Still here. Still not detached...

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25. Thanks for all the insight. I have to respectfully disagree with some of your comments. Being disconnected from the situation, your observations are sound and my feelings do come off as an attack on my W's motherhood. But here's my point.

what you said IS an attack on her mothering, but one which you are defending below. How's that going to help your cause?

Rather than taking it in and saying "wow, I am making critical assessments of my w's mothering and an outside observer said so, based solely on my own words. I need to examine how to change this way of viewing her"

INSTEAD, you just further defended your criticisms. IS that working for you?



The first day of kindergarten is a big deal. And I don't even mean in a universal sense, I mean it's a big deal in our family. When my son started kindergarten there was a huge ramp up of enthusiasm. We made it very special for him and treated the day like a holiday. Three years later the idea of making the day special for my daughter wasn't even on my W's radar. And this isn't an isolated incident. My W has dropped the ball on a lot of things regarding our kids over the past year and this is very uncharacteristic of her.

While it's true that she doesn't have the choice to work from home, she does make her own hours and only works 2 days during the week. She could have easily taken the appointment at another time or on another day. It's not a money issue and it's not an issue of losing a client. It comes down to her not being able to say no to her clients for fear of disappointing them. Ironically, the people who should be more important to her are the ones who end up disappointed.

^^^ just more justification and more mind reading -ALL negative, btw.

Hey, you may be right (or not) but I think you need to reframe your approach big time.

Do you want to be "right" or do you want to save your m?

Now she may have had some sort of existential awakening and decided that she was propping up the kids too much. That we were hovering too much. That our kids need a dose of reality so that they won't feel so entitled. She's said these things to me. But I don't really believe that. I think that the unresolved issues from her traumatic childhood and her dissatisfaction with our marriage created a perfect storm that propelled her into a selfish mode that she doesn't even recognize.





Yes I'm assuming a lot. And yes I'm being judgemental.

YES and it does you and the m and your kids, NO GOOD. I hope to God you did not reveal your emotions and judgements to the kids in any way

The good news is that I'm choosing to vent about it here instead of starting arguments or deciding to ramp up some sort of custody litigation.


Um, maybe I'm not reading this right, but if you think ^^^^ this will affect custody -AND that you should "ramp it up", you are not being realistic. It won't ramp it up and it'll make you look petty.

Lose the scorecard - which I fear you may have had for some time. Scorecards are bad news. Worse when you learn that your spouse has one of their own, on their scorecards you won't be getting the points you think you deserve and you will have many "demerits" for the wrongs your w feels have occurred to her.


I know that this is our new reality and I'm trying my best to focus my energy on the parenting aspects that I have control over. But it's so hard to watch our family unit break down little by little and not be able to do anything to stop it.

You can compensate for whatever shortcomings you think your w's mothering has AND when she works out HER way of mothering the kids in the new situation, it's not in your sandbox, that is just hers. You need to stay in your own sandbox and fix/work on you.

How are You stepping up to the plate as a dad now? That is the focus. That's what you control. Unless you reasonably and sincerely believe the kids are endangered, you have to back off. It will NEVER HELP YOU to criticize her mothering. I am positive of that.

I'm really glad that I still made the effort to make the first day of school special for my daughter. That's what I'm trying to focus on moving forward.

Well done. Your w saw your involvement and if you handled it w/grace and not shown her your disapproval, she may be touched by how you rose to the occasion. If you showed your disapproval she will feel defensive and flee faster. Having a parental tone or outlook with our spouse is a huge turn off, btw.

Definitely vent away from the wife and make sure the venting releasees stress rather than spiraling downward & increasing it, which can happen.

Maybe a byproduct of this is learning how much there is to being at home as a parent. I know my h thought laundry and lunches and transportation and homework and PTA and classmates and invites and field trips and dealing with a house and yard and bills and homework, were all magically done by elves.

Just saying.