Hey SKM, thank for checking in on me. I am doing okay thanks just plodding along. How are you doing? Are things getting better with your H?
Journaling - On my H front not much going on there. After the texts he sent on my birthday and D's exam results day we haven't had any interaction with him. He has texted D a couple of times but she has not responded. She told me the other day that she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore which is really sad. H did text me tonight to say a bill that is addressed to us both was redirected to his address and as it was late he wanted to know if he could pay it for me. I just went back and said that it was very kind of him to offer but I have now sorted it and thanked him for letting me know. He just said cool, no worries. Not sure if I did the right thing but I just don't want him to think we can't look after ourselves. I shall remember to change the name on the bill so it is just addressed to me.
At the end of August H's friend who married an American and lives over there now came over for a visit. When they come over we are usually invited over for a big family get together. I realised this year that I would not be invited so I preempted it and asked them if myself and D could see them separately. I didnt think they would be interested so I was suprised when his friend's W contacted me and asked to catch up. She came over for dinner with her D and also H's other friend's wife and D came too so we had a lovely girlies evening. When she was leaving she gave me the loveliest hug. I was so touched that they took the time to see us especially as they were not here for very long.
Still feeling a little low at the moment though, but I know things are getting better. I don't feel so out of control anymore and I am making decisions based on my life going forward rather than having H in mind. To be honest with you, I don't blame D for saying she doesn't want anything to do with him. He brings nothing to us at the moment but hurt and sadness because when we see him it's like we have to accept what he wants. But we don't want him to think we are happy with his choices so we would rather we didn't see him.
Also interestingly, this week is the week he said he had time off and asked D to go away on holiday with him. He obviously hasn't gone anywhere seeing as he is texting me about post he has received! Shame he hasn't got all those friends to go away with him like he expected!!
I've got my makeup lesson on Saturday! If you remember I got that as a present from D for my birthday. We are going to make a day of it with shopping and a bite to eat. I'm really looking forward to it. D start college in Monday too. It's exciting but scary at the same time! She is growing up far too quickly!!
Happy Thursday everyone!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly, glad to see that this isn't tearing you up as much anymore. I know for me it is getting easier and easier. I'm glad your H is till being nice with the little bit of interaction you have.
Just finished writing on my thread about legal nonsense. It's been a tough day.
You sound a bit low but getting by so I'm sending you a Big Brother AP hug ((((Coly))))
Even though I've never been able to persuade you to get the full sparking mani-pedi maybe you can do a feature nail? You deserve some sparkle! I can pretty much guarantee that your D would think it a fab idea as well.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I hope everybody is doing well today/evening. I haven't felt like posting lately but I have been reading along.
So I haven't heard from H for a while. I did text him last Saturday morning to wish him well for the start of the hockey season and that started some texting back and forth about what we were both up to at the weekend. Since then nothing until this morning when I got a text from him asking if he could come over to the house to pick up some packages for a model millennium falcon that he has been trying to put together for nearly 2.5 years! A little background. H got a subscription to one of these magazines that you get a piece of a model with to build with each issue.
He had dozens of these blooming packages in the spare room and had hardly started building the stupid model so when he left I packed them all up and gave them to him. However they were still being delivered to our address even though he put a redirect on it so I just threw them in a drawer. So now 16 months after he left he wants the rest so he can start building it! Even though he still has a load of clothes, trainers, paperwork and tools left at the house he just wants the bits to build his stupid model. I was very unDB and told him that I suppose he has plenty of time on his hands now that myself and D aren't around! As you can imagine I got crickets!
I went to dinner with a friend tonight and I was so angry it took every bone in my body to stop myself from telling him to come and get the rest of his stuff. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I need a boundary to say that he can't just keep dipping in and out of the house to pick and choose things that he needs. The next time he wants something I will expect him to take the lot!
I'm just so amazed that this model is so important to him. Does he really have that much time on his hands! This thing has so many pieces and is so fiddly if will take him a very long time and I thought he was having the time of his life going out every night and weekend. How very sad!!
Happy nearly weekend everyone!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - I understand your frustration. I had boxes and boxes piled up in my front porch for nearly 9 months. During all of that time she contacted me once for a single recipe out of there. Heck - I still have a couple of the bigger items out there still that she has said that she still wants but doesn't come by to get.
In my case she finally came back to get her stuff after she and her guy had (apparently) firmed things up and pictures of them were blasted all over Facebook at a high-end resort. I have her recorded on the surveillance video whinging about how she didn't get "all" her books.
Is it a feeling of entitlement? A belief that we are sitting right where they left us? A lack of planning ability? Bats loose in the belfry? I honestly don't know and probably never will. When I was second-guessing and mind reading during the time that I was playing storage locker job and Jack_Three_Beans both advised me quite wisely to just know that it makes no sense and then they both related stories of weird stuff both taken from a home and of stuff left behind.
A favourite author has a character who is famous for running away (literally) In one book he mentions that the important part of running away is the away bit and that the to will sort itself out.
The only one you can control in this process is you. If you want his stuff gone - you'll need to set a deadline and advise him of what you will do with his abandoned property. You're not going to like this next bit though. If you do that - you'll want to consult a lawyer first.
(((Coly23)))
PS - How did the make-over go? I bet you looked both fabulous and perhaps slightly uncomfortable. But still fabulous!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So, why don't you say to him "yes, you can pick up your plane parts but you need to take all of your stuff with them". I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. Just tell him to.
And look at the him taking his time with the model as a good thing. It's a good healthy hobby. GAL is healthy and he is choosing it in a healthy fashion. I know it's hard to think of it that way. He could be GAL by drinking every night and dating a whole bunch of chicks, but he is building a model airplane. That's a good thing.
I think you need to dig deeper to find out why exactly that bugged you so much.
Maybe it was a good sign. He wants to finish something he started.Maybe he is picking up the pieces of his life, starting with his star wars model.
He probably put off contacting you for them.because he feared a bad reaction, which he got. This ocuring repeatedly will deter future contact.
I am sure it isn't easy. Though if you figure out what exactly you reacted to you could understand yourself better too.
If you want more and were disappointed you need to lower those expectations and hopes. If you want the rest of his stuff gone, let him know that. Only you can identify the true trigger, but I think it is important to try. Ask yourself why I feel/think this way. Then with each answer reask until you get to the core reason.
I get you are not happy with your situation. Understandable. However I also hear judgement in your words. Stop judging him. Especially about what he is doing now. It should no longer bother you. Him having the time of his life or a lot of spare time is at best speculation. Don't mindread or speculate. You create stories in your head that influence your thinking and these could be the opposite of his reality. Doing so will not benefit you.
Plus before realising that things weren't so bad before, often the WAS must experience that it isn't so great afterwards either. So it is actually good that he isn't living it up.
Depressed people would not have the interest nor the ability to do a model. Again a good sign.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I think you need to dig deeper to find out why exactly that bugged you so much.
Maybe it was a good sign. He wants to finish something he started.Maybe he is picking up the pieces of his life, starting with his star wars model.
He probably put off contacting you for them.because he feared a bad reaction, which he got. This ocuring repeatedly will deter future contact.
I am sure it isn't easy. Though if you figure out what exactly you reacted to you could understand yourself better too.
If you want more and were disappointed you need to lower those expectations and hopes. If you want the rest of his stuff gone, let him know that. Only you can identify the true trigger, but I think it is important to try. Ask yourself why I feel/think this way. Then with each answer reask until you get to the core reason.
I get you are not happy with your situation. Understandable. However I also hear judgement in your words. Stop judging him. Especially about what he is doing now. It should no longer bother you. Him having the time of his life or a lot of spare time is at best speculation. Don't mindread or speculate. You create stories in your head that influence your thinking and these could be the opposite of his reality. Doing so will not benefit you.
Plus before realising that things weren't so bad before, often the WAS must experience that it isn't so great afterwards either. So it is actually good that he isn't living it up.
Depressed people would not have the interest nor the ability to do a model. Again a good sign.
Best wishes
nice post Roist!
Coly it's been a while. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I think there is a lot there for you to digest in Roist's post. Hope you have a nice weekend!
