Lost on how to save my marriage!

[sandi2]

So after I got back home after Church, we went on a drive to Home Depot together and got down to the meat. She hits me with "she's confuse and this is hard". She owe it to herself to see if the OM is meant to be. But its hard because I'm a provider and he's a risk. WTF.

She also said she don't want to move out until she gets on her feet. (No time frame for that). She keeps saying she dont know. Shes confuse. She confusing everyone else with her confusion.

What would be your typical response, whenever she would make statements along these lines? (Not so much about OM....but extremely selfish). In the past, were you just expected to fall in line? And, forget what you want or how her preferences could affect the family?

I'm going to share something with you about WW's, and you need to use this as a measuring unit whenever you are confused by something she says/does. The WW sees all the planets revolving around her.......or at least, they should. Everything....and I do mean EVERYTHING is about her. Her brain is warped! She does not think rationally. Her H is no more than a tool to provide whatever she may need at the moment. She uses him.......and she uses anyone else available. In every situation she approaches, she looks to see how she will benefit from it. Selfishness is her motivator. The sooner you get these cold, hard facts down.......the sooner you will stop having WTF moments. At least, perhaps they won't completely blindside you.

Here's the current problem. She is in charge. You handed the reigns over to her, and now you are waiting for direction from her. Which way will she pull on the reigns? That's what TxHubby experienced, until he got fed up and decided he was not a horse, and he took the reigns away from her. Now his message is, "I'm going this way......you can go with me.....I don't care.......but I am still going this way". See, he is not trying to boss her around. She is free to make her own choices. He's letting her know his choice, and he no longer quietly falls into the path behind her, letting her yank on the reigns. He has taken back the reigns and is in charge of his life.

I bet you were stunned at the audacity of your W. You will see more of it. It's called entitlement. If you or your in-laws catered to your W, then she is going to behave like a spoiled brat. If she has carried your b@lls around in her purse for some time.......then you are going to be challenged, b/c once women get b@lls.......they don't want to surrender them. So, you want to know where to begin? My suggestion is to start with getting your b@lls back.

Here's another problem I have seen in newcomer H's. They want to know how they can do this, that, and another.........and still show the W he cares. He wants to show how much he loves her. He doesn't want her thinking he wants a D. Well, hold on, b/c this may feel like ice water being thrown on you. Your current objective is not to show how loving you can be. It's not to prove what an excellent H and father you want to be. It's not the time to convince her you don't want a D. Okay.........you still with me? This is the time to find your b@lls and start using them. You are a man who has 4 sons. Your first responsibility is to protect and provide for them......I think everyone will agree. The next one is teaching these little guys how to be a man. Not a hen pecked, yes dear, scared to upset W wimp. (And don't get me wrong......I am not saying you are any of these. This is for whomever may read this post). And btw, don't misunderstand and think you are suppose fight it out with their mom in front of your children. You want your sons to be respectful toward women......and just as equally important, not to cow down to a woman. Make sense? It's okay to feel afraid........just don't show the WW that you fear her.

Dam, I was a soul less person towards women before I met my wife she help bring it back. Now I have to balance being heartless while still caring. She has never seen me in that capacity, but I what has to happen. I'm starting slow.

What do you mean by "soulless toward women"?

I believe I know what you mean in the rest of the above quote. I don't really see it as a balancing act between heartless and caring. Although, I often tell posters to find balance when applying a new DB technique, etc......b/c some tend to become a little unbalanced in their thinking and/or approach.

If you know your standard of values, spiritual beliefs, moral codes and integrity by which you live your life......and are raising your sons within that same realm..........then does that not basically give you direction? Having a solid foundation in our life is critical, b/c we will face trying times.......and we had better know where we stand and why. What will we tolerate? What will we NOT tolerate......and what will we do if it is pushed/forced upon us? That is what every individual has to decide.

Currently, your W is wayward. She wants to do things that go against the vows that were made when you were united in marriage. She will twist words around, but she is basically wanting to engage in adultery.......while keeping all her benefits from the M with you. But listen, she is not in love with this OM. If he dropped her today, she'd quickly find OM#2, b/c the other guy isn't the real problem. Her wayward mindset is the real issue, and as a long as she maintains the WW mentality, she will bounce from man to man, or act like Girls Gone Wild. She find whatever it takes to justify her actions. She operates out of her area of emotions. Therefore, her H had better be a man who operates from what he knows to be right and true. How does he decide what is the right thing to do? He refers to his integrity, his standards, values, etc. His emotions should not be the dictator his actions. Someone has to keep a sane mind.......and it's not the WW.

Is this situation completely hopeless? No, not if you won't waste time in deciding what you will do. I don't mean you should jump into something you don't understand, but take a self evaluation to determine the true relationship dynamics in the MR over the past years. Who was in charge? Whose word was final? Who would apologize first? Who catered more to the feelings of the other spouse, who did the most chores, who did the most in tending to the daily needs of the kids (making school lunches, cooking, ironing, homework, baths, activities, etc)? Which spouse would be considered domineering?

Decide how you can protect yourself. Think about what type of behavior inflicted on you will not be tolerated, and what to do if it's pushed on you. If you are not familiar with boundaries, be sure to read the link. And, you may want to research about waywardness, nice guy stuff, examples of setting personal boundaries, signs of disrespect displayed by the W, etc. Check to see where you stand legally. Don't tell your W about anything discusses on the board.

Oh btw, you don't have to write out answers for all these questions. It's just to give you an idea of how to get started with a plan.

The two of you have a M license that says you are legally bound together. However, she does not have a license to treat you like sh't.