WW Part 2

[AnotherStander]

Hi Ray, you asked me in another thread to pop in so here I am I am reading back through your sitch but wanted to post a quick response to this:

"I didn't ask for this S/D so I don't feel I'm the one who should leave. You're welcome to stay at the house anytime, however, I will not leave(be leaving) the MBR."

If you have time, read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough". You can download an electronic copy from Amazon and it's a pretty quick read, but it hits a lot on this subject of "opening the cage door" and I think it dovetails well with DB'ing. He also talks a lot about the distance/pursuit dynamic and explains it in very easy-to-understand terms, even providing some diagrams illustrating it.

I used a paragraph in his book as the template for a similar convo I had with my wife, it went something like "I would like for you to stay here and work on the M, but most of all I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving is what will make you happy then I am not going to interfere. I will support you in your decision no matter what it is." The point of "opening the cage door" is you are NOT trying to control/ manipulate the situation. You are NOT making her decision for her. You are telling her you will support HER in HER decision. This is an important distinction because often the WAS feels they're being controlled and manipulated by the LBS, especially when it comes to post-BD because the LBS is so hellbent on saving the M while the WAS is done with it.

My W later came to me and asked why SHE had to move out, why not ME. I told her that SHE was the one that wanted out of the M, and I was being put through enough as it was and had no intentions of leaving the home. I reiterated that she was welcome to stay AND WORK ON THE M (I never offered her the option of staying in limbo), or leave, it was her choice.

The point being, I was gentle and understanding, but also firm and resolute. My leaving the house was never a point of negotiation, it was never on the table and she knew it. That was the last time she asked, after that she started looking for places.