I had to search for my thread, and it was buried on page 11, so I guess it's time for an update. Nothing too exciting to report: summer vacation is over, kids back in school, and I have been working on some of my own GAL/180s. Partly that includes less time on the computer and more time reading books, home projects, exercising, and now eating more healthy. Spending time with friends has always been a strong suit. Making time for H? Guilty. I still need to work on that.
We have passed the half way point of the Retrouvaille program: there is a weekend program and then 12 post-sessions. We are doing a somewhat extended program, therefore 1 post-session at a time, whereas usually they are offered in 2s. I have to say, even though I am not Catholic, I very much appreciate the teachings and philosophy of the program.
Retro- strongly emphasizes that we as individuals are only responsible for ourselves, our choices, our actions, and that despite what our partner does, we can continue to do our own personal best. It is also helping me to accept that there is no natural fate of a relationship (no "happily ever after" and no "this M will never work"), but that if two people come together and make the choice and effort, the M can be recreated and yes, it can be better. It takes 2 IMO, and fortunately I have the S that is willing. For many, we can only do our own best, in hopes our S joins us.
So where am I in all of this? I don't always know TBH. I love my H and I love my family together. I still feel that I have some sort of wall up. Will that wall come down over time? That is the question that time will only tell. I still think that for me, I need to continue my DB efforts, in the sense that my focus should be on GAL/180 for me. I have been saying that for some time now, but I think emotionally I am finally at a place where I am developing very good habits for myself. When it comes to our daily Retro- HW, I am only motivated to do it some of the time.
Last fall, my dear mother lost her husband suddenly and is now in perpetual grief. She lost my step-father the same way many years ago. It is devastating and heart-breaking. I see her feeling so stuck in her life and I sincerely hope she can work through this and be okay on her own. I think it is too soon to tell. The thing is, she has never really been okay on her own and without a man; so this is also a pattern. I don't want to repeat her patterns.
I realize that many of my codependent traits come from my childhood and how I was raised. I think my H having his A and leaving broke me of that. He pulled the rug out from under our life and forced me to look at myself deeply. So perhaps this was the biggest silver lining? I know now that I would be okay with or without this M. I had to do a lot of faking when it came to DB/GAL/180/etc, however now it feels genuine. I feel healthier and stronger. I love my alone time. I am not afraid of anything anymore. It pains me to write this, but I would not have come to this if our sitch had not have happened.
If there is something I am still working towards, it is the forgiveness piece and letting my walls down. There is nothing he can do better or more of: he is open to me, making changes, and trying his best. I am hoping that as I can master my GAL/180s that these walls will come down more naturally. There is still this part of me that does wonder if I will ever feel (not the same) but as strongly about him as I did before.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
