Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[TBSakaJ9]

Joseph - how are your kids holding up?

My kids are doing good. My W is a school teacher so they where with her in her apartment all summer and I had them on weekends and every Wed night. That was our agreed upon arrangement. When we first sat them down to tell them they cried and my W cried as well. For some reason I held it together. They adjusted quickly though with a few moments here and there.

It does really stink for the kids however in some respects you project your feelings onto them. What matters the most is how you handle the situation and communicate with them. I have never once said anything negative about their mom, at soccer games we sit together as a family with whatever child that is not playing sitting between us, pick up and drop off are cordial ( we make some small talk, things like that), we communicate a few times during the week about the kids now that school has started, joke around here and there. I don't harbor any ill will towards my W for how she felt the only initial anger I had is how she handled the situation. Just keep it as normal as you can for them. We told them they would be going to the same school, have the same friends and told them how much we both loved them. I always tell them that mommy and daddy will love them no matter what. You have to keep your relationship with your W behind the curtain.

The funny thing is I only get emotional when I talk about my children. I never get emotional any more over my W.

[JDub]

This may be anti-DB methodology...I got tired of not being able to sleep and having this cloud of anxiety hanging over the both of us. Last night at 2 am both W and I were awake and I told her two things:

1) I made arrangements to resolve a big financial hairball that has been over our heads and causing her a lot of stress. Was a big surprise and I debated whether to tell her or not, because I didn't want anything in return.

2) Confronted her about possible emotional A. Reason is that if I can get confirmation on it, either way, I can move off where I'm stuck and into a next phase, but I have to know the truth. Told her that I wish I hadn't ever seen her emails and that notepad, but here we are.
- Told her that I understand her repeated claims/insistence that there's not a physical affair, as she has more integrity than that
- I receive a lot of charged emotions back from her when I bring it up, which makes me think it's an emotional affair
- I don't know how often they talk, or the content, or if his wife knows either
- I'm not saying don't have guy friends. I have friends that are women, but it's not a secret and I don't keep it hidden, and that's what I am really having a hard time with.
- maybe she could invite me into their next Skype call so I could be a party to things rather than kept on the outside.

She said that she would think about inviting me to a Skype call to help ease my mind (her words). I was really surprised, this was nice, but in the light of day I'm not sure if that will come to reality or not. We'll see.

I also said that I'm coming to her calmly, without jealousy or anger, and when I've brought this up previously she has come back really angry...and I'd appreciate it if she responded in kind, without anger. She responded that she completely understood this.

She but on a guided meditation to help both of us sleep (and sleep I did).

Trying to follow the guidance I read yesterday on these boards about not applying pressure on the R. There were no ILYs, no setting plans, no begging or anything like that. Didn't say goodbye before leaving for the gym this morning. Just need information on what's really happening to help inform what action I'm going to take.

[joejoe1]

JDub,

How is that not pressure? Asking her if she's having a PA at 2 a.m. That seems like pressure to me.

I knew my wife was talking to OM and saw a lot of evidence of her talking to him. She didn't admit PA until I saw a picture of them kissing. I had to find the exact evidence before she came clean. Denying is a part of this process. Remember believe none of what they say and half of what they do. She also told me she wanted to tell me a few times but didn't want to her me with what she did. Your wife might feel the same. She know it might destroy you, so she's might be holding on tight to truth.

[JDub]

JoeJoe - She has repeatedly denied a PA. I validated what she's told me because she got really tired of hearing me doubt her.

The possible OM lives literally on the other side of the planet, so there are no rendezvous other than skype appointments while she's at work - never on weekends, no lovey chats on her phone - none of the "normal" signs. I think this is some kind of escape for her.

My IC is encouraging me to stand up for myself and set boundaries.

There is risk here that W will bolt, or that I will. Your W admitted a PA, as have seemingly many others on here, but mine is hiding things and keeping secrets, even though I have some circumstantial evidence that points in a direction. Our R may not make it, but I do deserve to know what the truth is.

Haven't you all reached similar crossroads?

[TBSakaJ9]

There is risk here that W will bolt, or that I will. Your W admitted a PA, as have seemingly many others on here, but mine is hiding things and keeping secrets, even though I have some circumstantial evidence that points in a direction. Our R may not make it, but I do deserve to know what the truth is.

J-Money......wait until 1 of vets weighs in as there are a couple different schools of thought on how to handle A's. FWIW....I asked my W twice if she was having an A and both times she said "no". I did some snooping before she moved out and could not find anything to confirm. Once she moved out I stopped snooping so to this date I still have no idea whether or not she was in an active A before we separated.

Let Sandi, TX, Stander, LH, Mic or another let you know how to handle as I have heard and read different philosophies on the subject.

The advice I got on the board was to not confront my W with circumstantial evidence because if she is having one it will drive it further underground.

[JDub]

Joseph:

The advice I got on the board was to not confront my W with circumstantial evidence because if she is having one it will drive it further underground.

May drive things further underground, may drive her to get a lawyer, that part I can't control and I'm ok with it. I stopped snooping which has been surprisingly liberating (although she is eating through our data plan, which may be related, may not be).

We've been having a lot of good family time lately and that is not lost on her.
- I've made arrangements to move a giant financial burden off of our household, which has been a point of blame that she's put on me (that's not the reality, but whatever). I felt that was my responsibility to fix it and man up on it.

- I was there for her when she needed a laugh after her car wreck this week.

- Kids are doing really well in school.

- We've been having a lot of non-stress quality time

- We are hosting dinner on Friday for our group of close couple friends...actually she's hosting it, it's for my birthday. If she brings up D again in an angry way before then as a result of my asking for clarity on the possible A, I may not show up for my party, and I'll let her explain what's going on. She does not like to own up to her stuff, and our friends are smarter than blindly believing the blame BS. They know the kind of dad, person, and leader I am.

Really looking forward to seeing what the vets say too

[joejoe1]

JDub,

I will say. You are right I had to know. But to be honest what did it accomphlish. You will look much stronger if you don't worry about it (which is hard) and start DBing, start distancing, start 180s. Me knowing didn't change her mind. And it only made me pursue harder. It made me not focus on myself and what I needed to do to become better.

IMHO, knowing will not change much and you are still going to have to do the same techniques. It has been three weeks since I found out. If I would of start DB when she told me she was fed up, I would be a lot further along at this point. This is my first full week of DBing, 180s, GALing and not talking about the M or R. Not starting any convo, not calling or T. So it took me three weeks. I'm telling you this, so you can create you own roadmap and get ahead of the game. Do what works and knowing won't change a thing but make you more upset, IMHO.

[doodler]

JDub,

My XW had me convinced that her EA partner was "just a friend." My MC/IC cleared my fog (and yes, I still feel like a dumb @ss for believing my wife).

One thing the MC said that really stuck in my craw...

"Listen, this is how marriage works; if one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend, then the friend has to go."

I'm going to have that tattooed to my chest.

[LH19]

JDUB,

Here is my opinion. If an A is a deal breaker for you then I agree you have a right to know and you should continue to snoop away. If A is confirmed, immediately set your boundary of not living in an open marriage.

If it is not a deal breaker and you are just going to over look it and hope that it runs it's course. Why put yourself through the agony?

Plus if she knows you know and are over looking it, it makes you look weak.

[Holding]

There is risk here that W will bolt, or that I will. Your W admitted a PA, as have seemingly many others on here, but mine is hiding things and keeping secrets, even though I have some circumstantial evidence that points in a direction. Our R may not make it, but I do deserve to know what the truth is.

Haven't you all reached similar crossroads?

My W was very secretive with her phone and changed all her passwords. She denied anything was going on. I collected info on a possible A over the course of a month. It slowly killed me, but certainly helped me detach. Although it wasn't black & white evidence, I eventually reached a point where I couldn't hold it in any more, and I confronted W. She denied it and said he was just a friend. I told her I didn't believe her.

If you can stand to keep what you know to yourself, do that for as long as possible. But be very aware of the toll it'll take on you.