling them "truth darts" but they are not. They are nasty little jabs. Your version of the "truth" is not the same as hers. Reposting this response from 25:

"We cannot go back in time but man, if we could, I'd STFU and gone my own way and lived my life GAL without so much preoccupation and obsessing and wondering"

Amen to that. Learning to STFU is the most important DB'ing skill IMO.

Me: Are you coming home tomorrow?
WW: Not if you will be there
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll set your packages on your work table. Enjoy the rest of your day.
WW: Thx

That's definitely better as far as validation, but why ask that in the first place? DETACH!

This may be semi pursuing but I motioned for WW to roll down her window:

Me: I'm making pasta later if you want to stay and have some
WW: No...I think I'm just gonna go
Me: Ok

Yeah that's pursuit. Stop it!

Ever since I started this thread I have been very cautious in my approach and language while interacting with WW. I agree that most of our interactions have not been not healthy. Based on the wonderful advice you gave a couple days ago, I've not been righteous, preachy, judge mental, or self pitying! Through you I've realized that the constant pity party, self loathing "zingers" only prop me up by tearing her down. So one of my 180's is to be more loving and caring while being calmly confident in our interactions. The constant harping drove her away while at the same time making me look very unattractive.

Great stuff, keep it up! Just understand that 180's require TIME. Your W won't believe them at first, then will think they are just tricks to get her back. It takes months or even a year or more before she'll start thinking you've really changed.

OK I think that catches me up I don't have time to stay on top of all of the threads here, if it seems like people are getting a lot of good help from others then I usually focus elsewhere. 25 and Treasur have given you some great input here! But I will try and keep tabs too!