25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

hi Sotto,

again, I agree that a lump sum would solve this. I pray it's still there as I'm not old enough to touch it ( h is)

Yes it would "be wrong" of h to grab it and the accounts themselves are not supposed to, but I've seen how ineffective the assumption he will do no wrong, has worked.

I have been one to tell others "well the 401k requires both signatures" and "Take the non paying spouse back to court for contempt"

about 100 times. I used to think the women (usually) were weaklings to let their h's skip out of CS or alimony. I'd say "go back to court. HE CAN'T DO THAT."

And now I see what all the hoopla (great word) is about.

THEY DO IT ANYWAY...so then I have to gin up the funds for another round of court. The adage "possession is 9/10ths of the law" is practically speaking, often true.

I have to borrow from siblings who are appalled that h's antics would work, and thank GOD I'm from a large family.

At this point my kids are so upset and furious at h (not all about me, but I'm sure much of what they feel is based on his mistreating me) THEY would be disappointed if I did not fight h. I mean that. They have said this clearly. Like kind of pushy tbh.

SIDENOTE -


i loved my dad.
But for most of my life the negative feelings I had for my dad, which polluted much of our interacting, was based on how he treated my mom.

This^^^ is not a new thing.

ANYHOW


H has told me & our kids his dad did wrong by h's mom. Which was true. My MIL worked 2 jobs almost the whole time I knew her. And she smoked and retired and 4 years later got lung cancer and died a miserable death. FIL married 4 times and invested well with his master's degree (MIL helped him get). Bought chunks of beautiful land and has 2 stunning homes in Mexico and the pacific NW.

His 4th wife is a widow with money and a lovely heart. Their m has lasted 25 years and she is the reason why.

They have not reached out to me, and I don't think they've reached out to the kids either. This is hurtful. But then, they are not the reaching out types.

BTW, NOTE to LBS's with inlaws...

when my mom died, an ex BIL attended her funeral, and 3 former SILs' (In fact, only one former inlaw was not there & I truly think he would have been, if he'd known she had passed and also, they did not have kids together> maybe that would have factored in as well).

My siblings and I really deeply appreciated their coming, and we saw it as a great sign of affection and respect for my mom.

When my FIL dies, I expect to do the same. Some of my friends think that is so weird, but it's not weird to me. FIL is the last bio grandparent of my kids, and he was in my life longer than my own dad.

ANY THOUGHTS on that? Does it look opportunistic? H would know that it's a "custom" in my family to have all "former family members" there.

BACK TO H,

H is known in our nuclear family, to be bitter about the way his dad treated his mom. And my h NEVER said a word to his dad. They are not a family to work things out, or speak their feelings OR resolve things. I already slapped my forehead about this and when I date again, I would want to know how the man's family worked conflicts out. OR if he follows their lead.

H's family has a overtly unhealthy habit of holding onto their resentments and letting them fester sometimes, beyond recognition. His grandmother, great aunt, both his parents...and him.

That cycle stops with my kids. And it really has. Man, they're almost pushy about "NO SECRETS"...but I'd so rather have that.

I'd bet a lot of money that my FIL has no idea my h feels that way about him. In fact, FIL once discussed his r's with his 2 sons, as "the closest a father can be to his sons."

(WTF? That is Such an over the top comment)

And the kicker is that it is so NOT true, (but FIL is now a multimillionaire and who wants to argue with THAT??)

BACK TO EARTH, my point is that when WAS leave or mistreat the LBS, why are they amazed that their kids see them in a new unflattering light? Do they not care about it,


OR do they avoid looking at it forever, AND OR do they figure out that "LATER" they will fix things.

Or maybe h is banking on his inheritance to ease back into r's with our kids. ( Like his dad did with him. How touching.)

I don't begrudge my kids getting money, FOR SURE

but they are not like h and his brother. They speak up. (Hence the N/C from h, I guess)

If your h smacks you around BUT HE'S NICE TO THE KIDS, the kids won't feel safe around him, it's obvious to us.


Sotto, how long did your untangling of the poop, last? I'm at 11 months from seeing h off and filing for D as of 10/18 I think (thereabouts). I don't care about the forks and spoons, but I am mad at myself for not taking more. I SO underestimated what would matter to h. SMH at myself. I recall telling the kids I did not want to be accused of "taking it all" so I deliberately got about 1/4 of our personal property.

Hard to remember what you don't see in front of you but I do notice a few things per month that I wish I still had. Which is totally tolerable.

When I can feel financially safe, I'll jettison out of this funk. Sounds material and it is. I want security and freaking deserve it.

Plus, I'm told repeatedly that h wants to finalize things as do I.

SIDENOTE _my lawyer tells me what h's lawyer tells her, that h told him. Like how "H hates her guts". Aside from being incredibly offensive and hurtful, what's the point of sharing that with my L and what is HER point in telling me??

It's way too much info
Am I the only lawyer who keeps her client's remarks to herself?

I suppose it could be some form of aggressive strategy to intimidate.

But it just hurts my feelings, AND OR angers me AND OR motivates me more towards litigation.
WTF?


Once it is over, H can openly work (and stop pretending he's "retired") and gobble up the kibbles from OW and his salary and partnership, and fishing and hunting and enjoying the "Brisk, NOT cold!" winters on the tundra.

And I can zoom forward. I really believe 90% of my present funk, (which is not really 24/7), is about money fears. So I want/need to solve those.

Okay, rambling. Thanks for the feedback.