My situation is this: M for almost 17 years, 2 kids (S15, D12). My parents had a blowout D when I was 14-16, both parents totally checked out. Was awful and I have always had the position that I don't want to pass on that legacy/pain to my kids, no matter what.
Same here. I always told my W that too. It was a rude awakening to discover it only takes one to break up a M though.
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W is very left-brained; grew up with two parents who couldn't handle emotions, so she is very passive-aggressive and lets resentments build and build. Past year got off antidepressants which she was on for 10+ years).
I'm curious why she got off of them? After being on them that long she probably should have stayed on them. My W has been on A/D's for 10+ years as well. She tried going off of them once and it was a disaster. By the way have you read any of the recent studies that long term A/D use can cause people to lose their "love" feelings, especially for their spouse and even kids? I suspect it's why a lot of us end up here.
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She told me in late 2015, after her mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, that she wanted a D. I told her that we need to try to work on things. We've been to MC but every time there's a disagreement, she brings up D as her default position. Mom died about a year ago, and W goes in waves of being very kind and outright hostile to me. Blames me for everything, looks for reasons to justify her angry positions.
Yes she does. This is why you have to give a WAS time and space. They've got to figure out their spouse is NOT the source of all their problems like they think, but they can only figure that out on their own, and it takes quite some time.
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Sex is in the crapper. Hasn't been good in a while, but it's pretty much non-existent now. When I bring it up she gets furious and tells me how much she hates me and wants a D, marriage is over.
Yes that's the way she feels right now and you need to start respecting that rather than applying so much pressure to her. Every time you talk about working on the M, every time you bring up counseling, every time you ask for sex, you are applying pressure. Pressure is the LAST thing a WAS wants from the LBS. It just pushes them farther and farther away as you've noticed.
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Asked her for a lunch date on Wednesday, she spent 2 hours telling me it's over, she is so angry
Of course she is, because you won't stop with the pressure! No more asking her out on dates. You've got to pull back!
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I told her that I'm not on-board, this is not something I support.
Absolutely the wrong thing to say. Read the sticky thread on validation. You have got to quit with all the pressure! She says she hates you and can't stand being married, you VALIDATE. Validating is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ etc. it is simply acknowledging her feelings, which so far you have not done at all. She says she hates you, you respond "I can tell you hate me, I'm sorry I've done things to make you feel that way." If you can master validation it takes a lot of the pressure and anger and resentment out of the R.
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This weekend, she has been as pleasant as can be. We went kayaking twice together, out to breakfast afterwards, lots of family activities, went to a party last night with a ton of our friends, etc. Hasn't brought up D at all.
Good! If you can learn not to bring it up then she may just postpone it indefinitely. But every time you bring it up guess what, she will be full steam ahead. Don't think she's changed her mind simply because she's not talking about it, she hasn't. And she won't for quite some time.
Originally Posted By: JDub
W already thinks I'm too controlling and sees efforts to improve myself as manipulation (it isn't of course).
Oh but it IS. What is your motivation right now? To get her back! You ARE trying to control the situation and manipulate her. It's why you keep asking for sex, keep talking about the R, keep asking her on dates. Because reconciling is what YOU want. All this pressure you are applying is telling her that you don't care what she wants, what YOU want is all that matters to you. She will see everything you do as tricks to get her back, which at this point they are. So you've got to let go, step back, give her time and space, put what YOU want on hold, LISTEN and VALIDATE. Focus on you and the kids, remove her from the equation. Become the best -you- that you can be. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. And do that consistently over a long period of time so that she comes to believe the changes are real.
