So here's a question how do I know if she is in the fog or not
I'm surprised you haven't run across talk about the fog. You would be a better judge then we would be once you feel like you know what the fog is. Maybe try to read some more about it? It's the flip-flopping, the running, making statements that don't make sense. It is a long process and doesn't change your course of action, so not an immediate concern.
Joseph: absolutely do not feel like something is off since you are normally content and happy! I know it might just be self-deprecating modesty, but come on! The key to happiness is being happy with what you have. Yes it can work against you as a lack of motivation in many areas of life, but it beats the alternative!
Well, she certainly hasn't flip flopped on anything recently. She seems to be absolutely sure she wants this. So I would think she was NOT in the fog.
I try not to read her mind, but she said she doesn't sleep well when the children aren't home, that she keeps busy on the days she doesn't have them (vs enjoying time to herself), and she doesn't want to celebrate the divorce with her friend. I don't know what to make of those statements.
But she is adamant on the divorce, and her timeline seems to accelerate from 1 year of separation at the beginning to 3 months to make a decision, to divorce in 2 weeks after moving out.
So I have no idea if she is in the fog or not. I hope she is. Obviously hoping doesn't mean Jack.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
You know, tomorrow will most likely be better. My best day in this process was followed by my worst. Roller coaster indeed!
Also, if you think your behavior on this trip to the range is going to make it back to the wife, you need to be happy, upbeat, and not ask about her at all.
good point. I don't think it would, but I won't bring her up at all.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
You try not to read her mind, but then try to read it anyway.
Can you see how contradictory that is? Do not read into ANYTHING. You can NOT 'FIX' this.
You keep trying to read things so you can understand things better.
You can NOT and will NOT understand her and even if you did you would realize that she is not happy and wants to experience life without you at the moment. So which ever way you jump its NOT worth spending any time there.
This Divorce might be the best thing for your W, and if it is she will feel guilty.
Because she feels guilty, she will act differently because on one hand she is doing what she wants (divorce) but on the other she is hurting you.
So any hug from her, or a moderately nice comment, will probably just be something to keep the interactions between you both as 'nice/easy' from her point of view.
But you being so desperate to sort this out will read into it and say "she hugged me" it must be positive. In reality this isn't the case. Its just makes life easier for her to keep you 'onside' rather than be nasty and be shouting and arguing all the time.
Its that mindset that you need to be into.
Its a horrible feeling to know that the person you love you want is gone. 90% of this board probably dont recon. But each one of us has been through months of tears and hurt realising that it probably IS the end. There will be very hard times ahead i.e. xmas, and there is nothing you can do to change it.
The challenge is getting you to a place where you are OK with that.
In my situation, we regularly went 5/6 days without speaking. She left in March.. we are in September now, and even though it is much more positive situation that most on here, there is STILL no indication she is coming home or its even near to being sorted. Thats coming up to 6 months. And that I am told is very fast in comparison to most situations.
You know when you have dropped the rope and are improving when you dont look at your phone and think "she hasnt text me in a while" even if its days/weeks since she contacted you.
Obviously with kids that might be slightly different with you but the concept is still the same.
I differ in one opinion. The theory of the WAS's guilt...
NO they do not always feel guilt and IF they do, they often end turning it outward towards the source of their guilt.
They have justified their course of action and "guilt" has been factored OUT.
They already did the math and YOU are the problem, not them. (In their eyes).
They are not happy or fulfilled or "were always miserable/for years/unhappy" and that means something must change in their lives OTHER than them.
And it doesn't look good to give your kids away, so they give their spouse away. Not feeling that much guilt (often they feel relief)
and when that guilty feeling creeps up, usually (not always) it morphs into anger.
Which is why trying to guilt them, can really end up backfiring. And it can look manipulative, (which it often is if we are honest). Being a h only a fool would leave - is the best over all approach,
but prepare for your w to be a fool. And for you to be okay, anyhow.
Imagine for one minute that your W had suddenly passed away.
Imagine that you grieved awhile, and so did the kids. Imagine that you were fairly healed and that X amount of time had passed...
that you were okay. In fact, you were happy, even without her around.
So what would that look like?
What would life be like without your wife AND with you, happy??
Flesh this ^^ image out a bit. Take 2 minutes and ponder that. What would your life be like? Would your job change? Or go back to school? Studying what? Studying music or another language or dance?
Any new hobbies? What about travel? Would you move? And sports and volunteering and hiking and anything else?
What things have you put off, or not done, for whatever reasons?
SO,
which of those^^^ can you do, now? That's where GAL can begin...
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Imagine for one minute that your W had suddenly passed away.
Imagine that you grieved awhile, and so did the kids. Imagine that you were fairly healed and that X amount of time had passed...
that you were okay. In fact, you were happy, even without her around.
So what would that look like?
What would life be like without your wife AND with you, happy??
Flesh this ^^ image out a bit. Take 2 minutes and ponder that. What would your life be like? Would your job change? Or go back to school? Studying what? Studying music or another language or dance?
Any new hobbies? What about travel? Would you move? And sports and volunteering and hiking and anything else?
What things have you put off, or not done, for whatever reasons?
I have really been trying to not think about her in any capacity. Usually, it is when she sends something. Like this morning she emailed that she had copies of my transcripts. Now, I have not initiated any contact, and wish I could go a few days without her contacting me either. I do not respond unless it is actionable.
One of my friends thinks she does it to keep my attention, but I don't necessarily subscribe to that, but what do you all think?
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Stay in the present if you look too far in advance your sitch will seem impossible. Live in the present, take it a day at a time. You got through today now get through tomorrow.
I did not intentionally think about it till I saw xmas stuff at walmart.
It already seems impossible. The deck is stacked against me so much.
Plan a great Christmas for you and the kiddos. Sans cheater of course.
Jm....I did all of this when my sitch first started, I hung my hopes and dreams on every little interaction. You have to stop, you will drive yourself crazy trying to analyze and interrupt everything she says or does.
Early on my W would send me text pictures of the girls during the day and at night when they were with her. I remember thinking what does it mean? Why is she doing this? Is it a sign that she wants to get back together? She must be thinking about me........WOOHOO!!!
Just so you know she has never brought up reconciliation or any hint of wanting to work on our marriage. Maybe she was just trying to be a good co-parent and let me know that she was going things with the girls and they were having fun.
You have to stop or you will drive yourself crazy.
One of my friends thinks she does it to keep my attention, but I don't necessarily subscribe to that, but what do you all think?
Im sure you must be doing this on purpose now!
Stop mind reading! Stop thinking what does this mean etc!
Just please stop
Benni, I am not trying to read her mind. I don't care if she does it to get my attention, or for whatever reason she does it. Her reasons are HER concern, not mine. I have been trying to move through the day, one step at a time. I don't sit there and think "Why did she send that". For me, it has been more of a flowchart. Get email/text. Is it about the kids? Is it actionable? Does it require a response?
But I guess I can see your point in me telling my friend "Nah, I don't think she is doing it for attention" can come of as mind reading. Actually, I guess it is. So instead, I will just say "I don't care why she did it"
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
The key to happiness is being happy with what you have. Yes it can work against you as a lack of motivation in many areas of life, but it beats the alternative!