What to Do? 2

[Maika]

You've already told her point blank that you don't want the divorce and are willing to sit down and talk about this when she wants to.

I am not sure what's the point in reiterating the same thing to her. Good thing is you don't have to respond tonight.

Wait for one of the vets to weigh in.

If I had to text anything to her it would be - "I have already said that a divorce is not the solution to our problems, but I won't stand in your way if that is what you want. I am willing to sit down and discuss this with you."

DON'T SEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT YET!

Wait for some more comments. Most importantly, don't panic and never respond when you're emotional. When in doubt about what to do, do nothing.

[chris19]

Maika - Tha is for the comments. I did not respond to her last night. It was the first time my "panic" button did not kick in right away like usual. I agree with you; I do not need to tell her again and again I do not want this. I also remember the last text barrage I received from her; she was angry I "left her hanging". So to avoid repeating those same mistakes; I do need to respond don't I?

I WILL WAIT for additional comments from others and vets.

Also; if we do sit down and discuss any thing - are there ground rules for that? Is there a specific thread to read for that? Do I bring up why I think we got to we're we are (from what I did only); or do I stick to future plans on how I think we can work? I'm not sure how to approach that situation.

[chris19]

Along with how to respond from the text on page 4; I also messed up and did some internet snooping.

I defiantly had a moment of weakness and realize it. But, I found out my W still calls the OM from the EA(possible PA) almost everyday; and has been over the last couple months. Doing this is extremely counter productive, but I was just trying to gather all the information I could to you all to provide advice.

[EastTN]

I also remember the last text barrage I received from her; she was angry I "left her hanging". So to avoid repeating those same mistakes; I do need to respond don't I?

Why do you think that was a mistake? Because she got angry?

Here's the thing. You just said she talks to the AP every day. You're not her plan A. Sorry to hit you over the head with that, but you still seem to be thinking that if you're "nice enough" that will get her to come back. It's not going to happen.

DON'T be at her beck and call. She can wait for a text back. You have other, better things to do than to worry about what she's going to do. GAL! She should be worried about what YOU are doing, not the other way around. You're never going to save this otherwise (and you still might not, honestly. But you DO have the opportunity to save yourself).

Also, think about this: This is pretty much the EXACT SAME TEXT you got last time. "If you wanna talk about it we can but you've made it clear to me the last two weeks that you're ok to move forward, so I'm done thinking about it and crying over it." This is just another attempt at manipulation.

You don't want a D. We get that, that's why you're here. But that doesn't mean that you're going to talk her out of it in some way. In the end, she's going to do what she's going to do, and the only thing you have control over is yourself. So don't play her game. I'll let someone else wiser than me give you advice on how to handle responding to this (if at all. Paging sandi!) but I DO know that you do NOT need to reiterate what you've already said. It won't help. It will make things worse.

[EastTN]

Still think you should wait for someone wiser than I, but thinking about this more, I think the correct response here is something along the lines of, "I don't think there's anything to talk about as long as you're still talking to OM."

She doesn't need to know how you know this. When she lies about it, you don't have to prove she's wrong. Don't FIGHT about that. But don't let yourself be in an open marriage, unless that's what you want.

If she wants to D, you can't stop it. But you also don't have to have long conversations about it, either. Let her do the work on it. It sounds like she really doesn't want to go through the effort and needs to convince herself to do so. Don't give her the means to do that. Be a strong, happy, active, non-codependent chris19. Be a husband only a completely fool would leave.

[Maika]

I agree with East's last response. I think that's the correct one too. If there is an OM, this changes things IMHO.

[chris19]

Ok, so I have not responded to her text from page 4; I was going to take a few more comments from others.

W just texted me "Not really sure what to think when you don't respond to me?".

I am having this internal battle as to telling her I know she is still talking to the OM; because I really hate myself for snooping on her account; which I never had the password to; I just guessed.

I am in need of some thoughts on how to proceed from here.

1. What to text back if anything.
2. If we do meet up; how to proceed with the conversation of; well anything.

[LH19]

"I don't think there's anything to talk about as long as you're still talking to OM."

I have no problem with this response.

[EastTN]

I'll also caution you to remember NOT to be drawn into a fight about this. There are many reasons. Her knowing that you snooped will be counter productive, for one. She will just get better at lying, for another. You will lose the limited information you have today. And, last, it's a fight. Fighting is counter to your goals. You don't want to fight. Fighting just increases her resolve and makes her think she's doing the right thing.

Last, but not least, she already knows she's lying. She doesn't need you to point that out.

[chris19]

Exactly; this is why I am not sure how to respond if I do...