25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[Accuray]

some of what I'm really asking is an almost universal DB question.

Did our WAS change and why? OR were they always this way and we did not see it, or they hid it well enough?

Why did WE not see it sooner, or address it, and thus, what can we do to avoid this event happening in our next r?

Sorry for what you're going through 25. I think the answer to your question is "yes"

Our WAS do change, part of it is just normal life evolution. Part of it is the constant cycle of missed communications, minor annoyances, building resentments, etc. that just erode attachment over time and make people less tolerant.

On the other hand, its also true that they were always this way and we either didn't see it, or convinced ourselves that it wasn't as bad as it was, or it was temporary, or otherwise made excuses for it, or worse yet it was always that way and we needed it to be.

One of the best models of relationships I read said that everyone, as children, is "abused" in one way or another, meaning that you just don't have all your emotional needs met, in some ways worse than others.

This particular type of neglect or abuse is something that we learn to cope with, often convince ourselves that its what we deserve, and we become comfortable in that place of coping.

Therefore, we tend to seek partners who put us into our comfortable place, because that's what we know we can cope with and survive.

If you grow up believing you're not good enough, and you start dating someone who dotes on you and tells you that you are good enough every day, you're often just not attracted to that person, or are bored by the relationship.

If, on the other hand, you meet someone who treats you like you're not quite good enough, that's a challenge to you to prove that you are, and it's the comfortable place you're used to living in. Therefore that's where you gravitate.

In terms of your next relationship, certain patterns WILL repeat, because you're the constant, but everything is on a spectrum. Someone could be a 10 on the narcissism scale, or they could be a 3. The side effects of the 3 are going to be far less than the 10, and far more livable. That's the difference, is that the next time around you won't tolerate the extremes.

Secondly, and I think this is important, you ask why we did not address it.

"Addressing it" in a relationship can mean blowing things up to the point of giving and ultimatum and being willing to walk away. Hopefully there's a compromise there, but sometimes there isn't. In first marriages, people are often too scared to make those ultimatums because they fear the unknown of being divorced.

The second time around, you've already been divorced and you know you can survive it, so you're less likely to tolerate things that are not acceptable. You're more likely to make the ultimatum and be willing to walk. That is, in my view, why second marriages are less successful. Not because people who get married the second time around are more flawed, but instead because they are less scared of leaving a relationship that doesn't work for them. Is that a bad thing? I'm not convinced that it is.

Acc