Good! If you can learn not to bring it up then she may just postpone it indefinitely. But every time you bring it up guess what, she will be full steam ahead. Don't think she's changed her mind simply because she's not talking about it, she hasn't.
So...couple of mixed signals from the crowd here. If I suspect an EA, or some kind of emotional tie-up with someone else, is talking about it the same as taking about the M? I know "detach" is the rule here, but at some point, the potential elephant in the room realistically has to be pointed out. Or am I totally missing it?
Aside from that, I'll pull back on pressure. I understand that causes issues.
W told me this morning (spontaneously, I didn't ask )that she really appreciated my calling and making her laugh after her fender-bender yesterday. Said she felt very loved and gave me a hug. So many confused messages...
So...couple of mixed signals from the crowd here. If I suspect an EA, or some kind of emotional tie-up with someone else, is talking about it the same as taking about the M? I know "detach" is the rule here, but at some point, the potential elephant in the room realistically has to be pointed out. Or am I totally missing it?
How can you tell a difference between an EA and a friend or coworker? I'm not sure what kind of boundary you can set on that other than to tell her she can't have any male friends, and I don't think that will go over too well. It'll just look to her like more control and manipulation.
[quote]Is the plan to stall? At some point it has to come up. Right?
The plan is to quit intervening to try and alter the outcome. I'm not saying to be a doormat or to accept an affair if/ when one does happen, but I am saying that you need to work on you and wait and cross that bridge when you get to it. I'm sure she already knows that an affair is crossing a line, I doubt she needs to be reminded of it.
Quote:
W told me this morning (spontaneously, I didn't ask )that she really appreciated my calling and making her laugh after her fender-bender yesterday. Said she felt very loved and gave me a hug. So many confused messages...
Well that's good, but again, do not think it means she's changed her mind. It's very common for a WAS to do this kind of stuff after BD because they feel a great weight has been lifted, they've put the LBS on notice that they are checking out and they often feel almost giddy because of it.
Rats, I screwed up the tags on that last post, it should look like this:
Originally Posted By: JDub
So...couple of mixed signals from the crowd here. If I suspect an EA, or some kind of emotional tie-up with someone else, is talking about it the same as taking about the M? I know "detach" is the rule here, but at some point, the potential elephant in the room realistically has to be pointed out. Or am I totally missing it?
How can you tell a difference between an EA and a friend or coworker? I'm not sure what kind of boundary you can set on that other than to tell her she can't have any male friends, and I don't think that will go over too well. It'll just look to her like more control and manipulation.
Quote:
Is the plan to stall? At some point it has to come up. Right?
The plan is to quit intervening to try and alter the outcome. I'm not saying to be a doormat or to accept an affair if/ when one does happen, but I am saying that you need to work on you and wait and cross that bridge when you get to it. I'm sure she already knows that an affair is crossing a line, I doubt she needs to be reminded of it.
Quote:
W told me this morning (spontaneously, I didn't ask )that she really appreciated my calling and making her laugh after her fender-bender yesterday. Said she felt very loved and gave me a hug. So many confused messages...
Well that's good, but again, do not think it means she's changed her mind. It's very common for a WAS to do this kind of stuff after BD because they feel a great weight has been lifted, they've put the LBS on notice that they are checking out and they often feel almost giddy because of it. [/quote]
W told me this morning (spontaneously, I didn't ask smile )that she really appreciated my calling and making her laugh after her fender-bender yesterday. Said she felt very loved and gave me a hug. So many confused messages...
After my W told me she wanted a D we went on date with other couples and she flirted with me the entire time. The following week we went to a pool party and she gave me a long heart felt kiss then 3 days later told me she wanted to get an apartment.
I agree with AS, don't read anything into it. They are messed up and you have to take it in stride.
Of course she is, because you won't stop with the pressure! No more asking her out on dates. You've got to pull back!
She likes going out on dates, dinner, movies, etc. And we have fun together. If I stop asking and make myself scarce, maybe she'll miss it...or maybe she'll go out with (also unhappily married) friends instead. Doesn't that have the potential for a worse outcome?
She's leaving town for like a week next week to help her dad move into a retirement community. She often comes back from those trips emotionally spent while she stews on how terrible I am. I'm really dreading this.
I would say just sit back and let her initiate if she wants to do anything. Focus on yourself and being the best Jdub you can be. Wondering what she is thinking or doing is not going to help and it will drive you mad. You will never figure her out, her motives, intentions, etc. She probably doesn't even know.
I'm sure she already knows that an affair is crossing a line, I doubt she needs to be reminded of it.
AS - really good feedback here. I'm sure she knows this too on the physical side, which is why I'm driving her up the wall with my insecurity about it. It's the hiding and secrecy that's making me bananas, because I don't know if there's any emotional attachment or not.
[Quote} Wondering what she is thinking or doing is not going to help and it will drive you mad. [/Quote] Man I wish I could lighten my mental load here. She likes to retreat into fantasy land to avoid stress, and has perfected the art of mental disappearing. Not sex fantasy, more the when the cowardly lion sang "if I were king of the forest." So it's hard to get into her head on a good day, much less when she's agitated!
Accept your faults in the marriage but don't take 100% of the ownership. I read a post on here from a vet that basically said the only difference between you and your W was that she pulled the trigger first that rarely in these situations are both spouses happy in the relationship.
With that said you will never figure her out and over time you will stop wondering what is going on in her head. As a point of reference I am almost 3 months into my SEP and I only started to feel much better over the course of the last two weeks. I had sleepless nights, always wondered what she was doing when she did not have the kids, is out on a date, who is boinking her, etc.
Get out GAL, don't be so hard on yourself and start working on detaching. Detaching is the hardest part IMO, I am better than what I was three months ago but I am not fully detached either. It is a process but the quicker you get your confidence back the easier the process will be.
)that she really appreciated my calling and making her laugh after her fender-bender yesterday. Said she felt very loved and gave me a hug. So many confused messages...